Ch-ch-ch-Charity!

I'm part of this really amazing team on Etsy called April's Army. Members of the team came together because of our mutual love of the website, Regretsy. Regretsy started out mostly as a site that posted links to really f'ed up things for sale on Etsy. As the tagline reads, 'Where DIY meets WTF'. However, it's a lot more than snarky fun. The site is run by April Winchell, a previous writer for the Rosanne show and all around awesome person. She uses the website mostly for good, and only rarely for evil. ;-) She points out resellers, which abound on Etsy now-a-days, helps to get rid of counterfeiters and people steal other's designs, and best of all, generates a ton of money for charities.

Inspired by April's example of charity, our team has opened a shop on Etsy which is used exclusively to raise funds for people in need. Each month, we will run a sale with proceeds going to a specific charity. This month's sales will benefit For Jason, which is a shop whose proceeds are used 100% to help the owner's fiancee in his battle against pancreatic cancer. The sale will start Monday, April 25 and go through Sunday, May1. This month, I helped create a Barbie outfit for an April Winchell doll being made by Loki's Books N More (pictures soon!). I also collaborated on a fantastic doll with BendedBabies. Amy, the mastermind behind the mummy dolls of BendedBabies, and I have a lot in common. I enjoyed working together with her on our piece so much and am really in awe of how she turned out.

I fail

Last night, Fiona was doing something typical Fiona, that is being destructive for no apparent reason. She was pushing her feet against a table with glass sides and broke a pane of glass. I heard the crack, and when I came over to investigate found her reaching through the broken pane to try to grab the glass pieces. I freaked, yelled 'are you crazy?!' and sent her to her room because I honestly didn't trust myself to talk to her at that moment. I had no words, no idea how to deal with the situation. I called Paul, and he calmed me down, assured me that the glass was crap and he's broken them himself (this was a thrift store find). I told him I didn't know what to do with Fiona anymore, I am a complete failure at parenting her, I have no ideas left on how to be HER mom. I thought she was in her room, I thought she couldn't hear. But she could, and did. He went to talk to her about how dangerous broken glass is because, in fairness, how the hell was she supposed to know that? I heard her sobbing, hysterical because 'mama is mad at me! she said she doesn't know what to do with me!' FUCK.

Somehow, he calmed her down, we talked, I reassured her for the trillionth time that I do love her, and we all moved on. Except I can't help but feel I broke another piece of her.

I suck at this parenting thing. I don't know how to be the mom she needs. I do everything wrong, and have since she was little. I can't help but feel that her mental health issues are all my fault. I broke her, I couldn't handle how intense she was, how intense she is, so I'm always telling her to stop. Stop crying, stop singing, stop yelling, stop running, stop talking. Be quiet, go away, leave me alone. Why am I such a bitch? Why can't I just let her be? Why do I always feel I need to fix her?

I want her to love herself and who she is. She is so amazing in so many ways. She defies the status quo, she does what she wants. She is so thoughtful, too thoughtful really, her imagination and her mind take her to scary, dark places more often than not. She is full of life and energy and brings joy to so many people.

I am so scared for her and her future. More than anything, I'm scared she'll turn out to be like me.