Chrissi's World

An Apology

2011-06-02T21:55:00.002-04:00

Today, I read something on a blog that really upset me. Who am I kidding, it made me furious. I responded with the same hateful and ignorant attitude as the blogger herself. I shared my rage: with people who didn't get it, with people who did, with my kids, with my cats, with my husband. I brought it out of the internet and into my home, head and heart. I let it ruin my evening and cast a pall on the family. I apologize for that. I apologize to my family, for taking my anger with a stranger out on them. I apologize to my home, for bring such negativity into it. And I apologize to myself: for the time and energy wasted, for sinking to that judgmental level that I dislike so much in other people, for exposing myself to something that I knew would upset me in the first place.

The internet is a strange land. For some people, the more they are exposed to, the more narrow minded their view becomes. I fell into that today. I still think the blogger was distasteful and wrong, but I didn't need to become that way myself. There will always be choices, attitudes and belief that I disagree with, that, in some cases, I abhor. My job is to keep myself and my family away from those people. I can't change them, they can't change me (as much as they'd like to). Holding on to anger about it won't hurt them any more than it will help me. So I'm letting it go, and praying that someday, the other people accept that they can't and shouldn't control my choices any more than I can control theirs.

Ch-ch-ch-Charity!

2011-04-17T21:15:00.004-04:00

I'm part of this really amazing team on Etsy called April's Army. Members of the team came together because of our mutual love of the website, Regretsy. Regretsy started out mostly as a site that posted links to really f'ed up things for sale on Etsy. As the tagline reads, 'Where DIY meets WTF'. However, it's a lot more than snarky fun. The site is run by April Winchell, a previous writer for the Rosanne show and all around awesome person. She uses the website mostly for good, and only rarely for evil. ;-) She points out resellers, which abound on Etsy now-a-days, helps to get rid of counterfeiters and people steal other's designs, and best of all, generates a ton of money for charities.

Inspired by April's example of charity, our team has opened a shop on Etsy which is used exclusively to raise funds for people in need. Each month, we will run a sale with proceeds going to a specific charity. This month's sales will benefit For Jason, which is a shop whose proceeds are used 100% to help the owner's fiancee in his battle against pancreatic cancer. The sale will start Monday, April 25 and go through Sunday, May1. This month, I helped create a Barbie outfit for an April Winchell doll being made by Loki's Books N More (pictures soon!). I also collaborated on a fantastic doll with BendedBabies. Amy, the mastermind behind the mummy dolls of BendedBabies, and I have a lot in common. I enjoyed working together with her on our piece so much and am really in awe of how she turned out.

I fail

2011-04-07T14:04:00.004-04:00

Last night, Fiona was doing something typical Fiona, that is being destructive for no apparent reason. She was pushing her feet against a table with glass sides and broke a pane of glass. I heard the crack, and when I came over to investigate found her reaching through the broken pane to try to grab the glass pieces. I freaked, yelled 'are you crazy?!' and sent her to her room because I honestly didn't trust myself to talk to her at that moment. I had no words, no idea how to deal with the situation. I called Paul, and he calmed me down, assured me that the glass was crap and he's broken them himself (this was a thrift store find). I told him I didn't know what to do with Fiona anymore, I am a complete failure at parenting her, I have no ideas left on how to be HER mom. I thought she was in her room, I thought she couldn't hear. But she could, and did. He went to talk to her about how dangerous broken glass is because, in fairness, how the hell was she supposed to know that? I heard her sobbing, hysterical because 'mama is mad at me! she said she doesn't know what to do with me!' FUCK.

Somehow, he calmed her down, we talked, I reassured her for the trillionth time that I do love her, and we all moved on. Except I can't help but feel I broke another piece of her.

I suck at this parenting thing. I don't know how to be the mom she needs. I do everything wrong, and have since she was little. I can't help but feel that her mental health issues are all my fault. I broke her, I couldn't handle how intense she was, how intense she is, so I'm always telling her to stop. Stop crying, stop singing, stop yelling, stop running, stop talking. Be quiet, go away, leave me alone. Why am I such a bitch? Why can't I just let her be? Why do I always feel I need to fix her?

I want her to love herself and who she is. She is so amazing in so many ways. She defies the status quo, she does what she wants. She is so thoughtful, too thoughtful really, her imagination and her mind take her to scary, dark places more often than not. She is full of life and energy and brings joy to so many people.

I am so scared for her and her future. More than anything, I'm scared she'll turn out to be like me.

She breaks my heart

2011-03-29T22:22:00.003-04:00

On our way home from a friend's house tonight Fiona suddenly burst into tears. She apologized for not listening. Not because she didn't listen tonight, or today, or even yesterday; she felt bad because of all the times she hasn't listened in the past. I reassured her that she had nothing to apologize for, that I love her, that she is good and she needs to let go of these things and not be so hard on herself. But the floodgates were opened.

She shared her fear that I will leave her, or that I will be 'taken away'. She sobbed hysterically while she talked about her fear of losing me. She talked about her fear of going to school because of some horror stories boys in her class told her about a ghost at the school that cuts off kid's heads (yes, I've already emailed the principal and teacher!). She talked about how I make her feel safe, because I love her. I told her that her teacher loves her too, but she said that's not the same, because I'm her mom.

I said what I could to reassure her: ghosts aren't real, those boys are stupid bully liars (I know, not PC but I couldn't help myself), I will never leave her, no one can ever take me away from her, and most of all I love her always no matter what. The problem is, she doesn't believe me. She beats herself down, she thinks she's unworthy of love, she thinks she's bad. SHE IS SIX YEARS OLD. Why is she so hard on herself? How can I convince her that she is loved? How can I convince her that she is an amazing, beautiful, talented, smart, kind, vivacious, wonderful girl? Everyone who meets her is charmed by her. She has a light in her that burns so brightly, but she can't see it.

I am so scared of what her future holds. A lifetime of medication, of therapy, of depression and anxiety. Will her diagnosis shift to something even more sinister than what it is now? Will she abuse drugs or alcohol or herself in her depression? Will she live, or will she try to kill herself? What will her life be like? Will she ever learn to love and forgive herself? Will she ever learn to treat herself with respect and gentleness? How can I teach her these things?

It breaks my heart to see my little baby so incredibly sad and scared. It breaks my heart that my reassurances fall on deaf ears. I wish I knew what to do, how to be, to make it all better forever.

What I've Done

2011-01-26T09:56:00.002-05:00

Anyone who is my friend on Facebook already knows that I went to see Linkin Park play at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit Tuesday night. It was, as Fiona would put it, OSUM! I don't want to forget a thing, so here's what I remember seeing, thinking and feeling. Warning, really long post to follow. I've split it up with headers so you can skip to the actual LP show if you want.

BEFORE THE SHOW
The show was scheduled to start at 7pm. I work downtown, so I went in to the office late and stayed until 6. It was a short drive (less than 5 minutes) to the Joe Louis but my anxiety was in full swing. What if I couldn't get parking? What if I got lost? What if someone accosted me on my way to or from my car (this IS Detroit we're talking about!)? Around 5, I poured myself some coffee to hopefully give me a jolt long enough to last through my drive home, but I about halfway through drinking it I noticed my hands were sweating, and I was having hot and cold flashes. These are the first two signals my body sends me when I'm starting to have a panic attack. Shit. Thankfully I carry Xanax for just such emergencies and when I notice the signs early enough, one little pill can prevent me from having a full fledged panic attack (which SUCKS. If you've never had one, you have no idea how much. I hope you never have to learn). So I popped the pill, dumped the coffee (caffeine + anxiety = BAD) and calmed myself down enough to get on my way safely.

AT THE ARENA
Driving to the Joe Louis was a piece of cake, and parking was great. There was security EVERYWHERE. Guess us Linkin Park fans can be a rowdy lot. I was pleased to see that I wasn't the only middle-aged, 'normal' looking person in the crowd. Sure, there were a lot of punk kids but there were also couples who I could easily work with or attend a PTA meeting with. Entering the arena, the first thing I noticed was alcohol everywhere. In addition to vendors selling it every few yards, there were guys selling cans of beer in at the foot of every set of doors to the arena itself. Oy. Personally, I don't like to drink at concerts, I want to remember every second and not be a bit foggy. But I knew I'd be surrounded by drunks and I was a little afraid of what kind of people I'd be sitting next to. Did I mention yet that I was all alone?! No protection!

I was in my seat by 6:15 and spent my time waiting for the show to start feverishly checking Facebook. I was very glad to have a smart phone to be able to keep in touch with friends, it made me feel less alone. The two seats on either side of me stayed open until Linkin Park started, which was kind of weird, but kind of nice too. The people behind me were drinking steadily, but they never got so drunk as to be obnoxious. The people in front of me did, but I tried my best to ignore them.

THE FIRST TWO BANDS
The first band was a mix of techno and metal. I didn't care for them. No idea what their name was, they were British and the accents mixed with the loud music made it impossible to understand a single word they said. The second band was better, more metal/ hard rock but still I don't think I'd buy their album even if I knew their name. Yes, they were just as unintelligible as the first band. Watching them, and the crowd in the pit in front of the stage (I was in the nosebleed section, as you can see from the photo) was interesting. It reminded me a lot of my early twenties, going to concerts in college and later in Germany where the name of the band or how good they were didn't matter, it was about the experience. The pounding music, the flashing lights made me feel that feeling of being lost in the music again, for a few brief moments. It was cool, and I sort of miss being able to descend that deeply in the music, but in the end my pounding head, aching legs and too present brain let me know that I am way too old for that anymore. It makes me a little sad, but I accept it.

LINKIN PARK!!!
The band opened with New Divide, the theme song from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. This is one of their very few songs that I don't know well, and the only song that made me feel a bit like a poser as everyone around me sang along and I only mouthed the words to the chorus. I honestly can't remember what they played next. One really great thing to their show, if you texted a code to a number during the show, you got emailed a link to an audio download of the ENTIRE show! It's not available yet, but I am so psyched for when I get it and can relieve the entire experience again and again...

DIGRESSION: PLAYLIST
Here's what I can remember of the songs they played, in no particular order:
Numb
Bleed it Out
Iridescent
Crawling
Waiting for the End
Leave Out All the Rest
No More Sorrow
Wisdom, Justice and Love
When They Come For Me
Burning in the Skies
What I've Done
Faint
Papercut
A Place For My Head

I know there was more, they played for about 1.5 hours, but I'm getting confused because I've listened to all their songs so many times that I can't remember if I'm hearing it in my head because they performed it or just because I know it that well and can recall it so easily.

BACK TO THE LINKIN PARK EXPERIENCE
Every song was amazing, they didn't play a single song I don't like. I was super excited when they played a clip from a Martin Luther King Jr. anti-war speech which they put on their album under the title 'Wisdom, Justice, and Love'. The text:

I come to this magnificent house of worship tonight,
Because my conscience leaves me no other choice.
A true revolution of values will lay hands on the world order and say of war:
This way of settling difference is not just.
This business of burning human beings with napalm,
Filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows,
Of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into veins of people normally humane.
Of sending men home from the dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged,
Cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice and love.

They followed it with my current favorite song: Iridescent. This isn't the best sounding video for it, but most closely resembles my experience

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
With no one there to catch you in their arms.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go.
Let it go.

Really, this song, these lyrics, sum up the whole experience for me. I felt so connected to Chester and Mike when they were singing and I really understood where they were coming from, especially Chester. He's got 4 years sober, and most of his music in the last years has been about facing your demons, letting go of your past, forgiving yourself and others. Just look at the lyrics to What I've Done, which is a song I've always loved but never really GOT as well as I did this night. The video is clearly about the shit we humans have done to fuck up the Earth. But watching Chester, singing with him, it was clear to me that the song is about recovery and self-forgiveness.

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

In fact, the whole concert was about recovery and self-forgiveness. It was exactly what I need at this moment in my life and it made me feel so strong and so confident in my choices. So much was illuminated to me about myself, I am so thankful I went. Thank you so much to Chester, Mike and the whole band for being so fucking honest. A lot of people don't like the new sound because they are stuck in the same old rut of hatred, anger and self-loathing, but the new music is about life, love and exploring new things. I love it, I need it, and I'm grateful for it.

Life is Good and Other Things

2011-01-25T16:37:00.003-05:00

Alicia over at How I Became a Tattooed Mommy tagged me with this prestigious award. Which is a very good thing for me, since I haven't had much impetuous to write here lately. Perhaps not such a good thing for you, but that's not my problem. In order to accept, I have to thank Alicia (hertzlichen Dank, meine Liebe!) , answer some questions about myself, and pass it on. Here goes!

Q1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously so that you could be anonymous now? As you can tell, I am not anon here. Sometimes I worry about my kid's peers finding dirt on them and blackmailing them with it, but I figure that at least half of their peers' moms have blogs too so I'll just help them dig up dirt in return. I don't think I actually answered the whole question, but you don't mind, do you?

Q2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. Inner stubborn side? My husband would be laughing his ass off right now. Um, let's see... drawing a blank here. I'll try to come back.

Q3. What do you really see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Really, do I have to answer this with honesty? Okay, here goes: sallow, poxy tired skin, frizzy hair, a doughnut around my stomach and butt, yellow teeth, eyebrows that need to be plucked... I could go on but you get the picture. I'm depressed now. thanks self

Q4. What is your favorite summer cold drink? a butter bear over ice from Biggby's. Espresso, caramel, and chocolate. YUM

Q5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do? Surf the web, read blogs, take baths, watch reruns on Netflix. I'm currently working my way through every episode of Stargate ever made. I'm on season 5 out of 10 for SG1. Thank god for the 90's.

Q6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life? get totally out of debt is my #1. After that, save enough money to actually retire someday. that second one probably won't happen. Geez, I'm depressing today! Sorry

Q7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching? I was the overachieving shy person

Q8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see? I'm going to steal from Alicia here, holding my babies for the first time. I still can hear myself saying 'HI, I'm your mommy!' in that amazed, joyous, crying voice as I took Saskia, then 3 years later Fiona, from the doctor's hands. Awwww.

Q9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people or events? I mostly write about myself. I'm too much of a narcissist to devote much energy to writing about other people.

Q10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why? My degree is in Library Science. Does that answer your question?

And now to pass it on: These are all blogs I check DAILY. Which means they totally rock, go read them NOW.

1. Cristina over at HomeSlice
2. Ellie at One Crafty Mother, although she's at Blissdom for the next week so I don't know if she'll post
3. Kara at One Year of Home Schooling Uncensored
4. Sarah at Finding My Ground

striving for new, learning from old

2011-01-06T12:43:00.003-05:00

It's the beginning of 2011, so of course my mind has been whirling around thinking of what I should say for that obligatory new year post. I've thought about writing out my resolutions and my take on resolutions, and I've thought about writing what I learned in 2010. So here's a little on each.

2011
I tend to think that big resolutions are silly and pointless. The "I'm gonna change my whole life" types of resolutions rarely are followed through with. Instead I've been trying to make small changes for the good. Here's some changes I'd like to make.

1) Be more aware of the food I eat and more diligent in checking things for allergens. If I can't find out the ingredients of the donuts in the conference room, the peppermint mocha at my favorite shop, or the candy in the dish in my boss's office are, I shouldn't eat them.

2) Run. Okay, so this is actually a big one. I'm doing the couch-to-5K. I have never been a runner, but I know that the exercise my body needs most is cardiovascular. I'm halfway to 40 this year and I can't walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath. Besides, running is free* and will help me with losing some of the baby fat that, considering my youngest baby is going on 7, I really should have lost by now.

Sidebar:I did my first day of the couch-to-5K today and it was wonderful and awful. Wonderful to be outside, moving through my quietly beautiful neighborhood as the snow fell. Awful to be in pain from head to toe after 20 minutes: My back and head hurt the worst, a sharp, jarring pain. My chest hurt, I was gasping for breath, my heart pounding, my legs jelly, the muscles from my feet to my calves aching as they stretched. When I got home I found I was 5 minutes short of the time I was supposed to do, so I did 5 minutes of sun salutations & decided that I should end every run with them. Not only did the poses stretch my legs and back, the deep breathing calmed my heart and lungs and the downward dog (which I hold for 5 breaths) got blood flowing back to my brain, ridding me of the headache. Awesome. I'm actually looking forward to my next session on Saturday.

3) Be kinder and more loving to my husband. If you know me well, you know where I'm coming from with this one. If you don't, you don't need to.

4) Be kinder and more loving to my kids. Fiona in particular needs more affection to fill that never satisfied hole in her, and Saskia is 9. In just a couple more years she's going to hate me, so best I get in some good foundations while I still can.

5) Learn more about my religion and be more involved at Temple, or at least make it to Shabbat services on a more regular basis.

2010
This probably needs it's own post, or a whole series of posts. But since it's on my mind, a few things I learned this year:

1) I am capable of big change. Really. Big. Change. And I'm proud of myself for doing it.

2) Intelligence is a gift to be treasured.

3) I often start sentences with, "I'm not very creative..." as a cop out. But I AM creative. And I enjoy being so.

4) It really IS all up to me. My attitude and my perceptions shape my reality, so I might as well make them good.

5) God is loving. He is not in the habit of punishing people, ever.

6) Humans have free will. So yeah, we fuck up a lot, but we can always make a different choice the next time around. Nothing is predestined.

7) I love Fiona BECAUSE of her idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them.

8) Saskia is WAY too smart for her own good. But just because she has the capability to think as an adult, doesn't mean she is one. She's still a kid. I need to remember that.

9) I have a panic disorder. It is not going away, ever. Accepting that, I can deal with it.

10) My husband is a good guy. He's smart, he's loving, and he accepts me for the crazy bitch that I am. He's a keeper.

Bonus
I am doing less in order to do more. I learned from 2010 that I can't have such a full plate. Kid's activities, volunteer work, my job, my obligations as a mom & wife and human being have been overwhelming me for a long, long time. I learned that it's okay to do less, and in ridding myself of some of my obligations I've found that I have time to do more. I have found time to sew, time to run, time to cuddle up with my hubby and time to play games with my kids. All give me so much more than those extra sports, Girl Scout events, and classes ever did.

*Except for the new shoes, gloves, hat, and sports bra I need to buy just to get started.

It gets better*

2010-10-29T22:44:00.003-04:00

I just had a conversation with my daughter; one of those big, meaningful conversations which I as a parent want so desperately to get just right, yet I have no idea what to say. So I pause, and I think, and I try to remember what it was like to be 9, when everything seemed so HUGE. When I had secrets, and fears, and no one to talk to about them; when I believe that betrayals, and mistakes, and bad feelings were forever. Then I open my mouth, and speak from my heart. Tonight I said something like this:

I remember what it was like to be 9. When you're a kid, or a teenager, everything is so big and every situation feels like it will last forever. Secrets feel huge, like their eating your insides. You feel like you have no one to talk to and that you have to handle everything yourself. Things can be so scary, and you worry about making mistakes all the time. One day you'll be in a situation where someone is doing something, or wants you to do something, that feels wrong, like a knot in your stomach. If that hasn't already happened, it will, many times throughout your life. In that moment you have to decide what to do. Do you go with your friends, or with what you know is right? It's really hard to do the right thing, sometimes it feels impossible, like you don't have any choice at all. But there is something you need to know: the only person you have to live with your whole life is yourself. Even though it feels like the end of the world if a friend is mad at you, or stops being your friend, it's not. It gets better. No bad situation or feeling is forever. I know it's hard, but I'm here to help. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to go it alone.

My daughter's know I was bullied in elementary school. We moved to the city when I was going into 5th grade, and my unpopular, uncool, country bumpkin self was the perfect target of the mean, popular girls. They put mean notes in my desk, pinched me and hit me when the teachers weren't looking, ripped up my jacket and bag in the coat room. They told all the other kids that if anyone played with me, they would be shunned by the popular girls. So pretty much no one did, except for one other girl who was equally unpopular. It was a year of hell, and I never told anyone. Why? I look back now and wonder why I thought I had to take care of it myself. Was I too ashamed to tell my parents? Did I think they would make it worse? Or were they just so distant that I didn't think they would care? I wonder why they didn't notice anything, why they didn't question and pry until the truth came out. Maybe they did and I just don't remember, maybe I just wasn't willing to tell. Whatever the case, it was awful, and I was alone, and I don't want my daughters to ever feel anything like that.

The ramifications of bullying exceed so far beyond the initial hazing. My bullies left off after a year, and I was even accepted into their clique for a little while. I went to sleepovers at their homes, hung out with them at school. Why they let me in I will probably never know, but I know why I went so gladly into my tormentors arms: I wanted friendship and I wanted to be part of the 'in' crowd. But even then I knew I wasn't really a part of the group. I was conditioned to see myself as a loser, a loner, and a freak. I was broken, and it was just the beginning.

I'll skip the teenage angst and melodrama, this is after all a sort-of family blog. Sufficed to say, I was miserable for many, many years during which ending it all seemed like a very attractive proposition. Thank God, I never went that far, and a long time later I began to realize that life had gotten better. I realized that if I had acted on those feelings back then, I would've prevented just as much good from happening as bad. I wouldn't have had all the wonderful experiences I've had; traveling in Europe, meeting my husband, having my children.

It gets better. It ALWAYS gets better. No matter how dark, how painful, or how devastating our experiences are, they always pass. I promise.

*I'm not trying to co-opt anything with this title, I just believe in the message. These three words, this phrase, say it all really. The rest is just filler.

And the winner is...

2010-10-15T09:08:00.002-04:00

lucky number 19! Congratulations Alicia, you are the winner of Ellie's beautiful raindrop ring and earring set. I'll be contacting you to get your shipping details and you can expect to receive your gift sometime after Ellie returns from her conference in LA.

Thanks everyone for participating!

Happy Holidays!

2010-10-12T08:46:00.002-04:00

What?! She's talking about holidays?! It's October, is she nuts?!

Let me explain...

I had this idea last night while perusing the etsy shop of a friend. It seems like many people I know have been putting their creativity to work over and have opened online shops. So I decided that this year, I am going to do my best to do all my holiday shopping from friends. Granted, I can't fulfill all of my children's wishes this way, but parents, siblings, teachers and friends will be easy to shop for given the creativity and talent these ladies possess. And because I have a feeling their products will be in high demand come November & December, I decided to start early! Besides, the first day of Hanukkah is December 2nd, and that's right around the corner!

Then I thought, wouldn't it be great if we all tried to shop this way? Instead of heading for Walmart, Target or the mall this year, how about we all try to support our friends and loved ones in their creative endeavors? Hence, this post. I'd like to start a list of all the amazing, talented people we know and love. If you or one of your friends has a shop you'd like to share with us, please link to it in the comment section and I'll update this post to add the link here. Let's support each other and make this a unique holiday season!

To get us started, check out these fabulous ladies shops:

Shining Stones - Gorgeous jewelry designs by Ellie

Poppy and Prue - Adorable and affordable soy candles by Kate

Sassy Monsters - the cutest baby and kid clothes ever! Sweet, sassy, and well-made, these clothes in Cristina's shop are the bees knees.

FREE STUFF!

2010-10-01T13:42:00.005-04:00

Sorry about the spam title, I am just SO EXCITED about this and I couldn't resist! I am hosting my first ever giveaway, courtesy of the amazing Ellie from One Crafty Mother. I honestly can't remember when I discovered Ellie's blog but I know it was in the last year or so and since then it's been my crack. Kidding! Considering that a lot of Ellie's writing concerns her recovery from alcoholism that joke is in pretty bad taste, but in a way it's true. Ellie is a phenomenal writer. Her experiences and insights have so much to offer anyone, no matter what issues they have in their life. I've found a lot of inspiration from her writing, and from her jewelry! At least once a month I go to her store, Shining Stones just to ogle the pretties. So imagine how psyched I was when I received the honor of being able to giveaway TWO of her beautiful pieces right here to one of my lucky friends! See, aren't they gorgeous?!

So now you want to know how to win these pretties right? It's easy, just do one or more of the below to enter! The contest will run until October 15th when I will pick a winner user random.org.

1) Leave a comment with your email address below to let me know you'd like to be entered into the contest (use randomname AT provider DOT com to fool the spam bots)

2) Follow me using Google Friend Connect in the upper left hand corner of my blog, then leave a comment to let me know that you did so.

3) Follow Ellie at One Crafty Mother then leave a comment here to let me know that you did so.

4) Follow Ellie on Twitter : @onecraftyellie then leave me a comment to let me know you did so... but don't ask me how to do it cuz I've never been on Twitter.

5) "Like" Ellie's Facebook page One Crafty Mother and leave me a comment that you did.

6) Go to the shop Shining Stones and leave a comment letting me know your favorite piece with a link back to it. For every comment you leave you get another entry into the contest!

Remember not to nest your comments or they won't count! In addition, for the next two weeks until October 15th you can get a discount in Ellie's shop on any item! To take advantage of the 15% discount, go to Ellie's shop here: www.shiningstones.etsy.com and select your item(s). At checkout, click on "other" for method of payment, and put the following promotional code in the message to seller: GIVEAWAY15. You will get a message saying "contact seller to arrange payment", but Ellie will contact you to set up a direct bill (at the discounted rate) via paypal, check or money order.

So go click! Shop! Comment! Enjoy!

Why convert?

2010-08-30T13:58:00.002-04:00

Some background: I was raised in a Christian family but ever since High School I’ve had a problem with the idea of Christ as the Messiah. Over the years that has crystallized in an understanding that I don’t believe in the immaculate conception, the resurrection, the divinity of Christ or the Trinity. I do believe in God though, and I did want a religion, but my beliefs precluded Christianity from ever being an acceptable choice. I tried Unitarian Universalism for a few years, but while I enjoyed the environmental/social/human rights stuff I missed the spirituality. I needed a religion. So I started to read, and in Judaism I found everything I was looking for.

What attracted me to Reform Judaism?

God: The Jewish concept of one infinite, unknowable God perfectly meshes with mine
Torah: ‘The people of the book’, Judaism revolves around Torah, the Tanakh, Midrash and other methods of study. Hey, I’m a librarian, I love books! And I love the idea of having a pattern, a way of life and of worship spelled out for me.
Ritual: Keeping kosher, lighting Shabbat candles, having a Passover Seder, building a sukkah, hanging a mezuzah. I love that I have these ways of bringing God into daily life and making ordinary activities, like eating dinner or walking through a doorway spiritual reminders of God’s presence in my life.
Action: Jews live in this world, here, today. They do not live for some possible future in heaven. They work to make the world a better place daily. Justice, human rights, social action, volunteerism and charity are ingrained into Jewish life.
Worship: I love attending Kabbalat Shabbat services. The pure joy in worship that I experience at each service brings me to tears nearly every week. I have never known such a joyous group of people before.
Sabbath: The concept of taking a day of rest, of allowing oneself to rejuvenate and to celebrate and embrace life instead of just rushing through it is incredibly healing.
Welcome: Everyone I have met and interacted with at my synagogue has been so kind, welcoming and helpful. I have never felt more ‘wanted’ in my life!
High Holidays: Atonement, returning to God, asking forgiveness. What beautiful concepts, what a necessity to live in loving kindness. That these concepts are ritualized during the Days of Awe and Yom Kippur is to me more evidence that this is the right religion for me.

What have I found at Temple?

Really it can be summed up in one word. Home.

Tomorrow morning I enter the mikvah and take my Hebrew name, Chana, along with my youngest daughter. Tomorrow afternoon we will be Jews. Shalom.

Adolesence revisited

2010-08-01T09:57:00.002-04:00

Saskia and I went to the bookstore yesterday to pick up a birthday present for a friend, and of course while we were there we got her and her sister a book. It was so much fun for me to see her oohing and ahhing over all the books; she found at least 10 in the first few minutes that she wanted, and as time went on the list just kept getting longer. At the top are 3 of her current favorite authors, Beverly Cleary, Andrew Clements, and Judy Blume. How I remember pouring over these exact same authors as an adolescent and pre-teen! Books like 'Dear Mr. Henshaw', 'Blubber', 'The Report Card', and 'Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing' spoke to me about exactly what I was feeling at that age. The characters could have been me. The fear, the anger, the confusion, the sadness, the changes! How did those authors, those adults, speak to me and other kids so well? How did they remember with such compassion how truly awful it is to go through puberty and to be a pre-teen or teen? I didn't ask those questions then, but I do now, because if I am going to be the best parent I can be, I need to remember too. So with this in mind at the bookstore I picked up the epitome of adolescent literature, 'Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.' Saskia, seeing it was a book by one of her favorite authors, thought it was for her. I explained that it is for her, but not quite yet. That this book is required reading for a girl, that it is part of the right of passage into becoming a woman, and that she will read it some day soon. Her interest was piqued, to say the least. But she respected that she needs to wait a year or so before she is ready for the book.

Last night I picked up the book and didn't put it down again until I had read it all the way through. Oh, the memories! I honestly had no idea that the book was as relevant to our current religious quest as it is. All I remembered was the sneaking of the anatomy book and Playboy, the 'We must increase our bust' exercises (as an aside, what girl DIDN'T try those exercises in secret at some point?!), the first menstruation, the bra shopping (the horror!). And while as an adult now I recognize the importance of the religious questions pursued by the character Margaret, it is still the issues of puberty which I think the book deals best with (and the reason it is one of the top 100 banned books of the 20th century).

While reading, I was transported back to the time of those firsts for me. I remember I was given the book by a friend in secret because our mothers didn't want us reading such things. Our mothers didn't want to tell us much of anything! The feeling that I remember the most is one of being so alone! Going through these changes in secret, not knowing or understanding what was going on. NEVER talking to my mother, because what did she know (or care!)? As an adult I'm horrified that I, and so many other girls of my generation (and every generation I suspect) went through that time alone. After all, our mothers and grandmothers had been through it before us. Why didn't they talk to us?! Why didn't they prepare us?! Didn't they remember what it was like? The raging hormones, the growth (or not) of our bodies, the feelings, both physical and emotional. What a horrible time of life it can be when you are all alone.

Rereading this book, I vowed to remember what it felt like to go through those changes. I vowed to be there for my daughters, to prepare them, to listen to them, to have sympathy for them when they are raging, or crying, or shutting me out. I hope I do better than my mother did. I hope, for the sake of all the girls about to become women out there that we all do better than our mothers did!

What’s in a name?

2010-07-20T09:57:00.001-04:00

***Holy crap, I haven't published anything here since April?! How times flies! I would promise to be better, but I honestly don't know if I can keep that promise, so I'll just say I'll try***

It’s time to pick my Hebrew name. This is a huge deal for me. I want it to represent who I am, what I believe, and the journey I have been on for the last year. I don’t write this for opinions or votes (although don’t let that stop you from commenting if you want), rather to help me define how I feel about each of these names and hopefully feel my heart tug me towards one.

Yo’ana: Means “God has answered”. God always answers my prayers, spoken or not. He has always been there for me even when I didn’t know it or accept it. He has given me a new life in more ways than one. This name also makes me think of the Torah and God’s answer to His people’s cries through Moses. It makes me think of the covenant made between the people of Israel and God, and how by entering into that covenant as a Jew I am answering his call, just as he answered mine.

Yiska: This is apparently the Hebrew equivalent of Christina. Yiska was the sister of Lot in the Bible, more than that I don’t know about her. This is one of the most phonetically pleasing of the names I have chosen. It sounds Eastern European and reminds me of the Ashkenazi Jews who lived in the area where some of my family immigrated from. It makes me feel bound to the European Jews who perished in the Holocaust and reminds me that as a convert I am helping in a very small way to rebuild the people of Israel.

Chana: Means “Grace”; in the Bible, Chana was the mother of Samuel. Ah, I love the name Grace! To steal a quote from the internet: ‘Although there is no Christian notion of saving grace in Judaism, it is taught that God always offers even the most evil men the possibility of repentance (teshuva, "turning"). After such repentance one can atone for one's rebellion against God's ways by positive action.’ This makes me think of Yom Kippur and the Jewish tradition of asking God’s forgiveness for turning away from Him and trying to make the world a better place by making myself a better person. This notion of being a better person is one that has become very, very important to me in the last year! It brings in the concept of acceptance and the understanding that ‘I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.’

Chasya: Means “Protected by God”. This name is sort of a combination of Yo’ana and Yiska for me. It has much of the same connotations for me as Yo’ana but with a stronger focus on how God has protected me throughout my life and continues to do so. I don’t believe that God chooses to save people’s lives but at the same time I do believe that he has a plan for me and my children and has intervened at a couple of key moments to protect my soul. Phonetically this is one of my favorites too, with the same Eastern European feel as Yiska.

Cha’ya: Means “Alive, living” and is related to the name Chava. Living life to its fullest is my goal. Being the best person I can be, living a good life, are important to me. I have had many bouts of depression where I didn’t want to live but I have survived through them and really believe that life is a precious gift which shouldn’t be wasted.

Chava: Means “Life”; is the name in the Hebrew Bible for Eve. Pretty much the same as Cha’ya with the additional representation of my new life as a Jew.

G-d

2010-04-20T21:56:00.004-04:00

So I've got this other blog which I've posted a whole two times to, which is supposed to be about my relationship with/search for/understanding of God. But since I've only posted there twice and I figure that someday I'll combine this blog with that one anyway, I'm just going to go ahead and post this here.

Tonight we had a fabulous Intro to Judaism class with a fascinating rabbi, we'll call him Rabbi Y for now since I am still not comfortable with giving the internet 100% of the details about my life just in case all those cautious people are right and someone IS stalking me through my blog. Not like I've made it all that hard to murder me in my sleep, but I digress.

At the beginning of class Rabbi Y asked us to go around in a small group and state our understanding of God in a few words. Wowsa, a few words? Me? Hey, I hear you laughing... but this is something like what I was able to say in the time I had

I believe God is Omnipotent and Omnipresent
I believe God is Good
I believe God is ultimately unknowable, and that religions are peoples' way of trying to explain the unexplainable
I believe God gave humans free will
I believe God presents us with choices every moment we live. He (for lack of a better term) wants us to make the right choice, but doesn't stop us if we make the wrong one
I believe this is why bad things happen to good people, because other people made the wrong choice
I believe God loves us

Next, Rabbi Y had us make a knot by holding hands with two other people in the group, but not those beside us. Then we had to try to unravel the knot. My group couldn't do it. After we sat down again, Rabbi Y asked us where God was in that knot. Most people answered, 'in the head'. This led to a discussion of rationalism and God as the 'ultimate brain' (as I'm currently re-reading 'A Wrinkle in Time' this was a disturbing image for me!). My answer; God is in the hands, because He is in the relationships and connections we formed. According to Rabbi Y this is the existential way of thinking about God, as put forth by Martin Buber in his work 'Ich-Du' (translation: 'I-Thou'). This entry from the Jewish Virtual Library sums up this thought well:

According to Buber, frequently we view both objects and people by their functions...Rather than truly making ourselves completely available to them, understanding them, sharing totally with them, really talking with them, we observe them or keep part of ourselves outside the moment of relationship. We do so either to protect our vulnerabilities or to get them to respond in some preconceived way, to get something from them. Buber calls such an interaction I-It.

It is possible, notes Buber, to place ourselves completely into a relationship, to truly understand and "be there" with another person, without masks, pretenses, even without words. Such a moment of relating is called "I-Thou." Each person comes to such a relationship without preconditions. The bond thus created enlarges each person, and each person responds by trying to enhance the other person. The result is true dialogue, true sharing.

Such I-Thou relationships are not constant or static... [D]escribing the moment objectifies it and makes it an I-It. The most Buber can do in describing this process is to encourage us to be available to the possibility of I-Thou moments, to achieve real dialogue. It can't be described. When you have it, you know it....

Buber then moves from this existential description of personal relating to the religious experience. For Buber, God is the Eternal Thou. By trying to prove God's existence or define God, the rationalist philosophers automatically established an I-It relationship...

Like a person we love, we can't define God; we can't set up preconditions for the relationship. We simply have to be available, open to the relationship with the Eternal Thou...For Buber, it is possible to have an I-Thou relationship with God through I-Thou moments with people, nature, art, the world.

Talk about cool! I am so getting me some Buber to read. :)

The last concept was that God was in the hearts, which Rabbi Y equated with our souls. Here he went into a discussion about the name of God, which we are not supposed to speak or write. Hence the observant Jew's use of G-d in writing, especially in the non-permanent world of the internet, and the substitution of 'Adonai' when one comes upon the name of God in a text while reading or reciting. But I'm digressing again, Rabbi Y shared the theory that the name of God, which is all vowels, may have been pronounced like a breath of air. I can't write it... but imagine a sharp, short breath with a bit of a yaw sound to it. In addition, Rabbi Y told us that the first lines of the Hebrew Book of Genesis which are traditionally translated as 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Now the earth was unformed and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters. ' 'the spirit of God' can also be translated as 'wind'. And one of the Hebrew words for 'soul' is neshama. The word neshama comes from nesheema, which means "breath." So we have a soul, which is our breath, and God which is breath or wind, put them together and we have God in every inhalation and exhalation that we make. Double cool!

But this post is getting long, I'm getting tired, and I have a new book I want to get started on (Living a Joyous Life: The True Spirit of Jewish Practice by Rabbi David Aaron) so I'll just close with a few more ideas about what I think God is after having my thoughts stimulated by the class.

God is that which is just outside the farthest border of what we can comprehend and/or explain
God and science are the same thing, just from different approaches
When bad things happen, God is always in the equation. But he's not the one hitting you with the big stick, he's the one that takes the pain from the bruises, if you'll only give it to him

You Don't Know My Kid (so STFU)

2010-04-12T13:07:00.003-04:00

Warning: I'm kinda pissed. No one should take this post personally.

Scene One: Picking up a prescription for my little one's anti-depressant at the pharmacy.

Me: "Fiona's doctor called in a prescription, is it ready yet?"
Clerk, checking computer: "I can't give you that, the pharmacist won't allow it."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Clerk to pharmacist: "What's this about, it says "check age"?"
Pharmacist, looking at computer: "She's too young for that medication. Do you know why the doctor prescribed it?"
Me: "She's been on this medication for over 6 months now. She is under close supervision by a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Her psychiatrist prescribed this for her because IT HELPS HER."
Pharmacist: "Well I don't think it's appropriate to put a kid on anti-depressants."
Me: "Well her psychiatrist who is a specialist in childhood depression and anxiety does. "
Pharmacist: "Fine, we just want to make sure you know why this drug is being prescribed."
.................................................................................................

Scene Two: Our backyard. That dayFiona had been grounded for 2 days from TV for whining, talking back and screaming at me for hours on end...

Fiona, crying hysterically: "I' m sorry!"
Me, calmly: "I know you are sorry."
Fiona: "So I'm ungrounded?"
Me: "No, you are not ungrounded. You need to learn to respect what mama says."
Fiona: "But I said I'm sorry!"
Me: "I know."
Fiona, now sitting in my lap sobbing: "This is all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault."
Me: "Fiona, you need to let this go now."
Fiona: "I can't! It's all my fault. You hate me now."
Me: "I do not hate you. I love you very much. I just don't like the way you are acting today."
Fiona: "No you don't, you hate me. Why don't you like me?"
Me: "I do like you, I just don't like your behavior."
Fiona: "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I want to kill myself."
Me: "Fiona, please don't think that. I love you so much. I would be so sad if something happened to you. Life is good, you have so many people who love you. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Fiona: "I can't stop thinking about it! It's all my fault!"

...This conversation goes on for another hour or so, until I stick her in the bath in a desperate attempt to distract her, which works (thank God). After her bath she had dinner and was finally calm enough to go to bed.
...........................................................................................

Scene Two was just one example of the ways in which my daughter is extreme in her emotions and behaviors. I could give you a dozen more, but frankly I don't feel like it. I've read books, talked to people, taken her to a variety of specialists and doctors and we've finally found a diagnosis that makes sense. That takes all her unique ways of being so raw to the world and helps her find ways to live without being so freaked out all the time. Therapy is a big part of this, but medication is a part as well. And that's OK. The meds that she is taking help her. They tame the wild beasts of her mental illness and they have given me back the joyous, energized, full-of-life child that I used to know before her disorders began to manifest themselves. I can't stress enough the ways in which my child has blossomed in the last 6 months or so, and it's all thanks to the help she is getting.

So why this post? Because people judge, and I'm sick of it. The pharmacist who doesn't approve of her medicine. The people who think we are crazy for sending her to therapy. The well meaning parents and educators and doctors who make the assertion that too many kids are put on drugs these days (which I do agree with, btw) and then take it too far and say that all kids on drugs don't need them. The strangers in parking lots, grocery stores and even schools who whisper and give unsolicited advice when viewing a tantrum. None of those people knows my child. None of them has the right to say what my kid does or does not need, how I should or should not parent her. All of them need to STFU.

Pesach

2010-04-05T20:26:00.002-04:00

Our first Passover (Pesach) was wonderful, despite the fact that both Fiona and I were seriously ill with strep throat. Actually, she was on the mend with several days of antibiotics in her system, but I was on day one and s.i.c.k. Several Motrin and some allergy meds on top of the antibiotics got me well enough to prepare Passover dinner, and I am so glad! We only had one Haggadah which I don't recommend, which we had to pass around to read from. Since Fiona can't read, we had her recite some of the poems and prayers by repeating after me line by line. She also got to open the door for Eliyahu, and of course both girls got to search for the matzah, for which they demand a reward of chocolate egg creams (they got $5 each instead, I didn't have any club soda). Since my Hebrew is pretty much non-existant and I can't pronounce the transliteration, I found a great website which has audio files of several prayers and songs. We sang along to the songs and listened to the prayers. I think the kid's favorite was Dayenu, but I find Eliyahu HaNavi to be the most touchingly beautiful.

On the menu was a collection of recipes from a new kid's cookbook I got Saskia called "Matzah Meals". We started with matzah ball soup, a huge hit. The main course was gifilte fish (big blech from all of us), potato pudding (yummy, a little like hashbrowns) and tsimmes (apples, yams and carrots baked in a brown sugar sauce). For dessert we had fruit compote and peach kugel. The kugel was excellent, we're definitely making that again!

All in all, we had a great time and learned a few things (like I should really use a fireplace match to light the candles!). Following are a few pictures from the beginning of the evening, in reverse order because Blogger does that! and I am too tired to manually switch around the code. Oh, and no worries, that's grape juice in all of our glasses.

The Easter That Wasn't

2010-04-04T18:15:00.000-04:00

As I and my family delve more deeply into our exploration of Judaism, we are beginning to celebrate new holidays and stopping the celebration of others. Easter has been the first real test of this.

I didn’t truly realize how Christianized our secular American society is (or how secularized Christian traditions are) until this past week. Sure I knew it, I just didn’t get it. It’s not like we were ever Christians. As a UU with an atheist husband we certainly never celebrated the birth of Jesus or his resurrection. The holidays were primarily secular in nature for us. They were about traditions like visiting Santa at the nearby tree farm, listening to carols while baking cookies, or hiding eggs around the house for the girls to find. They were also materialistic, with Christmas being the primary gift giving day of the year and Easter the primary candy giving one. Mostly, they were about family and community. And because of this I had no qualms defending non-Christian celebration of these holidays to some of my devout acquaintances, who believe that if you don’t believe in Christ, you don’t have any business celebrating their holiday. I also had no problem arguing for the inclusion of things like Christmas trees or carols at the holiday office party. “Yes, I know that there are people in the office that don’t celebrate Christmas, but it’s just music! I’m not a Christian and I love it!”

But a funny thing happened on the way to conversion. All of a sudden it doesn’t seem appropriate for my family to celebrate these holidays. All of a sudden they feel very religious indeed. The thought crossed my mind that we could have baskets, candy and a visit from an oversized bunny on Sunday, but why? Why celebrate an event that I don’t believe happened? And how do you justify baskets and a bunny when they both have “Easter” in the title?

In the days, weeks even, leading up to the holiday I informed the girls whenever the subject came up that “we won’t be celebrating Easter this year”. Thankfully, Passover was the Monday night before Easter, so we had something else to look forward to, and the girls really enjoyed our Seder. Saskia certainly didn’t seem to mind the exclusion of Easter. In fact I overheard her on the phone Saturday night telling a friend, “We don’t celebrate Easter. My mom is becoming Jewish.” The other girl must have asked something because there was a pause and then she said, “I want to become Jewish too.” Talk about a proud mommy moment! But I digress…

Fiona is clearly more confused about the whole thing, and society isn’t helping. In school they have been coloring pictures of Easter bunnies for weeks. On Thursday they dyed eggs and had an Easter party. On Saturday when she went shopping with me the cashiers at every store asked her a variety of “Are you excited for Easter? Have you painted eggs yet? What do you think the Easter bunny will bring you?” questions. She just looked at them and didn’t say anything, partly because she doesn’t really like talking to strangers and partly because well, what could she say? And it was then that I got it. How pervasive Christian holidays are in secular American society. How frankly annoying it is to have everyone around you assume you celebrate them too, even if you’re not Christian.

I’m beginning to think that perhaps all those people who get huffy about celebrating Christmas and Easter in secular settings like schools and offices were right all along. The fact is, they are religious holidays and they are not for everyone. While I can wish my Christian friends a “Happy Easter” and understand that I am expressing my desire for them to enjoy their holiday, I can’t explain to my children why the Easter bunny doesn’t come to our house any more (they haven’t asked yet, but I’m sure Fiona will eventually) and right now, I wish that schools and TV and grocery store clerks didn’t make such a big deal out of it so I wouldn’t have to.

A Way to Live

2010-03-12T14:18:00.003-05:00

This morning there was an email from my husband in my inbox with a job description he'd like to apply for. He sent it to me under the assumption that I wouldn't want him to apply because of the location. I think I surprised him when I wrote back and said to go for it. Since then I've been a bit day-dreamy, imagining what life would be like if he did get this job. It's in an amazing location, in a place which would require a lot of changes on our part to fit in. I imagined myself not working, at least for the first few months, while I got the girls adjusted. I imagined us taking daily trips around the city, seeing all the sights. I imagined the interactions we'd have with people, the conversations, the life-style. It all is so perfect in my mind. Now I know two things about these imaginings. 1) It's not likely to happen, so I should not get my hopes up and 2) nothing is ever as I imagine it will be.

To the first, I feel I have a healthy attitude. Life is good, with minor exceptions, like what happened yesterday to my eldest. I have a beautiful, loving family, a wonderful home in a great neighborhood, friends, activities and a life that I love. If nothing comes of this I will be just fine with what I have.

To the second, I remind myself that the grass is always greener on the other side. I moved from the US to Europe back to the US seeking that perfect place and I am realistic enough to know it doesn't exist. Some places are more beautiful, more friendly, more fitting for a person than others but everywhere can work if we work at making it do so. But still those pictures of rising early to take the train to a cultural center with my girls in tow, showing them all the wonders they are now old enough to appreciate, well those pictures are very tempting. I imagine that I am wise enough now not to waste such an opportunity, as I frequently wasted my time in Germany. I imagine I would live every day to the fullest. Then it hits me, that I can do that now. I don't have to go to some far off fairy tale land to live. I can do it here, today, by making different choices. Instead of watching TV in the evening, I can take a walk in my lovely neighborhood. Instead of wasting away a weekend doing laundry and shopping, I can take my children skating, or to the DIA, or out to the countryside. There are opportunities everywhere, we just have to reach out and take them. That's a way I'd like to live.

It breaks my heart

2010-03-11T20:25:00.003-05:00

Just this morning I was reading Undomestic Diva's post about a kid who was mean to her kid and how crappy it made her feel. My heart wrenched for her and her son and for all the girls and boys out there who suffer(ed) from mean kids. Little did I know then that my heart was going to be stomped all over this evening.

I picked up the girls from school and my eldest promptly told me that her best friend, the girl who she has made countless bracelets and pictures and presents for, the girl she has had spend the night and who she talks about endlessly and loves with her whole heart, the girl who JUST SUNDAY she spent an hour holding hands with at our cookie booth sale told her today that she is no longer her best friend. Apparently this girl is mad at my baby because she doesn't wear her "best friend" bracelet that the girl's mom bought her often enough. At least, that's the story. Who knows if it's the whole story.

Now of course I am seething at this news: How dare this girl hurt my girlie like that? How dare she just dump her for such a stupid thing? My god, they aren't even in Middle School yet! They're eight! Is this where it starts, the meanness, the cliques, the ins and outs and pain? I know for me it started at 10, I was the new, dorky country girl at a city school and I was tormented, tortured and ostracized by the popular girls. I remember that ache, that loneliness. I remember believing them; that I was ugly, stupid, no good. Those were the start of some of the worst years of my life. All of school was a nightmare, but fifth grade, that was the worst.

So I asked my girlie how she felt about this and of course she is very sad. At first the angry me reigned and I told her that the girl was being a drama queen. Then I composed myself a little and tried to be adult and give good advice, but in situations like this I feel so helpless. So I told her that all humans have problems with their friends from time to time, even when they are adults. That if she wants to work it out with this girl, the best thing would be to talk to her; tell her how she made her feel, and ask her why she spoke and acted the way she did.

I'm still outraged. I want to cry, and I feel like I'm going to puke. I want to shake the little brat and tell her to grow the fuck up. Friends don't treat friends like that. And I want to tell her mom a big 'fuck you'.

I'm so scared by this shit. The world is such a hard place, and I hate it so much that my sweet children have to live in it. I hate that they have to experience things like this. It breaks my heart to see them hurt. I want to wrap them in a blanket to dull the sharp edges. I want to surround them with friends who love them, unconditionally for the rest of their lives. I want to collect all the bad things and hide them far, far away. But I can't. And I hate that.

DDSD

2010-03-01T18:24:00.002-05:00

I have been self-diagnosed with DDSD, or Detroit Driving Stress Disorder. Signs that you too, may be suffering from DDSD:

You see orange barrels everywhere you go
You frequently find yourself driving 20mph over the speed limit, usually in response to someone in front of you driving 20mph under it
You suffer from twitches brought on by the need to suddenly jerk your car out of the way of some idiot who is drifting into your lane
You find yourself randomly yelling things like: "Doesn't anyone around here know how to merge?!" or "That yield sign isn't there for decoration!"
Your children know that "stupid cow" refers not an intellectually challenged bovine, but rather to the broad in the SUV who nearly blind-sided you while texting and driving.
Events at the Cobo make you want to cry
You life is shortened by one day due to stress for every day you drive into the city

There is no known cure for DDSD, except for moving far, far away. However there is hope; years of therapy coupled with copious amounts of Xanax has proven to improve the condition of DDSD sufferers and turn them from quivering balls of rage to mildly irritated mutterers.

Girls

2010-02-24T08:05:00.003-05:00

A recent conversation with my eldest went something like this:

Me: Where should we go when your sister comes to visit this summer?
Her: Paris!
Me: Why would Toni fly all the way to America from Germany just to turn around and fly back to France, which is right next to Germany? Besides, I can't afford to fly 5 people to Paris, it's too expensive.
Her: Then let's go to Florida.
Me: Um, think locally dear. No place that requires an airplane.
Her (getting upset): Well there's nothing to do around here! (I have to give her this one)
Me: We could go to Chicago.
Her (disgust dripping off her tongue): Chicago?! What's in Chicago?
Me: Well, the American Girl store is in Chicago. They have lots of cool stuff for your dolls, there is even a restaurant where you can eat with your dolls.
Her (voice full of sarcasm more appropriate for a girl 10 years older): Uh, eating in a restaurant with your doll is so five-years old.

At this point she's pissed and I'm annoyed. We walk into the house and my husband, noticing the mood asks "what's wrong?". I reply, "she's mad at me". She screams like a banshee, "I AM NOT MAD!" and races upstairs to her room, slams the door and, I presume, throws herself on her bed. If she had a cell phone she'd be calling her BFF to tell her how her parents just "don't understand her" and we are "so unfair".

I tell ya, girls can be lovely, and honestly I much prefer them to boys, but they(we) are so high-strung! It's like we live on the edge of our skin, and the slightest disturbance can knock us off balance. Girls are so changeable, so sensitive, so perceptive and so easily pissed off. I have so many memories of behaving exactly like this, oh the drama. And to be honest I still have my moments. I know these sound like stereo-types, and perhaps it's not all girls (and women) but just me and mine? Although I've noticed many of the same behaviors in my girl scouts. Perhaps it's socialization, perhaps it's a hormonal change occurring at this age (eight-nine), maybe it's learned behavior from older female role models and moms (ya think?!) but many of them have become such little smart-asses! They can be so sarcastic, and they are all terribly impressed with their own wit. Oh, wait, that's me again isn't it?

I fear I have a very intense journey ahead of me the next few years. Hell, maybe the rest of my life, if my daughters follow too closely in my footsteps. It's draining, and frustrating, yet funny to (oh WHAT-ever Girl!). Sounds like... life.

AAArrrragghhh!

2010-02-18T08:02:00.003-05:00

Fiona is sick. AGAIN. That child has a viral or bacterial infection at least twice a month. Always with the congestion, cough, fever. And the rest of us get sick fairly often too. Why?! I mean, I know I am not winning any housekeeping awards or anything. I dust maybe once a year. Okay, I lie. I never dust. We vacuum our hardwood floors maybe every 2-4 weeks, and the bathrooms get cleaned once a month or so. So yeah, my house is probably germy. But what about all those studies that say that people are getting sick more now because of hyper-cleanliness? So shouldn't my kids' immune system be boosted by the, um, state of my home?

Then there is nutrition, yeah it's not like the kids eat vitamins. No veggies, not much fruit. Their diet consists mostly of carbs, proteins, dairy and sugars. However trying to get my children to eat a vegetable, or take a vitamin, is a true Mission Impossible. It. Can. Not. Be. Done.

And allergies. Fiona is allergic to everything environmental, as am I. Cats, yep, we have 3. Dust, did I mention I don't dust? Pollens should be down since it's winter, but we are both allergic to mites and are supposed to have all hypo-allergenic bedding, mattresses etc but that costs up the Ass and we can't afford that shit. So we take allergy medicine daily and hope for the best.

So I guess you are all laughing yourselves silly right now thinking "and she still wonders WHY her kids are sick all the time?" Well, yeah! I mean I get that our allergies in particular make us more prone to respiratory infections, but still!

I'm hoping that one of my dear friends can give me some suggestions as to how I can make our lives healthier, without, you know, requiring me to dust. Or get rid of the cats. Or feed my kids vegetables. Other than that, all suggestions please!

P.R.O.U.D

2010-02-10T08:33:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting on the couch (working from home rocks!) listening to Fiona do a word search at the table. She recites the letters she is looking for over and over until she finds them. "N.O.O.D.L.E, N.O.O.D.L.E" etc. She's doing awesome. Have I mentioned lately that she is FIVE?! Maybe I'm out of touch, but it seems to me that being able to do a word search in Kindergarten is pretty cool. Speaking of Kindergarten, report cards came home Tuesday and that girl got "Achieving above grade-level expectations" in EVERY subject except physical education. She is so my kid :)

Praise the Lawd

2010-02-01T09:05:00.002-05:00

January is finally over! I swear this last month was the longest month I have ever lived. Normally February is the month which seems to drag on like a monster truck being pulled by snails, but this year it was January which just went on and on and on and on... and you get the picture.

I think it's because this January was so very busy, or maybe it was just because I spent nearly every day working from the time I got up until the time I went to bed. Wait, I do that all the time. But this month was extra filled with long days and stressful projects and events of a not so pleasant nature. But it's done! The month is ovah! And while I am a little worried that February, the 32 year-long undefeated winner of Worst Month of the Year may yet prove to be even worse than January I am comforted by the fact that at least there are only 28 days of that bad boy.

Night

2010-01-29T20:13:00.003-05:00

I feel as though I am in a dark abyss. Sadness this heavy is something I usually only experience at the lowest lows of my depression cycles. I feel paralyzed, my mind is numb with shock. It's turned off, tuned out, the way a mind does after experiencing a horrifying trauma. Yet as lethargic as I feel, as opposed to tuning in as I am at this moment, I know the healthy thing is to let myself feel these feelings. I need to think, and to act. This is the first step towards that.

This deep, psychological sadness and trauma was not brought about by an event in my life, rather by events which occurred 65 years ago in Poland, Hungary, Holland, Italy and of course, Germany (among other places I'm sure). The events are those which we all know about, which we've all read about, which we've all shook our heads over and briefly thought, "why?" about before going on to our every day lives. The Holocaust. The attempted annihilation of a religion and a race. The mass murder of 6 million Jews and many other human beings. It's just history to most people now-a-days, isn't it? Sure, we remember on Holocaust Remembrance Day (Jan. 27th) or on Yom Hashoah(the 27th of Nissan, this year April 11th). We are reminded on occasion by television shows, movies or books; which to a greater or lesser extent try to capture the horror of these events. But how often do we let it touch us? How often do we actually feel, even in the smallest of ways, the horror of Auschwitz, of Chelmno, of Birkenau? Of the cattle cars, the showers, the furnaces? The torture, the apathy, the pure evil which spread itself across Europe like the plague from 1933-1945? The fact of the matter is we can never feel the true horror those men, women, children and families felt. But we MUST remember, lest we one day repeat history.

A quote from the preface to "Night" by Elie Wiesel:

"For the survivor who chooses to testify, it is clear: his duty is to bear witness for the dead and the living. He has no right to deprive future generations of a past that belongs to our collective memory. To forget would be not only dangerous but offensive; to forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time... The witness has forced himself to testify. For the youth of today, for the children who will be born tomorrow. He does not want his past to become their future."

It is my fear, that as Holocaust survivors pass away and Holcaust deniers raise the volume and intensity of their lies, that we will forget. Then God help our children, because humankind will not.

____________________________________________________________________

Night, by Elie Wiesel has stirred all this darkness in me and sent it bubbling to the surface. It is hard to believe in a loving God, or in human decency, in the face of such horrors as are described within the pages of this book. Elie documents his family's deportation from Hungary to the concentration camps in Poland by crowded cattle cars. He vividly recalls living children being tossed into fires at Birkenau. Living. Children. Fed to flames, because they could not "work". His mother and sisters, murdered without a second glance. He tells us of the conditions he and his father endured at Auschwitz, where "arbeit" did not set anyone free of anything except a quick death. The way the prisioners were forced to flee, on foot, in winter, from the advancing Red Army. The way they were herded once more into cattle cars and deported to Germany, only to be massacred once they got there. Why? Why? Why? How did so many regular people, normal Germans, go stark raving mad all at once? Don't get me wrong, I know many Germans were not Nazis. Many felt compassion for the Jews among them, tried to help them. But many more DID NOT. And even ignoring them for the moment, what about all those SS officers and military personel. I am sure there was a mob mentality, that men (and women) became conditioned to the cruelty. But even that does not begin to touch on the reality of what those people did to other human beings. To children. No explanation, no psychology, could ever begin to explain the mass insanity that pervaded the Nazi party.

If you have not read Night, I highly recommend it, despite the horror I felt upon reading it, and the sadness I feel now. This is reality. This really happened. It cannot be forgotten. I understand with my whole heart for the first time, the utter necessity for the state of Israel. Jews MUST have a homeland. For centuries, it did not matter how long a Jew had lived in a country. How many generations had been raised there. If they considered themselves Italian, or German, or Dutch. In less than one generation a buried hatred spurned on by poverty, economic depression, war and greed boiled over to an attempt to destroy an entire people. Those people must have a homeland, a safe haven where they can return if ever in danger again. No amount of integration will change that need. I still disagree with many Israeli political and military decisions, (just as I disagree with many American ones!) but I am now ferverently dedicated to the existance of a Jewish state. In that sense, my reading of Night has brought me more than sadness, it's brought me a new understanding and passion.

Thank you, Elie Wiesel, for sharing your darkest hour with the world. May we never forget.

The last words of Night:

"One day when I was able to get up, I decided to look at myself in the mirror on the opposite wall. I had not seen myself since the ghetto.

From the depths of the mirror, a corpse was contemplating me.

The look in his eyes as he gazed at me has never left me."

Decade in Review

2009-12-31T09:18:00.003-05:00

I stole this idea from a friend's Facebook status and decided to expand a little on it. Presenting Christina's high- (and perhaps low-) lights of 2000-2010:

2000

Rung in the new millennium with my then boyfriend Henning in his hometown of Kiel, Germany. Specifically, I got really drunk and uh-hum and was puking right around midnight. In hindsight, that should've been a sign.
Spent the year working for an aeronautical IT company and partying hard
Met my future husband
Traveled around Spain in October
Got pregnant with my first child in November

2001

Spent a miserable, hot summer in a small apartment with no air-conditioning above a major, loud, and stinky Frankfurt intersection
In August, the suffering was all made worth while with the birth of my baby girl, Saskia
In December traveled back to see my family
Saw my grandfather for the very last time. I'm so grateful he was able to meet his first great-grandchild
Got stuck in the US because Saskia did not have a passport. That's right, customs let us in but wouldn't let her out. Thanks to the hard work of my local Republican senator I was able to get her an American passport and new, free tickets back to Germany. Never say the Republicans aren't good for anything. If you really want something done, they are the ones to ask.

2002

Spent the first half of the year as a SAHM. In July we moved to the town of Friedberg, a nice little town halfway between Frankfurt and Giessen. We were still living over a major intersection though.
Went back to work part-time, which required a 45 minute train commute each way. Saskia stayed with a lovely Spanish woman in a neighboring village on the three days a week I worked.

2003

Saskia moved to "Kinderhaus" which was a co-op childcare center
In the summer I got pregnant with my second daughter

2004

I spent the first half of 2004 traveling a lot; to Frankfurt for work and to Giessen to visit my midwife in her birthing center. There were a few instances of "passenger rage" on the trains and buses.... hey, pregnant women are exempt from putting up with assholes, it should really be a law.
Paul was sent to Antwerp, Belgium to work and only came home on the weekends. It sucked.
In May Fiona was induced at a nearby hospital. Little bugger didn't want to come out! Happily my mom was there when she was born. For that I am very thankful
Spent the rest of 2004 as a SAHM of one toddler and one baby. Didn't realize it but had major PPD and spent every day fantasizing about jumping out the window. Thankfully I got better once Paul came home and I wasn't a single parent anymore. Hey, I did say there may be low-lights in here, didn't I?
Oh yeah, in the fall of 2004 we moved again, to a tiny village called Assenheim. I loved, loved, loved that village. You could walk across the whole thing in 20 minutes. We lived next to a castle AND a church from the 15oo's. The building we lived in was owned by the Count (hence the castle) and dated back several centuries. There was a cemetery in our backyard. It was so cool! The Niddatal river flowed passed the castle and we crossed it over a lovely wooden bridge each day to bring Saskia to Kindergarten. I still miss that village.

2005

In the spring I traveled to visit my parents in Wenatchee, Wa with the girls. Saskia was 4 and Fiona was 7 months old
Paul was offered a job in the US and in August, we moved to Michigan
Nov. 11 Paul and I were married in the most pathetic wedding ceremony ever, in the county clerk's office in Detroit. Trust me, we'll do it better next time around (vow renewal in 2015?)

2006

Paul worked days for a GM-related logistics firm and I worked nights at Kroger. By far the worst job I ever had!
I applied for, and got accepted at Wayne State University in the Library and Information Sciences program
We traveled to Nebraska for a family reunion in the summer. I saw my favorite uncle for the last time
In the fall I started on my MLIS
In December GM bought out the company Paul worked for and laid off most of the staff, including him

2007

Paul was able to find a job with another logistics firm, thanks to contacts he made when working in Antwerp. Phew!
In the spring I started working as a library assistant at a technical college
In the summer we bought our first house, a beautiful but decrepit fixer-upper from 1929 in a great neighborhood
In the fall Saskia started first grade at her new school and was told she was not welcome in the current Girl Scout troop. So I started my own, along with two women who would become good friends over the years.

2008

I continued to work at my library assistant job part-time, attended school full time and co-lead Girl Scouts. There's not much more you can add to that!
In the fall I graduated with my masters and a focus in Information Sciences.
I also started a new, full-time job as a web developer. Go figure.
The girls did what growing girls do. Tried activities, made friends, learned and expanded their minds.
My parents visited from Wa, it was wonderful!

2009

I worked. Paul worked. The kids grew.
I moved to the leader position in my Girl Scout troop. I love each of my girls and am so thankful to have them in my life!
The kids became involved in a theater group and we found a new, comfortable home with great people and friends.
In August, we made our first trip "Up North", vacationing near Lake Michigan. Finally, I saw why people think Michigan is a pretty state. Living near Detroit all this time I had never seen much beauty.
Fiona was invited to join the pre-competitive gymnastics team.
Fiona was also diagnosed with a mental illness. Treatment and therapy have been working wonders in her behavior and happiness. After years of having a miserable child, my happy "Coyote" is back!
In October my dad came to visit and we had a great time. He helped around the house, with the cars and in general made my life a lot easier for 10 days. Thanks dad!

2010

I know, it hasn't happened yet! Just a taste of what is perhaps to come...
Winter: Paul and I are starting an Introduction to Judaism class at a nearby temple
Spring: My parents may come to visit
Summer: My step-daughter, Toni may come to visit from Germany
Fall: Saskia will start 4th grade, Fiona will start 1st. We will continue to be actively involved in Girl Scouts, theater and perhaps gymnastics.
Life goes on....

I've started a new blog!

2009-12-29T13:19:00.002-05:00

You are all falling over yourselves with excitement, aren't you? More like laughing yourselves silly thinking "new blog, she doesn't even post here!" Yeah, yeah, I'll try to do better I promise.

This one is more of a journal, so it's not terribly pretty or anything. I know, I make it sound so exciting, don't I? Without further ado, I present: The Search for Adonai . This is a blog about my religious journey. Read if you like, or if not that's okay too.

Recently overheard

2009-11-03T14:06:00.003-05:00

Fiona: Life is horrible!
Saskia: No it's not!
Fiona: Yes, it is, I spilled my milkshake on my shirt!
Saskia: Life is not horrible. You might be president some day!

My kids are the most interesting people I have ever met.

Rant On

2009-10-21T08:36:00.004-04:00

I was all set to write a witty and sarcastic post about drivers in the metro Detroit area when I got into work this morning. Then I opened my email. And I read the news. And suddenly writing jokes about aggressive drivers seemed really petty compared to all the woes facing my community and nation.

If you haven't heard, our dear Governor Granholm vetoed state funding of 39 school districts in Michigan. My children's district is among them. I have no idea how the district is going to deal with this loss, which amounts to around $100,000 per school. As a letter from the superintendent puts it this amount equals the entire transportation budget or nearly 100 teachers. Clearly, you can't cut teachers in the middle of the school year... but you can drop the art, music and sports programs. You can fire the few librarians and library aids left in the district. Our school is down to 2 custodians from about 7 two years ago, so I don't know how we can cut them but I'm sure someone will be going. It's just so frustrating! When will elected officials wake up to the fact that the ONLY way this country will ever be able to compete globally is to have better educated workers? Michigan in particular has never been strong on education, since for generations people could get high paying jobs in auto manufacturing without even a high school diploma. Those days are gone though. Our kids will not be competing against their uneducated neighbors for jobs, they'll be competing against men and women from India, China and Europe who have excellent higher educations. Jeez, my step-daughter is better educated as a senior in a German high school than most American's with a Bachelor's degree!

Of course, Jenny says that it's all the Republican's fault, since they won't raise taxes. She's right that taxes in Michigan must be raised as the deficit is staggering. Less gas and sales tax revenue means the budget is woefully underfunded. But she's mistaken in thinking her strong-arm tactic will have any effect on the Republican Senators she is trying to bully. They don't care if public schools are underfunded, all their kids go to private schools anyway! Education is for those who can afford it, all the rest can go work at Walmart when they're adults.

And then there's the nation. Health care. Deficit. Child abuse. Drunk driving. War. All these problems, so many seem insurmountable. Is it any wonder that the most viewed articles on Yahoo News are about "Dancing with the Stars" and "Balloon Boy"? Who wants to read all the depressing crap about things that never get any better? I really wonder if there is any hope for this country at all, or are we doomed to go down in flames.

Sorry for being so depressing and antagonistic this morning. Rant off.

Daddy's Girl

2009-10-08T12:34:00.002-04:00

Growing up, I was a mama's girl. I was prissy. I liked the things my mom liked, reading, sewing and not getting dirty. My sister on the other hand was a tom-boy and total daddy's girl. When I was in the kitchen helping my mom can preserves, my sister was out riding the tractor with my dad. As we morphed into teenagers, that pattern remained consistent, I went to mom for advice, she went to dad. I fought with dad, she fought with mom.

I don't know if I was a mama's girl growing up because I naturally shared my mom's interests, or by default because I didn't get along with my dad. I know when I was very small, I adored my daddy like all little girls do. But as I grew, adoration changed to fear. My dad was very critical. He was a perfectionist. He was demanding and loud and often in a bad mood. So many of my memories of my dad from when I was young were of him yelling at me or punishing me. Because of this, I grew away from my dad. By the time I was in high school I was an angry, bitter and messed-up teenager who thought I hated my dad. I thought he hated me, to be honest, and I was just returning the favor.

I put my parents through a lot of grief as a teen, and now as I look back I realize the one I hurt the most was my dad. Because under his cold exterior he loved me more deeply than probably anyone else on this earth ever has. Now as an adult, I can understand why he was the way he was when I was small. He grew up poor, with a verbally abusive mother. He served in Vietnam. He worked in an environment where he was hazed for years. Basically, he lived through and with a lot of awful things and he was trying to figure out how to deal with them while also being a provider, a mentor, a father. A son, a husband, an employee. A Christian, a servant, a human. Basically, he was just like everyone of us on this planet! But as a child, we don't see our parents as human. Father's aren't allowed to have problems. They aren't allowed to have their own traumas and ghosts to deal with. As a child, I held my father to such a high standard that their was no way he could avoid falling in my eyes. Why did I do that?

As an adult, I understand so much more than I did back then. I empathize with his struggles, his issues, and his way of dealing with life. I forgive him his mistakes, and I pray that he forgives me mine. I see all the good in him, I see the depth of his compassion, grace and love and know that I am blessed to have such a wonderful father. As an adult, I have become a daddy's girl.

Margo Timmins Rocks My Soul

2009-10-06T09:00:00.003-04:00

First of all, if you don't know who Margo Timmins is, you should be ashamed. Bad internets! Margo Timmins happens to be the fabulously talented lead singer of the Cowboy Junkies. And I got to see her and her awesome band last night in concert with my awesome daughter, Saskia.

From the top...

The concert was held at an adorable little folk music theater called The Ark. When I say little, I mean it. I bet they only fit a few hundred people in there. It was a sold out show and they had clearly shoved extra chairs in every aisle. Still, it was cozy, homey and a great atmosphere. Saskia and I got really good seats in one wing, she could see the stage fine which was my main goal.

The opening act was a bit over the top for Saskia. It was a band called Lee Harvey Osmond. Honestly I thought the music was great, I really liked it, it was just a bit dark and sad for Saskia. She actually cried during the first song. Said, "I feel sad and I don't know why." After the first song the beat picked up and she started to enjoy the music better... but neither of us enjoyed the lead singers stories about the first time he did LSD or how he threw away all his money on booze and women. But eh, I take her to a grown up show, I gotta expect she may see and hear some things I'd rather she didn't. We'll consider it a learning experience. Later I can tell her, "don't do acid or you'll end up like that scary guy at the Cowboy Junkies concert.". So it all works out.

When the Cowboy Junkies came on I was blown away. You know how most bands sound better on their albums, because of all the digital stuff they do to enhance the music and vocals? Well the Cowboy Junkies sound better in person. Margo's voice is so unbelievably pure and strong and beautiful. And the band is phenomenal, the guitar players in particular created sounds that I can't even begin to describe. Pure, haunting beauty. About half way into the concert I just closed my eyes and listened to the wave of sound washing over me. It's the kind of music that can transport you to another place and time. It's the kind of music that can elicit a spiritual rapture.

Before the end of the night Saskia became tired, and as we had an empty seat next to us I was able to move and let her lie across the seats and rest her head in my lap. I sat there in the dark theater, stroking my eight year old's hair and letting myself be absorbed by the haunting music, while also remembering those many nights I sat in a dark room, rocking my babies and singing them Cowboy Junkies songs. "Misguided Angel", "Cause Cheep is How I Feel", "Crescent Moon", "Ring on the Sill", "Sun Comes up, it's Tuesday Morning".... I sang these songs and more, hour after hour, night after night, nursing and rocking and just being with my babies. They still request that I sing them "The Mama Song" (i.e. Misguided Angel) on a regular basis. As I sat there holding my girl, remembering holding my baby, I felt the thread of our lives from that moment to this. I saw it stretching off into the future. I saw that no matter what, my girls will always be my babies and we will always be bound together with a thread as strong as it is invisible. That bond is love, and song is how I often choose to express that love.

I am grateful that I was able to have this experience with my daughter. It was a magical night, and I will never forget it.

Without a church home

2009-09-30T11:27:00.002-04:00

As some of you know, I've left my church. I guess it really never was my church to begin with actually. I never did become a member, for personal reasons which are completely rational to me, but which seem to not be accepted by the church staff as valid. Anyway, if I wasn't a member? Was it even my church? I attended off and on, sometimes frequently and sometimes not, for over three years. I taught there, I organized events there, I gave money there. I prayed there and grew there and found friends there. So yeah, I think it was mine. Now it's gone.

I won't go into all the specifics of why I left here. What it boils down to is I was unhappy. I've always enjoyed the services but nearly everything outside of those 60 minutes was frustrating. Perhaps it's just that my personality doesn't fit with that of a UU congregation. Because even though I know I am UU when I read the tenants, I can't get comfortable in that space. I have a controlling nature, I am organized, I expect certain behaviors from certain people and I am disappointed when those around me are dismissive of those things. I have spent too much time ranting to my husband about things I've witness that I disagree with, too much time crying my eyes out because I was so frustrated at the lack of responsiveness, and sometimes responsibility from staff. After my last nervous breakdown, which was precipitated by many other things but initiated by extreme distress caused by communication (and lack there of) with a particular staff member at church I knew it wasn't healthy for me to continue putting myself through the stress that place causes me. Still, it took one final outrageous act to push me into making it official.

I also won't go into the responses I've received from staff, other than to say they were hurtful. But in fairness I was hurtful too so it's just a big ole ball of hurt feelings all around. The story of my life it seems.

I will say that I am really, really sad right now. I feel a bit lost. I simply cannot seem to find the right place to meet my spiritual needs. I fear it doesn't exist, at least not in this place and time. I'm at a point in my life where spirit is the most important thing I need to find and work on, but I have no path to follow or support while I walk it.

I worry about publishing this, I don't want to be seen as a troublemaker by those church members who read my blog. But it is MY blog, it's my space to work out what I am going through, and as my friend Cristina so eloquently shows me in each of her blog posts that is okay.

6 years ago today... make that 8...

2009-09-11T10:51:00.003-04:00

Because I'm too lame to rewrite my September 11th post I'm going to republish this one from two years ago. I pretty much feel the same way now.

I was living in Frankfurt, Germany. My first baby was only 3 weeks old, and I was trying to adjust to motherhood. Honestly it wasn't that hard, as this fierce, overwhelming love, more intense than anything I had ever felt before, was carrying me through. It was afternoon in Germany when my husband called home to say that 2 airplanes had crashed into the Twin Towers. I thought he was mistaken, there was no way such a thing could happen. Maybe one small plane, but two? I rushed to turn on the TV, my baby in my arms, then sank to the couch in shock.

I spent the next several hours on that couch, switching back and forth between CNN and BBC, trying to learn, trying to understand what happened. It was only 6 am on the West Coast where my family lived, but I called and woke them up; "turn on the TV" I told my sleepy mother. We cried together on the phone.

The thoughts I remember from that day are those of a new mother who only wishes for her child to have a safe world to grow up in. I grieved for those lost, and the ones who lost them. I was angered that anyone could have such a callous disregard for life. I was also scared. Scared because Bush was in office. Scared that his reaction would lead to another World War. Scared because my home was just minutes away from one of the financial centers of Europe, and if an attack were to come to Germany we could be in danger. Scared because I was an American on foreign soil. Scared because I didn't want my baby to grow up in a world where strangers would kill strangers over ideology...

Now, 6 years later I look back to find that only some of my fears came to pass. But I think the potential for world-wide disaster is still near. For me, today is a day to remember the innocent people who lost their lives, and it is also a day to remember that it is fear, hatred, and zelotism which caused those losses. It may sound idealistic, it may sound naive, but wouldn't the best way to honor the victims of terrorism be to find world peace?

Back to school

2009-09-08T09:54:00.002-04:00

Today was the girl's first day of school. It was exciting, and heart-rendering. Saskia started third grade, and I cannot get over that fact. THIRD GRADE! That seems so old somehow. As I waited with her in line, we scoped out her classmates. Unfortunately, NOT ONE of he friends from last year got into her class. I'm really pretty pissed about it. I know the teachers sort out the 'difficult' kids first, seperating those who can't get along, or who get along too well and spend all their time chattering, then making sure the shy, scared or whatever kids get together with one of their friends. I'm sure they also look at things like academic talent, social skills or whatever. Then the last few kids get sprinkled in wherever they'll fit. I think Saskia was one of those last few. She never made trouble in class, was her teacher's favorite. Was kind and friendly and supportive of all her classmates. In other words, she was too good to make it onto anyone's radar when assigning classrooms. The consequence is that she got forgotten. It bites.

Fiona started Kindergarten and at least that went better. The KG classrooms at their school are awesome and giant... thankfully because there are 28 kids in her class. Let me repeat that. TWENTY-EIGHT. Kindergarteners. God help that poor teacher.

All in all, I'm happy to see them having new experiences and learning new things, but I'm very, very sad to see them growing up. There is something about the first day of school that makes me feel like such a terrible mother. After they walk through the doors I start thinking of all the things I've done wrong as a mom. I become convinced I'm the most horrible mother in the world. I second guess and question every move I made that morning, "should I have stayed with her another minute?" "did I tell her I love her?" "did I tell her I love her enough?" Again, it bites.

If the kittens were children...

2009-09-06T11:04:00.006-04:00

they'd be in their "terrible twos" phase. Damage today:

one Barbie mauled to death (as Fiona put it, it looks like she was attacked by a shark!)
two very large puncture wounds to my inside thigh attained when one kitten decided to jump two feet into the air to try and get the pull string dangling from my sweat pants.
two dining room chairs tipped over during their "Wrestle-mania" episode
one dishwasher climbed into
one balloon popped
one older cat terrorized

and it's only 11am. God help us.

8 years old, part 3, The Sleepover part 2

2009-09-01T15:07:00.002-04:00

Alternatively titled: "Never host a sleepover if you own three cats" or "Allergies are Us"

So where did I leave off? Oh yes, the girls were ~~peacefully~~ watching a movie and I was taking a much needed break. Then suddenly it was 9:45 and we were expecting one girl to be picked up around 10:30 and we hadn't done the make-up bags/make-overs/fashion show yet, so I paused the movie and herded the girls back to the table. The decorating went well, we used stick on jewels to bling up some Dollar Store plastic make-up bags and I distributed little kits of comb/mirror/brush, headbands and hair-clips so the girls could start doing each other's hair.

The first thing that happens is that Saskia manages to hopelessly tangle her cheep-o brush in her friend's curly hair. I'm desperately trying to remove it when her mom arrives. Of course, this is the girl who needs to go home early. Several minutes later, still trying to untangle it, I hear crying and look over to see that one girl's face is completely red, like strawberry red. Since we haven't gotten into the make-up yet I make a leap to cat allergies. We do have three, and all the girls had been ~~molesting~~ loving on the kittens all night. I called her mom who says she has a sensitivity, but she goes to her gamma's house where there is a cat and has never shown a true allergy. Well unfortunately, there is a big difference between being in the same space as one elderly cat and repeatedly hugging and kissing and carrying two kittens. Even more unfortunately, neither her mom nor I had any allergy meds that would help her, and the girl was so miserable she decided to go home, which I fully understand but was still sad for all of us.

So here I am, one girl with a brush trapped in her hair and her mom ready to go, one with a swollen pink face, and now a third runs off and starts to cry hysterically because her best friend has to leave. Lovely! I'm feeling oh-so-very stressed out but I get girl #1's hair free and send her on her way, get a cold washcloth for girl #2's face, and start a game of Uno with all the remaining girl's to try and distract girl #3. Shortly there after, girl #2 goes home and the drama starts again...

Girl #3 wants to go home. She says she can't make it, so she calls mom. Mom says she needs to stay. So I'm doing my happy dance and trying everything goofy I can think of to cheer her up when suddenly Saskia disappears. For a loooong time. Guess what, she's sick! Yay! Luckily, she didn't puke... just the other. But she felt like puking and told girl #3 that she might puke in bed which made girl #3 not want to stay again... At this point I decide I am done and we are ALL GOING TO BED RIGHT NOW. Keep in mind it's only about 11:00 (all that drama in one hour?!)

Because of the various dramas, the girls want me to sleep in their room with them. So I got my sleeping bag and hunkered down with them. To keep girl #3, who is still crying, distracted I read them "The Princess and the Pea". I think this is probably the only sleepover in history which ended with mommy taking everyone nigh-night and reading them a fairy tale, but whatever works, right?

Thankfully, the girls fell asleep quickly as I laid there as still as a stone and chanted "Please don't let anyone wake up, please don't let anyone wake up, please don't let anyone wake up" in my head. I slept AWFUL, but the girls all made it through the night great, thank goodness. In the morning the girls finally got to do their make-overs while I made dairy-free chocolate muffins for breakfast. Then after breakfast we all sat around and chatted about school, bullies, teachers and honesty, which was the BEST part of the experience for me. It's great to know that these girls trust me (FYI- they're all in my troop, so I know them all pretty well), yet at the same time it's scary to know that I have the responsibility of both protecting their trust and advocating on their behalf when they need help.

The last girl went home at 11:00, at which time I had a shower, then went to back to bed until 2:30pm. The End.

8 years old part 2, The Sleepover

2009-08-29T21:02:00.003-04:00

The day has come for the much ~~dreaded~~ anticipated sleepover party. The girls and I spent the day running errands, shopping, baking and cleaning. Paul also did his fair share of grocery shopping and cleaning. By 5:00 pm the house was shiny clean, the decorations were hung, the crafts were prepared and the cupcakes were baked. As the guests started to arrive, they immediately went into hyper drive. Something I always forget (until the next party that is) is how very LOUD pre-pre-teen girls can be. There is probably a scientific formula which explains it, my guess is something like (girl + girl) * (volume)4

Once the last girl had arrived I set up an assembly line for them to make their own pizzas, which they found far more hilarious than pizza making normally is. I won't repeat the conversations I overheard during making, baking and eating those pizzas but lets just say I have at least 40 new gray hairs on my head.

Following pizza was more running/screaming/jumping/screaming/chasing kittens/screaming. At one point I heard sirens and was sure that the police and fire department were on their way to rescue the poor children being murdered in my backyard, but thankfully they had somewhere else to go. In deference to my poor ears, we quickly proceeded to the friendship bracelet making. This went fairly well, although it took far longer than I expected and I had to provide a LOT more help than I had expected. Whatever, it was fun, except for Fiona's minor breakdown because "everyone else is finished before me!"

Next came cupcakes (thanks Sharon for the awesome vegan recipe!) and presents. Saskia got three Webkinz. Which of course produced another Fiona breakdown because, "Saskia has more Webkinz than me and hers are cuter and I want one!". Note to self, if I am ever ~~crazy~~ brave enough to host a sleep-over party again MAKE FIONA TAKE A NAP BEFORE THE PARTY.

After presents I made popcorn ON THE STOVE! (note, I did not think this was remotely possible) and marshmallow goo to make popcorn balls. 3 of the girls helped me form the balls (note 2, butter lotion is VERY funny when you are 8) and all of them chowed down. As and aside, my grandma used to make popcorn balls whenever we went to visit her and I lurved them. Now, not so much. But the memory was a good one.

Now the girls are settled down watching "Hotel for Dogs". Well, 4 of them are, 2 of them are rampaging through the bedrooms upstairs but I'm too tired to go see what kind of mayhem they are causing. When the movie is over, we still have make-up bags to decorate and make-overs to do on each other, as well as a pajama fashion show to host. Should be fun, if I don't collapse. Thank God for beer... root beer that is. I'm on my third. SUGAR!!!!

Part 3 of the birthday saga to continue if after I survive the night.

8 years old, part 1

2009-08-21T13:23:00.002-04:00

Saskia turned eight this week. Because most of her friends are out of town right now, her party has been scheduled for next weekend. Consequently her actual birthday was pretty low-key.

She started the day by waking us all at 7:30am. This is a kid who will happily sleep until 10 or 11 if we let her. So we all trudged downstairs at this horrific hour to watch her tear into her presents. She got:

An American Girl Doll (Rebecca)
Books
Earrings
A Taylor Swift CD
Clothes
A Jonas Brother's Backpack and Lunch bag
Clothes for her doll
A gift card to Rhapsody to buy music for her MP3 player
A kitten named Zack

The kitten and the doll were the big hits of the day, while the books, clothes and school supplies didn't even register except as mild disappointments (I'm sure she was thinking, "cheep ass mom, I would have gotten these anyway for school, why did you give them to me as presents?!"). The fact of the matter was, after plopping down a shit-load of money on her doll and the kitten, I wasn't prepared to buy much more that wasn't going to serve a dual purpose. Sorry hun, you should have been born in May if you didn't want to get clothes for your birthday...

After opening presents she and I went out to IHOP for breakfast. She'd been looking forward to the free ice cream since her sister went there on her birthday. Sure enough, by 8:30 am the staff was coming out singing and presenting her with a huge sunday, which she gobbled down appropriately.

The rest of the day was spent playing with her new stuff and generally lounging about unproductively. Oh, I forgot to mention that Fiona presented Saskia with a trip to Build a Bear (which mommy paid for of course) as a present. We went on Saturday and of course I ended up buying both girls a bear and outfit... for a total of $60! Damn, I had no idea that BaB was so friggin expensive! Guess there was a good reason why we never went there before. Anywho, now-a-days BaB has it's own website where you can register and play with your bears (someone feeling the Webkinz heat?) so Saskia spent a lot of time on there as well.

We didn't get around to actually having cake until about 9pm. Since Fiona is now on a dairy free diet we made two cakes, and can I say my dairy free cake kicked serious ass. It was awesome. From now on that will be the only cake I make.

All in all, it was a decent day, although I felt very guilty for not spending more time with the birthday girl or doing something special for her. Hopefully I can make that up when I have her friends over for their very first sleep-over party!, and all the fun stuff that goes with that.

Award

2009-07-08T11:10:00.003-04:00

My friends Alicia and Jess both gave me this award and in turn I am supposed to write ten honest things about myself. I'll try to be original and come up with something that ya'll don't already know....

1) I'm pretty strict, I like rules, and it really, really bothers me when I have to deal with kids from families who don't agree with my need for rules. Because of this I have a hard time understanding, accepting or even liking some kids.

2) I'm pretty sure I have OCD.

3) I hate, hate, hate being late, or when other people are late, or when things start late. This is a bad thing for someone who is surrounded by people and groups who are very lax about punctuality.

4) I'm mean and angry a lot more often than I'd like to be.

5) I wish I could afford to only work part time, or be a SAHM.

6) I'm becoming more conservative as I get older, although I don't think I'll ever go so far right as to become a Republican :D

7) I consider converting to Christianity fairly often, even though I don't believe in the core belief that Jesus is the son of God. However I feel there is a lot that a Christian church can offer in the way of moral teaching that my kids sadly don't get through our UU church, even though I think that UUs are more innately moral than most Christians. Why is that we don't bother teaching our kids those morals?

8) I am very grateful that I have girl children; I am pretty intolerant of boy's behavior.

9) There's a part of me that is really drawn to the "country" life-style: cowboy boots and hats, music, horses, ranches, farming, square dances. But I probably would be miserable if I ever tried to adopt the life as the viewpoints on most everything is so radically different from mine.

10) I have a daddy complex, I think my dad is perfect and no man, including my husband, will probably ever be able to live up to him. Sorry honey. If it's any consolation, you are a very, very close second.

Whew, that's it. I probably offended half the people who read my blog with this post, sorry. Honesty can be brutal. Now I'm supposed to tag some people to follow up:

Sarah
Linda

You're it!

Happy birthday to me

2009-07-02T19:49:00.003-04:00

Today is my birthday. I am a whole 33 years old, whoo-hoo. Not. Not that I have anything against 33, it's not any different from 32, to tell ya the truth, it's just that whole, I'm getting older and life doesn't even have the courtesy to notice kinda thing that gets me a little down.

I took today off and honestly, it was quite nice. Okay, so techinically I was off, in reality I was troubleshooting web problems. But it did feel kinda nice to have the boss call me on my day off to fix something, showed me that I do actually have some skillz. Nevermind that everyone else he woulda normally called first was also on vacation. I HAVE SKILLZ.

I also spent the morning babysitting for a friend's kids. They were awesome, so sweet and well behaved and they kept Fiona occupied. Despite how it sounds (work and babysitting?!) it was a wonderful morning. Around noon my friend came by and we hung out chatting, something we hardly ever get the chance to do anymore. At 1:30 she headed home and Fiona and I took a N.A.P. Also heavenly. Then at 3:00 we took off to pick up Saskia from camp.

It was great to have Saskia come home, she matured so much in the five days she was gone! It's amazing to me, the changes are subtle, but she is definitely more "grown up" now. She went away a little girl and came back... not a woman, and not a teen... but someone more in charge of herself and more independant. It's pretty damn cool.

This evening Paul cooked me a yummy curry dinner before needing to head out to a meeting. And just now, I served myself a cake (with two candles, is that sad?) and forced the girls to sing happy birthday to me. Yeah, I can be kindof pathetic at times. Then I called my granny, who happens to also have her birthday today. She turned 97! Whoo-hoo, happy birthday grandma!

So now the question is, what next? In some ways I can feel each birthday pushing me further towards the grave. I weigh more than I ever have in my entire life (next time I go into the doctor's office I'm beating that scale to pieces), and I'm pretty darn unhealthy. I am tired, boring and sometimes mean. But I'm also:

in love with my family and children, happy with my career, pursuing interests and hobbies that make me feel fullfilled, and trying to learn new things. So maybe 33 isn't so bad, after all...

Birthday Update

2009-05-19T14:39:00.002-04:00

Fiona and I had a great time on her birthday. I had to start the day with a presentation for work, but was able to take off after that. Fiona got to open one present in the morning with papa and sister; I got her a "Friendly Fionna" doll from Troop Groovy Girls. She adored it and has been hauling it everywhere with her ever since.

Fiona took cupcakes to school which was a big hit, and since it was the annual trike-a-thon on her birthday she also took her bike with her and got to ride around with her friends before I picked her up. I picked her up at 11:00 and took her out to her requested restaurant for lunch; IHOP. She was wearing her birthday crown from school, so she got a lot of attention in the restaurant. Some lady even sent over a dollar to her via the waitress. It was sweet. Then at the end the whole staff came out and asked everyone in the place to give her a round of applause. They sang for her and gave her an ice cream Sunday. She was kind-of freaked out by the attention, but she enjoyed the treat.

After IHOP we went home and I rested on the bed and she played with her new doll for a while. I had asked her what she wanted to do: go to a movie, go rollerskating, bowling... she picked the park. So in the afternoon we headed out on her bike to the local park. She met two girls her age there and they played an hour. It was really nice, and made me REALLY miss the freedom of a stay-at-home mom to just do fun stuff in the middle of the day if we want to...

Paul came home around 5:00 and Fiona tore into her presents. She wanted pizza for dinner (urgh, so much greasy food in one day!) and afterwords we had the pink cake that Paul had baked at her request. It was Yummy! The rest of the evening Fiona and Saskia played with her new toys. It was a great day.

Fiona's party was on Sunday. It was an underwater theme and I spent far too many hours cutting out sharks, fish, seashells, crabs etc and pasting them to the walls with green seaweed streamers and blue wave streamers. I don't think the kids even noticed them. I also made a couple of games and set up a craft for when the kids got there and Paul made an awesome cake. We got those chocolate molds that you see at the holiday's in aquatic shapes and made fish, starfish, turtles etc out of green, white and orange chocolate. (Pictures will eventually be published).

Fiona invited 8 kids from preschool and all but one showed up. It was cool, the kids were really well behaved! I wish my Girl Scouts could listen that attentively. The craft and games were a big hit but as usual I WAY overestimated the time it would take them to do them so we ended up with about an hour to kill. This started off okay as free play but quickly degenerated as fights broke out over the toys. When I couldn't take it any more we went outside to play "sharks and fishes" (aka tag) but that quickly was ended when Fiona wiped out on the cement driveway. At least it wasn't someone else' kid. Mostly I was desperately trying to keep them off our playset as I didn't want some parent suing me if their kid fell off but I was a miserable failure. Luckily, no one got hurt so it all worked out in the end. I have to say, I love birthday parties and I think I'm pretty good at throwing them, but they wipe me out! I'm glad they only come once (we'll twice, two kids) a year.

Dear Harvey (a.k.a. "mousekiller")

2009-05-08T18:11:00.002-04:00

Dear Harvey,

I'm writing to say thank-you for your vigillant, and sometimes vigilante-like, defense of our house from mice. I've been quite impressed with all the evidence of your prowess you've been leaving for us lately, four mice in one week, wow! You really are a cat god. No matter that they were all babies. I would however like to make one small request. In the future, could you please refrain from leaving your offerings on the doorstep? It is not pleasant to leave for work in the early hours of dawn (your bedtime) to step out onto a freshly killed mouse in my high heels. The driveway is also not an acceptable alternative, as squished-by-car dead mice are exceedingly hard to get rid of, and I did not appreciate how I had to scrape your latest kill up in pieces. Call me squeemish, but mice guts turn my stomach for some odd reason. I would greatly appreciate it if you could politely dispose of your kills in the rubish, or better yet, on that annoying neighbor's front step. You know, the one who we caught throwing dog poop over the fence into our yard last weekend. I'm sure they would appreciate your cunning and skill in trapping wee little baby mice.

Thanks again,
Your grateful owner

Fiona's birthday and other news

2009-05-04T11:21:00.002-04:00

I think we'll go with a bullet list today:

Fiona's birthday is coming up in a little over a week. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with a good theme that 1) is appropriate for girls AND boys 2) we haven't done before (last year was circus) and 3) is something Fiona is actually into. Last night the girls were helping me brainstorm and somehow we came up with an underwater theme. Yes! Fiona's really into the ocean, sharks, jellyfish, boats and all that good stuff (thank you Spongebob) so this will be great for her. And we've already come up with a ton of good ideas. We're going with a blue and green color scheme. The living and dining rooms will be decorated with streamers to look like seaweed going up the walls, with lots of fish, crabs, and jellyfish pasted to the walls. When the kids arrive, they will make "seascape" pictures. We will use these for a fishing game by dumping fish on top of the pictures and having the kids fish them into their goodie bags. Then the pictures will be taped to one wall, together, to form the seascape. Next we'll do a craft, either building boats or perhaps a sea creature mobile. Then we'll play "stinging jellyfish" (aka "hot potato") and learn the "Fishies in the water" song and swim around the living room for a while. Next come cake and presents, and we'll finish it off by moving outside for the "shark and fish" game (aka tag). It should be a blast, I'm so excited!

The Girl Scout year is coming to an end, and we're planning our closing ceremony for two weeks from now. I'm wrapping up financials and reports and getting ready for our camping trip the first weekend of June and our summer party at the end of June. One of the co-leaders is stepping down for next year (although she still plans to help out where she can) and I'm stepping up the the leader position. I'm very excited as I've already got a lot of great ideas for next year.

The girls are doing really well in the theater troop they joined. They are preparing for a "Series of One Acts" play for the end of June. They will be doing a scene from Annie, Jack and the Beanstock, Rapunzel, and a shortened version of The Wizard of Oz. Saskia will be playing Molly in Annie and the giant's wife in Jack and the Beanstock. Fiona is an orphan in Annie and the cow in Jack (she's going to be SO cute). They will both be munchkins in the Wizard of Oz. It should be a great show! Saskia is doing really well and has memorized all her lines. She's definitely got a future in theater!

I've been spending most of my time on the weekend working outside. Our yard has SO much work that needs to be done. We've dug up the front lawn and reseeded it and the grass has started to grow. I've also cleared a lot of lily of the valley and ivy from various flower beds. Next weekend I hope to have the bed running along the driveway, next to the house, totally cleared out and replaced with river stones. I love seeing progress being made, but I sometimes wish it was going faster (and that it made my back, shoulders, legs and hands hurt less!)

I'll be going to see Blue October in concert with a friend on May 16th, woo-hoo!

That's all for now. Take care everyone!

Concerts and kids

2009-04-23T15:43:00.007-04:00

As most of you already know, my two daughters and I attend an Indigo Girls concert last night. It was a unique experience. I don't regret having done it, but I know now that four is too young for a formal concert experience. Boredom or tantrums I could've handled better than the emotionally distraught and disappointed. But first things first...

The concert was set to start at 7:30. Being a very anxious person (an anxiety which I unfortunately seem to have passed onto my youngest to a high degree) I was worried about parking, lines, etc, so we left the house at 5:30. It was an easy 30 minute drive to the town where the concert was held, and we found parking right away in the garage next to the theater. With 90 minutes now to kill, we decided to look around town. This was easy, since we were smack downtown with a Borders across from the theater and a Biggby Coffee next to it. We spent 30 minutes in Borders and each of the girls got a new book. This turned out to be a great decision, as Fiona's book came with one of those cheep magnetic drawing boards and this kept her entertained while waiting for the Indigo Girls to go on.

After Borders we went over to check out the theater. There was no line at all, so we went to Biggby's for hot chocolate for the girls and a much needed cappuccino for me. It was much needed mostly because the girls were practically having panic attacks as they were so worried about being late for the concert. My reasurances that we had an hour to wait fell on deaf ears though, so we ended up going into the theater and finding our seats a little before 7. The girls were still being really good, if anxious, and sat playing with and reading their new books.

We were in the fifth row from the front, great seats. We were also right in front of the speakers, good thing I had ear plugs for everyone! Actually, a really nice bouncer offered to give us all ear plugs, but prepared mama didn't need 'em.

Waiting for the opening act Fiona got more and more wound up, until she was in a frenzy of impatience. Thankfully the show started on time, and the opening act was nice, but Fiona wasn't into it at all. So we abandoned our seats after a few songs to go and get snacks and drinks. I should mention, at this point the theater was less than half full. I couldn't figure out where all the people were, as clearly the seats were sold... that is until we walked into the lobby. It was packed, you could barely move. See, there was a BAR in the lobby. Everyone was getting toasted, and it was not a cool vibe with kids. About half the women had that "mom" air about them, and smiled kindly at us. The other half looked at the kids as if they were dirt on their shoes. That sounds harsh, but it was a pretty clear attitude from a large number of people we encountered as we wound our way to the kiosk.

Another thing I'll throw out here, several people came up and asked me at various times how old the girls were, did I think they could handle it, wouldn't it be too loud for them, etc. Honestly I was surprised by the negativity. My memories of Indigo Girl's concerts on the West Coast in my twenties were of lots of happy, smily, girl power types. I don't know if it's a Michigan thing, or if it's just that we've all aged and the fans that were hippies back in the day (a whole 12 years ago!) are hardened now, but the vibe was not the same.

So, back to the story line, the girls and I got our snacks and headed back to our seats. Of course, right then the opening act ended, and we had to sit for 20 or 30 mintues waiting for the Indigo Girls to come on. At this point Fiona had enough of waiting and was starting to get vocal about it. Don't get me wrong, she was still doing fantastic for a kid who'd been waiting for something for 3 hours and was now at her bed time. Finally they came on and started playing songs off their new album. Uh oh. This is where the disappointment comes in. More like total heart break. Fiona started sobbing uncontrallably because they weren't singing anything she knew. Even when they played older songs, they weren't her songs. She was crying so hard she was shaking, it was awful. Consequently I didn't get to pay much attention to the show. Saskia at this point was polite, but also I think disappointed that she didn't recognize the songs. Still, she was interested and enjoying herself. But Fiona... after 6 or 8 songs, I'm not sure, I took her to the bathroom to calm down. Thank goodness, as we came back in they started playing her all-time favorite song, "Get Out the Map." She grooved to that, but started crying again when the next song was unfamiliar. At this point I pulled out my secret weapon, a massive bag of M&M's. Unfortunatley she just kept sobbing as she ate.

I guess we were at least half way through the show at this point, maybe more. This drunk guy kept screaming at them to play "Chickenman", so they did and Emily went into this really long, really awesome jam seassion on her guitar. It was so great. Everyone was standing at this point, so I went out into the aisle and started dancing with Fiona in my arms. Finally, she stopped crying. After the song the nice bouncer made everyone else go back to their seats, except us. He asked if I was okay and said we could stay there as long as we liked. The guy must have kids.

So that's how we watched the rest of the show. Me standing in the aisle, rocking Fiona. Towards the end they played two of our other favorites, "Shame on You" and "Closer to Fine" and Saskia got up and the three of us danced in the aisle. It was great, and just the experience I had been hoping for with them!

We took off after "Closer to Fine", it was 10:30, the show was clearly winding down and we were all exhausted. Driving home was awful, I was so spent emotionally and physically that I wasn't sure if I could get us home. In fact, a couple of times I seriously considered pulling over and calling my husband to come get us. Somehow we made it home.

To wrap it up, if you've made it this far... I don't regret taking the girls. Yes, Fiona was too young. I feel bad that the experience ended up being painful for her in some ways. I feel bad that Saskia got nothing from me during the concert, no girl bonding, because I was so focused on Fiona. But if we hadn't have gone, who knows? I've regretted not doing too many things in my life to have passed up on this opportunity. Hopefully it will come again, when they are older (and know more songs!) but if not we will always have their first concert, with me and a band that has been very influential on me. I suspect this entry reads as being very negative, but really it wasn't. I cherish this experience and I think that both the girls and I will look back on it fondly in years to come.

The horror

2009-04-02T20:11:00.003-04:00

Today we received a package from my parents. It contained Easter presents for the girls, and a variety of memorabilia from my junior and high school years, including five separate yearbooks.

Oh my. I knew things were bad, but I didn't realize HOW bad. I found the most horrific sayings scribbled across those pages; words which I didn't think a seventh grader in the mid-1980's should have known. I found pictures labeled with, "jerk", "b****", and much, much worse. As I glanced through the photos, names jumped out at me.

The girl who pinched my ankles and called me a whore in fifth grade.

The boy who grabbed my rear and made me scream all through junior high.

The kids who taunted me, teased me, made fun of me and insulted me.

The friend who's heart I broke, by dumping her for another crowd in high school.

My best friend, the girl who stuck with me through thick and thin.

The chauvinistic, abusive teachers.

The teachers who made me think, who made me learn.

In the end, I suppose I gained a few good things, but the vast majority of my school experience from age 9 on was one of exclusion, bullying and sadness. Viewing those yearbooks brought it all back, and it wasn't a good thing. It made me realize, that no matter how hard life may get as an adult, it has NOTHING on the horrors of middle and high school. Yet, at the same time, it gave me hope. Because many of those pictures labeled with anger... I can't even remember who the hell those people are! So as much as I may have hated them 18 years ago, I can't even remember them now, and that gives me hope. Hope that our worst experiences are over-comable, and that in the end we can define for ourselves who we are.

A memory

2009-03-22T12:10:00.002-04:00

In church today the sermon was on the "Divine Feminine". This stirred up a memory of mine which I'd like to share:

When I was 15 or so I was very involved in my then Methodist church. I attended Bible study every week, was on the Youth Council and participated in all the youth group events. That summer I went to Church Camp, and that, funny enough is where the event occurred which precipitated my move away from Christian belief.

We were participating in a guided meditation in which we were supposed to imagine ourselves in a beautiful place. Mine was a gorgeous old-growth forest (think the mountains of western Oregon or Washington) beside a stream. I can still see the image today, and it was my idea of heaven on Earth. In this meditation we were supposed to imagine a conversation with Jesus. But he never showed up for me, instead this beautiful woman appeared. She was God. I don't remember what we talked about, but I did come away from the meditation with an understanding that the Divine was far more than my narrow Christian upbringing had led me to believe. It also became clear to me that while Jesus' teachings were to be respected, he was not the conduit to (nor the Son of) God.

That night we had a bonfire and I remember standing under these beautiful pine trees in the mountains with a gorgeous, starry sky above me and feeling so very connected to the universe and this new, unfettered version God that I had just met. It was an amazing moment.

Later, back home I continued to take part in my church activities but I refused to worship or pray to Jesus. I wanted a direct connection to the Divine. I also began to explore information about the Divine Feminine, or Goddess. These heresies were a source of consternation to many of the older members of the congregation and I was removed from the Youth Council. Then I stopped attending church altogether. I began a period of intense longing for an alternative religion. (This is also the time I first attended a UU church, but I moved shortly after to Missouri where there was no congregation) I explored Wicca for a few years, but without the support of a religious community I eventually moved away from having any spiritual practice at all.

Looking back now, I know that this period of exploration, and most importantly this understanding that I gained during that meditation has shaped much of what I believe about God, the Divine and spirituality. Today in the sermon, our Reverend challenged us to think about what shapes our image of the Divine. For me, the Divine is sexless, genderless, and neutral. It is also all encompassing, ever present and at its core is a boundless love.

Children can be so observant

2009-03-15T11:04:00.003-04:00

Fiona's sitting at the table, having breakfast with me when she points to a picture of me holding Saskia as a baby. She says "see that picture mama? You look so happy in it." I say "yes". She says, "you aren't usually happy" I mutter something... she says, "can you try to be happy like that sometimes?" I say "yes". She says "good, because your smile in that picture is so pretty" and goes on her way.

You know, I've always thought that saying "when mom isn't happy, nobody's happy" was kind-of BS. Sometimes mom has to do things that don't make her happy, but are necessary to keep her family together and give them a stable home. And when mom is so busy making sure everything keeps functioning how is she supposed to do anything to make herself happy? I honestly don't even know what could make me happy, I just don't think it's possible. But it makes me even more sad to know that my inability to be happy is such a sorce of concern for my child. A four year old shouldn't have to worry about her mom, it should be the other way around. Maybe there's some truth in that saying afterall, but I'll be damned if I know how to make it happen.

Retail and music therapy combined!

2009-02-27T22:38:00.003-05:00

I could bore you with tales of all the stress I'm under, the emotional rollercoaster I've been on and the number of people who've ticked me off lately. But instead I'll just tell you about my latest bout of retail therapy: I just bought tickets for me and my two girls to see the Indigo Girls in concert! Ever since Saskia was a baby, I have dreamed of being that cool mom that takes her kids to an Indigo Girls concert. I've seen them live three times, and each time was an amazing, energetic experience. To be honest, the idea of taking an almost five year old and seven year old to a concert where they are expected to sit for many hours is daunting, but the recent death of my Aunt is reminding me that we never know when a postponed opportunity is our last opportunity to do something. Every time I've skipped something I really want to do for reasons of money, inconvinence or whatever I've really regreted it. So this time I'm taking the chance, and taking my girls to see one of my favorite bands ever perform live! Wish me luck and lots of fun. Regardless of what happens, it will be an experience to remember and surely a balm to my troubled spirit.

Joys and Sorrows

2009-02-21T22:49:00.002-05:00

At my UU church we have a traditional piece of the service where we share our personal joys and sorrows with each other. Since thoughts of both a joyous and sorrowful nature have been weighing on me the last couple of days, I though it best I share mine here.

I have a sorrow, and a joy.

My sorrow is that my Great Aunt Fern (always Aunt Fern to me) had a stroke last Thursday. We don't know if she is going to make it yet or not, or what her life may be like if she does pull through.

Aunt Fern is a difficult case. She has caused a lot of consternation in my immediate family. Some in my family focus on her tendency to be self-serving, and she does have a selfish streak, but I believe there are more than enough psychological reasons for that behavior that I won't go into here. What I've been focusing on these last two days is not her mistakes, but the fact that she is one of only a few examples of living in joy that I remember from my extended family. She has always seemed to take great pleasure in life, and in living it to the fullest. She is patriotic, and religious, an all-around all American lady in the old-fashioned way; yet she is also feisty, and independant, and shrewd. What I take from her example is that a smile and confidence that you have the right to be, do and say exactly what you choose will take you further than just about anything else. I pray that she will recover, and continue on living her life to the fullest, but even if she doesn't I'd like to thank her for being a smiling face in my memory, reminding me that we make our own happiness.

My Joy.

As most of you know, I'm a Girl Scout leader. In the last couple of days this has been causing me stress as I try to be the willow and bend in the winds of my parent's needs. The problem is that lately I've felt as if those winds have become gale forces and that rather than accepting a compromising bend, they want me to snap to their will. Or, in other situations, they aren't a wind making themselves present to my tree at all, they are simply blowing away, leaving wasted money, time and effort in their wake when they don't show for meetings or pre-paid events.

Probably I'm being too sensitive, with my family stresses and all, but this behavior has left me questioning why I bother with Girl Scouts. Then I got to spend time with some of my girls at booth sales today and I was reminded how much I care for ALL the girls in our troop.

These girls are all unique, yet they are all graced with a loving kindness that is so beautiful and precious and I am so happy to be a part of all of their lives. Being at our troop meetings I may get stressed out or pushy about scheduling and rules, but when I take a moment to just enjoy what is going on around me I feel really blessed to have so many truly great kids as part of my life. It may sound kooky but I really love these girls and I am so inspired by the knowledge that amidst the sea of indifference, hatred and selfishness that is our society and our younger generation there are these beacons of light shining a love of life, a joy in helping others and a compassion so deep it puts us grown-ups to shame, into the world. So, these children, these bundles of goodness are my joy.

The new tattoo

2009-02-15T20:18:00.003-05:00

Camping, pirates, and other fun stuff

2009-01-30T16:39:00.003-05:00

We've been busy lately so I thought it was time to give a little status update...

Today Fiona went to see a pediatric opthamologist(which is apparently better, or at least snootier, than an optometrist, at least if the Doctor's reaction to being called the wrong term is any judge). Despite the snooty factor, I liked this Doctor and her staff. They were very nice and great with kids. Happily, Fiona doesn't need glasses yet, although with a diagnosis of "nearly normal" vision that may change eventually.

While discussing the family history, and in particular Saskia's vision problems, with the assistant I found out that her one really bad eye is actually a treatable medical condition... if it's treated before the eye stops developing, which happens around the age of 7. Shit, she IS 7. Sure wish that optometrist at Lenscrafters had mentioned this before. So Saskia has an appointment in late February (this woman is so overbooked) to see if there is anything that can be done for her. Of course I'm kicking myself for not finding out about this earlier, when her vision might possibly have been improved to the point where she wouldn't need glasses except for reading. The worst bit though in Saskia's opinion is that the treatment involves wearing an eye patch over her good eye. Can't imagine much worse for a self-conscious pre-pre-teen than going to school looking like a pirate. I can only imagine how awful the tantrums are going to be if she does need to wear a patch. Argh.

In happier news, yesterday we booked our first REAL vacation since 2004 (not counting weekend camping trips with friends). I am so excited, we rented a cabin up near Traverse City, in the Sleeping Bear National Forest area in August. We are going to be right on a lake, with canoes, boats and swimming a few feet away as we step out the door. Some very good friends went there last year and had a great time, they went to a different place each day and all were gorgeous (trust me, I've seen the pictures). Oh yeah, and the best part? OUR FRIENDS RENTED THE CABIN NEXT DOOR! I'm so excited, and so are the kids. The thought that they can get up each morning, run outside and jump in a lake with their best friends has got them screaming with glee. And that they get to spend a whole week with their friends is better than any present I could come up with. I can't wait to sit out in the morning with my friend and watch the kids play, or watch the men barbecue something while we toast our toes in front of a campfire. Vacation here we come!

Let's see, in other news, we celebrated the induction of 3 new girls into our Girl Scout troop last Saturday, and rededicated the 11 girls who were with us last year. I must say, I grow to love Girl Scouts and in particular MY scouts more each time we do something like this. It's great to watch our girls grow up, becoming more thoughtful and more patient. It's great getting to know them and know that you are an important person in their lives. I truly care about and enjoy the company of ALL of my troop members and I'm so happy to know that the work that my co-leaders and I do for these girls is valued by them and their parents.

Lastly, I joined a "small group ministry" at my church which had our first meeting this past week. It was very interesting, a little intense, but thought provoking too. The best part was carpooling with a neighbor and getting to know her better, I'm very happy to find a kindred spirit close by and look forward to more thoughtful conversations with her and other members of my church.

That's probably more than enough for one post, besides, the nasty, messy kitchen is calling.

Dirt Room

2009-01-27T14:31:00.001-05:00

Blue October's new video "Dirt Room" premiered today. The album goes on sale in March. Enjoy!

New Life Resolutions

2009-01-24T09:04:00.002-05:00

I didn't make New Year's resolutions this year. I think I was too busy to stop for a moment and think about what they should be. But I had a lot of time to think in the last 24 hours and I've decided to try to make some New Life resolutions. New Life, because I don't want them to just last for a year, and because they are something I started as soon as I woke up this morning. A new perspective if you will. It's very simple and revolves around one simple sentance: I will work to be healthier in body, mind, and spirit.

Body: I will respect my body. I will nourish it with healthy food, some exercise, and enough sleep. I understand that I will not run marathons or turn into a health-food nut overnight, and that I will continue to have many days that I do not succeed at meeting these goals, but I will overall increase my health level.

Mind: I will take steps to improve my mind by reading. I will let go of negative thoughts and people which make me feel bad. I will focus on the things which make me happy: my family, my friends, and my volunteer work. I will make my life, and thoughts, less chaotic and more organized through better scheduling and more self-discipline.

Spirit: I will nurture my spirit through meditation, and through the small group ministry I have joined at my church. I will focus on making myself, my children and my husband happier to create more peace in my home.

In order to help me implement these things, I am going to have to focus very intensely on what is happen in my home, my body, and my mind. Which means I will need to spend less time distracting myself with the Internet and surfing and may not be around as much. Wish me luck, I am happy and excited about the potential of this decision and hope I am strong enough to carry it out.

The Inauguration

2009-01-20T12:47:00.002-05:00

I thought the rush of emotions I felt when President Obama won the election was over, but listening to the inauguration on NPR today it all came rushing back. I do believe that this election is not only historic for all the reasons we've already heard, but because it represents a shift in American focus from one of partisanship and petty bickering to one of getting things done for the good of all. I believe we have a chance to finally make the world a better place for our children, and I believe that though the next years are going to be extremely hard, there is no one better to lead us through them than our new President, Barack Obama.

Excerpted from President Obama's speech:

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it)."

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

YES WE CAN!

CPSIA or : One of the stupidest things the government has done in a long time

2009-01-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

Many of my blog readers (all 10 of you, LOL) already know about the impending economic disaster called the CPSIA, doomed to hit America in February, but I am writing about it myself because I am so concerned with it's impact. My friend Cristina has a great post about the impact of this legislation on small business owners which you can read on her blog. She also includes a list of things we can do to protest this legislation so if you haven't checked her post out already, please do so.

Now, I'm concerned about this legislation on a number of scales. Of course I do not care to have lead in my children's toys, but since I rarely bought plastic crap from huge chains anyway I never had all that much to worry about anyway. Still I agree that regulating children's products mass produced in overseas factories is a good thing as I don't want any child to have suffer from lead poisoning. The problem with this regulation though is it is far too broad. As many others have pointed out, it will destroy small businesses and grind production of specialty items for children to a halt. For example, the folks at Boutique Cafe called around and found that testing just one of their custom made shirts would cost them $1,025-$1425. Talk about insanity! The end result will be that big chains and mass producers (from China, where everything with lead content came from originally) will be able to test one of a batch of say 100,000 Dora dolls, and sell them legally, but any small business owner or maker of custom toys, clothes, bedding etc will go out of business. Tell me how this is good for our economy OR our children's health? Because I'm fairly sure it would be easier to slip a bunch of lead infested toys through in a unit of 100, 1000, or 100,000 than a unit of 1.

As scary as all of this is, it gets worse. I was shown a blog post today on C3 about the effect of the CPSIA legislation on libraries. Even if you aren't a librarian, as a tax payer or patron you need to be outraged at the huge costs libraries are going to incure due to this legislation. The costs of children's books (which have to be tested although who ever heard of a kid getting lead poisoning from a book?) will soar astronomically. Libraries won't be able to have book sales to raise funds anymore. They won't be able to have give-aways for summer reading programs, they won't be able to accept donations. They may not even be legally allowed to lend the books they have on their shelves now! Even computers and equipment in the children's area may fall under this regulation and have to be replaced or tested. Considering the absimal state of library funding to begin with, this legislation could very well spell the end of children's libraries (and children's librarians too) as there is no way libraries can cover all of these costs.

Still not scared? Say you don't buy from small businesses and you don't attend libraries. Do you ever had a garage sale or shop at one? Buy or sell something on Craig's List or Ebay? Get your kid's clothes at Mom to Mom sales? Well forget it. Even second hand sales are covered by this legislation which means all of those sales will become illegal without testing of the products. How many stay at home moms, families and internet sellers will lose supplimental income, maybe their only source of income in some cases?

So as you can see, this impact of this legislation is far reaching and utterly terrifying. If you are as scared as I am at this point I highly recommend you take action by taking one of these steps (borrowed from Cristina's blog)

What can you do?
1) Email or call the CPSIA - the office of the CPSC ombudsman 888-531-9070.
http://www.cpsc.gov/cgibin/newleg.aspx
Comments on Component Parts Testing accepted through January 30, 2009.
mailto:Sec102ComponentPartsTesting@cpsc.gov.

2) Email or snail mail your representatives.
http://capwiz.com/americanapparel/issues/alert/?alertid=12274476

3) Call your representatives. For their contact information just enter your zip code.
http://capwiz.com/americanapparel/dbq/officials/

4) Make your voice heard by voting on this issue. The top 3 in each category will be presented to President-elect Obama.
http://www.change.org/ideas/view/save_handmade_toys_from_the_cpsia

5) Sign the petition.
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/economicimpactsofCPSIA/index.html

6) Spread the word! Write about this on your blog. Tell others about this issue and encourage them to do the same.

7) Join others in fighting this cause.
http://cpsia-central.ning.com/notes/Notes_Home

Join the etsy community in the virtual chat with CPSIA Small Business Ombudsmen or send a handmade children’s item that will become “hazardous goods” as of 2/9/09 to Bobby Rush, founder of H.R. 4040.
http://www.etsy.com/storque/craftivism/handmade-childrens-items-unintended-consequences-consumer-pr-3056/

Christmas recap

2008-12-25T16:37:00.002-05:00

Text only for now - I'll do a photo entry later after pictures have been uploaded. Merry Christmas everyone!

Last night we went to the Christmas Eve service at our UU church. The service was really lovely, if a bit long and hot. Fiona was fussy throughout, but she still managed to put on a good performance while acting as an angel in the Posada reenactment and singing for the Children's Choir. Both girls crashed immediately when we got home, although in Saskia's case it was more out of a desire to make Santa come faster than tiredness.

The girls woke us at 9:00, which was a great Christmas present to us. They rushed downstairs and came back up squealing over the Littlest Pet Shop V.I.P's that Santa left them. We let them go crazy opening Santa's gifts and unloading their stockings, then we made them wait (we are so mean) while we made tea before moving on to the other gifts.

In an effort to make the morning last longer, I have a rule that only one person can open a gift at a time. So we had a sweet couple of hours of leisurely opening gifts. I won't bother listing all their presents, just the top 3... For Saskia #3 was a "Totally Spies" computer game , #2 was her LPS VIP and #1 was most definitely her copy-cat American Girl doll, complete with several beautifully hand-made outfits from Grandma. For Fiona #3 was her Barbie doctor, #2 her LPS VIP and #1 was her first big-girl bike.

After opening presents I made my way to the kitchen to cook breakfast, biscuits and eggs was on the menu. I was surprised to find after we ate that it was already noon! We quickly phoned grandma and grandpa to thank them for their thoughtful gifts and then attempted to register the VIPs. And when I say attempted, I mean it. It took over an hour and the server was so slow they couldn't even play once they finally got registered. I know it's Christmas and all but come on people, shouldn't that be expected? Get some more servers or something, sheesh.

By the time I got off the kid's computers it was 1:30 and I was way behind on making dinner. I started on the chestnut stuffing while Paul prepared the goose. By 3:00 (note, next time I'm buying the chestnuts pre-cooked and peeled) we were allowed a short break. Paul took a nap while I set up a new MSN messenger account so that Saskia and Fiona could chat with their sister in Germany. Luckily Toni was online and we all got to chat for a little while, which was awesome. The girls really miss their sister and talk about her a lot. Hopefully now they will be able to talk to her more often.

After chatting Saskia and I went to rhapsody.com to choose some new music for our MP3 players. She got a gift card allowing her to choose any 2 albums to download: she picked the soundtracks to High School Musical and High School Musical 3. I didn't get a gift card, but I DID get a brand new MP3 player for Christmas from Paul so I treated myself to 3 new albums (yes I'm bad)... Sarah McLachlan, Leonard Cohen and the new K.T. Tunstall. What can I say, I've been in a mellow mood lately.

It's nearly time for dinner now, I can't wait. In addition to the goose we are having rotkohl (red cabbage pickled in red wine and red wine vinegar) and knoedel (kind of like bread dumplings). Yum yum yum! After dinner we will probably watch a movie and maybe I can finally get around to playing with my new MP3 player. I can't believe how the day has flown....

Status update

2008-12-15T06:59:00.003-05:00

Christina- Is busy trying to get ready for the holidays. Were they always so stressful? I've given up on family pictures and cards, as long as I can get presents out relatively on time I will be happy.

Saskia- Just joined a youth theater troop. She is going to be performing in "Alice in Wonderland" in March as a lobster in the Caucus Race scene and a flower in the garden scene. She's really excited and already fitting right in with the troop after her first rehearsal. She's also still participating in gymnastics and was moved up a level this session to Advanced Beginning. She likes the new challenges she's facing in her new class. Girl Scouts is still in full swing, with Cookie season starting in a couple of weeks, sigh. It seems like Cal/Nut just finished! And she's getting ready for a Christmas Eve performance of the Children's Choir at church. Although we've made a deal that with the new theater troop, she's going to take some time off of choir after January. One girl can only do so much!

Fiona- Is doing great with gymnastics. She seems to come to it naturally and her teacher said that after one more session they are going to be evaluating her for the invite-only class. I think it would be good for her as she's getting a little bored in the regular class. She's also having lots of fun participating in choir and is one of the most vocal kids they have, so she's really a joy to watch. In daycare/preschool she is progressing fantastically in her writing skills and understanding of concepts. I'm sure she'll be more than ready for Kindergarten when it's time in the fall. Lastly, she's been chosen to play Mary in the Christmas Pageant (she goes to a Lutheran school) and she's really excited about it.

Unfortunately, all 3 of us are sick right now but we are hoping a day home will get us better so that we are able to participate in all the great things we have coming up. Wish us luck!

Jesus, Christianity and me

2008-12-08T21:58:00.005-05:00

Of all the topics I could choose to blog about after my long hiatus, of all the titles, that is the one that will make the most of my readers (aka friends) go HUH?! but it fits, so bear with me...

To give a little background, I was raised Methodist in a heavily Christian home. Somewhere around the age of 16, after intensive involvement in the church, Bible study and lots of youth camps, groups and a stint on the Methodist youth Council I decided that while I respected the teachings of Jesus I did not follow the Christian belief that he was the son of God. This belief was so heretical in my church that I was dropped from the Council and I quickly found myself completely separated from my Christian life. Now I won't lay the complete blame on the church, I was exploring my own paths at the time and wanted a separation. But the experience did cause a great rift to develop between me and ANY Christian-labeled teachings.

Fast-forward 16 years to now. Over time I have come to realize that while I still do not believe in the Trinity or the Immaculate Conception, among other Church teachings, I do believe that Jesus was a great teacher and holy man. I believe he was a prophet, like many spiritual leaders of the ages. And I believe he would cry (or laugh) to see how his words have been twisted by the Church and many of it's followers.

I also believe in a God. Not the God of the Bible or the Torah or the Koran, but the God that all of the contributors to those great works were trying to understand. The God that Jesus, that Mohammad, that Chief Seattle and countless others talked about. The God that all humanity has been trying to describe for all of our history and the one that is incapable of description. I have long felt that be you Christian, Pagan, Jew, Buddhist, Muslim, Taoist or any other following, we reside with the exact same God, just under different names.

So, what does all this rambling have to do with this post you may ask? I apologize, I needed to give a little background, now on to the meat of the thing.

I am a Unitarian Universalist. I am so because I believe in the precepts and tenants of this faith. I believe in humanism, in tolerance, in social justice and protecting the Earth and all of the other things which are so central to the UU faith. Yet for a long time, I found the UU faith sadly lacking in FAITH. There wasn't much religion to our religion. Happily, the Reverend at my church has been working hard to fill that need and I thank him for that. It's been a balm to my soul to discuss these topics again, and I feel a part of me growing that has been stagnant for at least 10 years. I have been continuously surprised to find that I am not the only one who has these ideas about the teachings of Jesus. In fact, I just started reading a book called "The Gospels According to Jesus" by Stephen Mitchell that expresses my beliefs in a much more profound and thoughtful way than I have hear. It's been a joyous to learn that others appreciate his teachings on love, forgiveness and living in the Now (i.e. Kingdom of Heaven) outside of the traditions of the Church.

A separate and yet related struggle for me is one I've been having with the Lutheran daycare my youngest attends. Since she started full time this fall, I have become aware of a heavily Christian curriculum in her classroom, including weekly visits from "Pastor" and Bible lessons. I've been worrying a lot as to how these lessons would affect her beliefs later down the road, that they may "convert" her at a later date. Yet at the same time, I've been mourning the lack of moral teaching for my children in our UU church, the teaching which I received as a child growing up Christian. Because it is the morals of the stories that impacted me as a child, "be honest, be kind, do unto others as you would have done unto you." Those teachings were missing from our curriculum at my UU church, even though they are the basis of our faith. Happily, we have begun a curriculum this year covering World Religions which begins to touch on these tenants, but we have more to do. But that's another post all together...

To wrap it up (if you're still with me) I came to the realizations that:

1) What am I complaining about with Fiona's daycare? She's getting the moral teaching that I wanted her to have
2) What a beautiful opportunity her schooling is giving her for me to discuss my beliefs with her
3) No discussion of the teachings of Jesus can hurt my child or myself
4) I'm happy to welcome Jesus back into my life. Not as the Son of God to a Christian, but as a teacher to a student. I think I'm finally ready to learn...

Crikey!

2008-11-14T09:04:00.002-05:00

****Before you read this post I need to confess what a lame ass friend I am. These presents actually arrived on 10.30. I did originally write the following post the next day, but I wanted to take some pictures to add to it so I didn't publish it. Now, two weeks later I have neither pictures nor have I published my thanks. Worse, I haven't even given my friend a jingle to tell her thank you myself! I suck. Jae, I hope you can forgive my pathetic-ness. You may beat me with a didgeridoo if you like.****

Isn't it amazing how sometimes an unexpected surprise can completely turn our mood around? The girls and I got one of those yesterday and I must say it really turned my bad mood of late around!

A few weeks back my dear friend Jae posted an entry on her blog about an upcoming trip to the Australia zoo. I posted a comment wishing her fun on her vacation. I also made a comment about how if she runs into Bindi Irwin, to say hi from her biggest fan in the US, my daughter Fiona. So what did my wonderful, caring friend do when at the zoo? She got the girls Bindi presents! The package arrived yesterday and we were all completely surprised. Each girl got this cute little bag with "Australian zoo" on the front, and a "Bindi bling sheet" to bling up their bags. Saskia took the "Bindi" name bling, and Fiona went with the sparkly tiger. There was also a great magazine from the zoo, which Fiona made me read as a bedtime story that night, and a Wildlife Warrior bracelet for me. We love everything, but most of all we love that a dear friend thought of us and did something so special to show she cares. Love you Jae.

Valentine's Day

2008-11-14T07:00:00.001-05:00

1.Put your iTunes or MP3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. If you want to add commentary - go for it.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Hope Alone - Indigo Girls

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
You - Breaking Benjamin
*this is not a bad choice

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Little Things Give You Away - Linkin Park
*LMAO at this one, this song is me

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
If I Fall You're Going Down With Me - Dixie Chicks

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Lil' Jack Slade - Dixie Chicks
*interesting, this is an instrumental song. Maybe I should shut up more?

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
By Myself - Linkin Park
*wow, that's freakily accurate

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Piano & I - Alicia Keys
*strange, I've been obsessing over getting a piano lately. I miss making music.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Mississippi - Dixie Chicks

WHAT IS 2+2?
This Can't Be Love - Natalie Cole
*LMAO again

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Drop - Blue October
*I bet a few of my good friends can guess what this song is about...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Too Young - Natalie Cole

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park
*scarily accurate again.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Breakfast After 10 - Blue October

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
It's The Only One You've Got - 3 Doors Down
*good point, he should hear this song

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Forca - Nelly Furtado
*I doubt my parents think about soccer when they think of me, but who knows?

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Our Love is Here to Stay - Natalie Cole
*awww

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Barons of Suburbia - Tori Amos

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
All Over You - Live

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Between Angels and Insects - Papa Roach

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Toast - Tori Amos

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
With You - Linkin Park

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Try - Nelly Furtado

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
You've Got to Show - Indigo Girls

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Sombody - Blue October

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Straighten Up and Fly Right - Natalie Cole
*kay, whatever...

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Cars and Guitars - Tori Amos

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Everlasting Friend - Blue October

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
What I've Done - Linkin Park
*guess that's a no

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
The Beauty of Gray - Live

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Am I the Only One (Who's Ever Felt This Way) - Dixie Chicks

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Valentine's Day - Linkin Park

Bragging Rights

2008-11-11T09:40:00.003-05:00

Saskia brought home her first second grade report card yesterday. I wish I had it in front of me so that I could copy word for word what her teacher said, but it went something like this: "Saskia is a joy to have in class. She is helpful and considerate. She is reading well beyond her grade level and her writing is very imaginative and well formed. She has mastered all the basic math concepts and is progressing well towards higher math skills.... " And I'm not exagerating people, it really read like that, it was awesome! She's totally beaming and so proud of herself!

As for grades, they don't give A, B, C, D, F here, at least in elementary school. What they rank them on is 1="well below grade level expectations" 2="progressing towards grade level expectations" 3="meets grade level expectations" 4="high achievement of grade level expectations" and 4*="excedes grade level expectations". They also rank them each period based on what they should know by the end of the school year. Saskia already has a 3 in every subject, except science, writing and reading where she has a 4! Woo-hoo, go smart girl!

Thank you, President Obama

2008-11-05T07:39:00.003-05:00

For the first time I can remember, I have hope that humans can finally stop destroying ourselves and work for peace, change and a future for our children.

And for those who still doubt, read Obama's acceptance speech and you may understand why he gives me such hope.

For change, for hope

2008-11-04T08:33:00.002-05:00

Here I sit at my desk, proudly sporting my "I Voted" sticker. I feel absolutely giddy, and slightly nervous. I know I'm going to be on pins and needles all day... how on earth will I concentrate on work knowing that the future of our country, and possibly the world hinges on this day. A bit melodramatic? Perhaps, but that's truly what I believe.

Yesterday Saskia asked me who I was voting for and why. I replied, "I'm voting for Barack Obama, because he gives me hope. Because he cares about people and the Earth, and he is our best chance to save ourselves." And it's the truth. For the first time I can remember, I believe a candidate actually has the ability to change the world for the better. If Obama doesn't win, it's not just the Democrats who will lose, it's all the people, the country, the world, the planet. If we don't change our ways now, there will be no future for our children, and Obama as President is the first step in that change.

So if you haven't gotten out to vote yet today, do it! Do it for your children, your grandchildren. Say yes to hope, yes to change, yes to a future. Say yes to Barack Obama.

Mommy, you should never mail an elephant

2008-10-16T14:13:00.002-04:00

and other random cute sayings by Miss Fiona:

Thank SkippyJon Jones for these two endlessly repeated phrases:
*Holy Jalapeno!
*Mr. Beans, in your dreams.

A recent conversation about preschool:

Fiona: Jimmy hurt my feelings today
Me: How did he hurt your feelings?
Fiona: I was waiting for him to go on the teeter-totter with me and he didn't!
Me: Did you ask him to go on the teeter-totter with you?
Fiona: No, he was just supposed to know! But that's okay, he said sorry.
Me thinking: (Poor boy, she's messing with his head and got him apologizing for things he didn't do already!)

And another conversation:

Fiona: Mommy, you fell down the stairs.
Me: okay....
Fiona gets pretend phone, dials 911: Hello? My mommy fell down the stairs and she's not even dead.

And some random remarks:

* Are we still in our world? (meaning city)
* Mommy, you shouldn't wander off, you could get lost.

Fiona: Saskia hit me!
Me: Why did she hit you?
Fiona: Because I kicked her!

I'm sure there are many, many more but they aren't coming to mind right now. I really need to get a tape-recorder!

Om and other stuff

2008-09-30T13:55:00.003-04:00

Life is stressful, as usual. I'm doing way too much in way too little time, as usual. And I feel like a pine cone in a tornado, as usual. BUT, I'm trying to do something about it, which is NOT business as usual.

It all started when my dear hubby and I watched a special on PBS on stress last week. Called "Killer Stress" the show explained scientifically all the damage that stress does to our bodies. The best part, from my point of view, was when they said that being the mother of small children is one of the most stress inducing factors there is, and that for every 1 year lived under extreme stress, our body ages 5.5 years. Not a pretty picture.

Coincidentally, about a week ago the Reverend at my church started offering meditation classes. I had been reluctant to ask DH if I could add yet another thing to my schedule, but this show gave me the excuse I needed and he was completely supportive. So I bit the bullet, bought the textbook and went to my first class Monday night. It was fabulous. I won't say that I achieved a meditative state, but I will say that I left the class more relaxed than I have been in a long time. I also left with major aches in my legs and hips from sitting "criss-cross applesauce" for 45 minutes so when I got home I did some yoga to stretch a little. Keep in mind, I haven't practiced yoga for about 4 years, so it was awkward but good. I went to bed feeling peaceful and relaxed, and slept fabulously.

Today reality crashed back in, with work deadlines, a sick kid, a jury summons to deal with, bills to pay, and Girl Scout field trips to coordinate. But just knowing that I am learning ways to cope with the chaos makes me feel better. Namaste.

You love her more than me!

2008-09-24T08:06:00.000-04:00

That's what Saskia said to me last night, in regards to Fiona. They had a fight, Saskia threw a toy (which hit Fiona in the face) and I put her in time out for it. Honestly it was a mild punishment, she should have gotten something more severe, like being grounded, for lobbing a Polly Pocket house at her sister's head, but I wasn't in the mood. So she got a lecture about expressing her frustration in a more productive, and less violent way, and had to sit on the stairs for 5 minutes. Not exactly a harsh punishment.

A few minutes later I find her crying, saying that I would "never be as nice to her as I was to Fiona". Just because I was comforting her sister after she was hit. We talked, I told her that I love them both equally because they are both my daughters. That they each have unique, special qualities and that I love those things about them, but even if the things are different the amount of my love is the same. And that no matter what happens, I will always love them both with my whole heart.

She nodded as I spoke, but I wonder if it really sunk in? Does she really believe me? Was this comment a passing thing, said in the heat of the moment or does she really believe that I love her sister more? I can understand where she'd get that idea, since Fiona is so needy I do end up spending more of my energy on her. I just don't want her to grow up feeling unloved. I want her to know, with every fiber of her being, that I love her with my whole heart and soul. I don't want her to ever doubt that.

Hi, my name is Christina...

2008-09-05T22:09:00.002-04:00

and I'm a Webkinz addict.

It started off peaceably enough. My daughter got her first Webkinz for her birthday a couple of weeks ago and has been hooked ever since. I started out hating the place, all the errors, breakdowns and things not working would have her crying hysterically because she couldn't do what she really wanted to do. But tonight I saw the other side.

Saskia recently bought some kitchen appliances in order to cook. I kept trying to convince her to buy a kitchen to put them in, but she didn't want to spend 500 Kinz dollars on a room. Then she discovered that she could buy her pet a garden. She was so excited to grow her own food and "get out in the fresh air". But it cost 1000 Kinz dollars. And so it began. I started answering questions for her to earn money. After about an hour I had enough to buy her a garden. But I was hooked. I then played for another hour, bought her a kitchen, a sink and some food. Then I found the arcade games. Lord help me, I finally forced myself to log off after about the thirtieth time my ant was killed in the picnic game. At least I now understand her addiction, let's just hope it's a minor one for both of us!

Saskia's birthday party

2008-08-29T21:16:00.006-04:00

Yes, I'm a lame mom. My daughter's birthday was almost 2 whole weeks ago and I am just getting around to blogging about it. I have a good excuse, as I just started a new job, but I still think I'd better get these thoughts down before they leave my flighty mind.

Unfortunately this post will have to consist mostly of text, as I'm not willing to publish pictures of other people's kids on my blog without their permission. Especially in light of what happened to my friend Cristina with some perv viewing her flicker photos I'm leary of posting any pics at all, but I figure pictures of a kid on a bike should be pretty safe. Then again....

Saskia's birthday fell on a Saturday this year, which was nice. She woke us up around 6:30 am (this is the girl who I normally have to force out of bed at 11:00 in the summer) to open her presents. Coming downstairs she found a pile from us, Grandma & Grandpa and Great-Grandma. The bear, named Chloe, was a big hit, thanks Great-Grandma!

Barbie Mariposa was something she's been wanting for a long time; she was thrilled to finally get it.

But the best present was her bike. Her last bike was for 2-4 year olds, and at 7 that just wasn't cutting it anymore. I think she likes it, despite the haughty, "what do YOU want?" look on her face.

We spent the day shopping, baking, cleaning and decorating. The party was a "Girl's Night" theme. The girls came in their p.j.'s and had pizza to start. Next we played a "Getting to Know You" game, where the girls filled out these questionnaires about themselves, then they were passed in a circle and read out loud so that everyone could guess who the cards belonged to. The girls had fun, although the game was a bit tough for 7 year olds to keep their patience through.

That game was followed by "Hot Potato". Since it was a night theme as each girl got "out" of the game she got to pick a stuffed animal to take home (thank you Party Store for going out of business and putting your Beanie Babies on clearance!)

All this took considerably less time than I thought it would, so we were left with about 45 minutes to kill. BIG mistake. 45 minutes of free time plus 9 6-7 year olds (and 1 4 year old) equals insanity. The girls screamed. And ran around. And screamed. And jumped on things. And screamed. And screamed. Think "Hannah Montana" meets "Animal House". Oh yeah, fun times.

Wrapping it up... we eventually brought out cake and ice cream, Saskia opened her presents (she got killer loot, thanks everyone, you rock!) and then they played "Musical Chairs" (and screamed) until their parents got there. Her favorite present was the "Project Runway" designer paper dolls. She wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up and is already busy creating her own designs. Tim, Heidi, what do you think?

All in all it was a fantastically fun time, but so very different from her six year old party which was very princess-y and sweet. It is yet another reminder, among many, that my little girl is not little anymore. She is growing in so many wonderful ways and becoming so wise, yet so tween-difficult at the same time. Sigh, I miss my baby, but I love my young lady. Happy birthday, dear Saskia, I love you.

Quirky Meme

2008-08-05T18:25:00.002-04:00

I was tagged by Mimi and Lisa (and possibly other people, I've lost track) for this quirky meme. Since I don't know that many bloggers and as far as I can tell all the ones I do know have already been tagged, I won't be following the last two rules, which are:

The Rules
* Link to the person who tagged you.
* Mention the rules.
* Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about yourself.
* Tag six other bloggers by linking to them.
* Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment to let them know that they’ve been tagged.

1) I can't eat breakfast AND have coffee. It has to be one or the other. Usually I just have coffee and skip the food, but on the rare occasions that I decide to be responsible and eat something because I know I'll be gone all day and I *need* food I will eat cereal. This usually makes me feel nauseous and nasty making me forgo my morning coffee, then I get mean. It's a vicious cycle.

2)I can't stand chunky bits of butter on my bread or anything else. It has to be spread extremely thinly, almost so that you can't see it, yet evenly, reaching everywhere.

3) I am fanatical about how I separate my laundry. I usually have at least 7 different loads: hot/whites, warm/lights, warm/darks, cold/lights, dark/lights, cold/reds and warm/reds. When we had our awesome German washing machine (how I miss you!) that allowed me to chose the size of the load and conserve water this meant I did many, many small loads of wash every couple of days. Now that we have our awful American thing (technically it's Italian but we bought the $800 piece of crap here- LG you suck!) I will save little bundles of wash for weeks, waiting to have enough for that particular combination.

4) I am also fanatical about drying laundry and hang up almost everything. Because of my laundry fetishes my husband has been forbidden from doing laundry as he inevitably gets it wrong!

5) I absolutely hate to be late, it turns me into a screaming banshee and makes me so nervous I can feel my insides itching.

6) I also HATE disorganization. I inevitably have a horrible time at any school or volunteer event because I spend the entire time internally seething about how things should have been done. It makes my twitch when glitches occur that throw things off by even a couple of minutes, and I hate when there aren't enough rules established (like only TWO cookies per child, that kind of thing) or when people don't do what they are told as soon as they are told to do it.

Changes

2008-07-31T13:24:00.002-04:00

The girls and I got new haircuts today....

Saskia went for a short bob, I think she looks adorable! For Fiona we were trying for the Rachel from Friends look, and mama wanted a long, a-line bob with side-swept bangs. For the most part we are all happy, although the bob ended up shorter than I wanted and the bangs are driving me crazy as they keep falling in front of my right eye. At least hair grows, right?

Easy Silence

2008-07-26T08:01:00.004-04:00

Or: Reason # 1,689,342 why my daughter rocks

Lately Saskia and I have both been really into listening to the Dixie Chicks. I'm not really a country fan, but I love this group. Their vocals are amazing and their lyrics are thought provoking. Plus I love a good scandal, and after all the hullabaloo surrounding their anti-Bush remarks my curiosity was peaked. But this post isn't really about that...

We've taken to listening to their latest album Taking the Long Way every night at bedtime. When my favorite song, Easy Silence, came on, Saskia asked me who I thought the singer was singing about. I said I thought she was singing about her husband or her child. Saskia replied, "I don't think so, I think she's singing about her mom." Awww, I thought I was going to cry.

You can watch a video of the Chicks live performance at the American Music Awards here, and read the lyrics of the song below. Then you'll understand why her comment makes my heart swell with love and sadness.

Easy Silence
by the Dixie Chicks

When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind

Buses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify

And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

The easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Sunday night fun

2008-07-21T11:57:00.007-04:00

Sunday night the girls and I spent about an hour hanging out in the backyard. Our intention was to catch fireflies but as they weren't out yet we did some other stuff...

like swing. Can you see in the picture that she's got her MP3 player and headphones on. Listening to Everlife so loud she can't hear me talk to her. Oh yeah.

and shooting hoops.

and watching the cat eat grass, hoping he's not going to puke when he comes back inside.

Finally the fireflies started to come out. Miss Thing wishes she was 16 didn't want to participate, so little one did all the catching. She's getting quite good, she caught 4!

Making a wish. As far as I can remember her wishes were: 1) to see Harvey (the cat) climb a tree. 2) to see Harvey climb 100 trees 3) to turn into a butterfly 4) to see a unicorn

At this point I was being eaten alive by mosquitoes so I forced the kids back inside. Miss Thing promptly plopped onto her bed to listen to more music.

I think the main differences between six and 16 at this point are that she actually lets me in her room, and she smiled when I took the picture instead of scowling. Oh, and at 16 instead of Everlife on that MP3 player she'll probably have the 2018 version of the Cure or Nirvana. At least I hope so.

Photo Challange: "A Day in the Life" [Photo Heavy]

2008-07-17T11:22:00.007-04:00

Last Friday Cathy issued a challenge to document a day of our life in photos. I actually took all these pictures on Monday, but this is the first time I've had to put this entry together, so sorry I'm so late!

Fiona usually gets me up while Saskia is still sleeping. She runs straight for the table, she's my little eating machine. Here's breakfast for her:

Followed by breakfast for mommy. Ummmm cappuccino.

Fiona goes down to the family room to play, accompanied by Noggin while mommy starts doing homework

Eventually Saskia gets up and Fiona joins her sister for her traditional "second breakfast" which is a regular meal in her mind

Then the girls head back to the family room for TV and play. Saskia gets on her computer to play with her "Barbie Fashion Designer" game. Have I mentioned before that her dream is to be a fashion designer?

After I've studied for a couple of hours I take some time to tackle a little housework. The kitchen is in desperate need of some attention

Around 1pm it's lunch time. Yes, we are still in pajamas

At this point I'm feeling guilty for not having spent any time with the kids yet, and for the fact that they've been hanging with the electronic babysitters all day, so I force them to come outside and do some gardening with me

After gardening I did a little more homework, then it's off to work for me.

When I get home at 10:30pm, this is what I find. I miss my girls.

10 Memorable Vacation Moments

2008-07-15T15:07:00.003-04:00

From Ten on Tuesday, in no order other than what jumps to mind first:

1) Visiting Washington, D.C. with my family when I was 13 or so. Seeing the Washington and Lincoln Monuments were cool and I was totally in awe of the Supreme Court building but the Vietnam Memorial sticks out in my mind and heart. The impact of seeing all those names on that long, long black wall was huge to my pacifist, teenage self, especially since my dad (a Navy Vet) knew several of those names personally.

2) Family vacation to Alaska, 1992 or 93 (I was 16). Denali National park was amazingly beautiful, but I embarrassed my parents by having an hysterical crying fit when we visited a wolf farm (aka pen where real wolves are kept on three feet long chains their entire sad live). I could really relate to the longing for freedom in their eyes.

3) Going with my grandparents to visit the Grand Canyon when I was 9. Crossing into Mexico for a tourist's lunch and getting s-i-c-k.

4) Swimming with the sting rays off of Grand Cayman. Driving around the island and seeing the horrible shacks the poor people were living in, in comparison to the gorgeous spreads of the English bankers.

5) Paris, my twenty-third birthday. Running through the streets with the Korean girl I met at my hostel, trying to get back before curfew at 11pm and having strange Frenchmen trying to "help" us find our way.

6) Prague. EVERYTHING was beautiful, but one of the best places I visited was the Strahov Monastery and their library. The St. Nicholas church was pretty damn amazing too.

7) Renting a car and driving around Crete with my sister. Coming around a corner on a one lane dirt road with a cliff on one side leading straight up and one on the other side leading straight down to the ocean, only to find the entire road blocked by sheep. Pretending we were Irish because Americans weren't too popular there at the time (this was during NATOs intervention in the Kosovo War).

8) Spain, 2000. Most memorable was standing in the Seville Cathedral in front of the Tomb of Christopher Columbus with a girl I met on the bus from Mexico and discussing the history of our two nations and the impact Columbus had on our people.

9) Berlin and the Love Parade!

10) Touring every cathedral in Cologne with my mom while pregnant with Saskia. After a full day of walking all over the city we were relaxing in our hotel room and I was pigging out on candied fruit. All that sugar got Saskia jumpy and I felt her move for the very first time.

Just checkin in- 7/15

2008-07-15T08:35:00.003-04:00

I'm too tired to think of a coherent blog entry, so I'm just going to give you the highlights:

* Finals are next week. I have one massively unbelievable take-home final due Monday and one in-class final on Wednesday. I also have a research proposal due on the 29th but I'm not stressed about that, it's almost done, just needs a little revision. The in-class final is scaring me though, I've managed to go about 1 1/2 years without taking a class that has a final exam, it's always been projects or papers. The thought of memorizing lots of stuff then having to spew it back out coherently under a 2 hour time crunch is freaky. So wish me luck.

* I'm working a lot this week. Not much else to say about that.

* I'm guilt tripping because my crazy schedule is forcing us to miss both kid's gymnastics classes this week, the one and only thing we do for them. I'm also guilt tripping because this weeks photo challenge, "A day in the life" made it extremely clear how little time I spend with my children each day, and what a sucky mom I am.

Did I mention how tired I am?

Big Brother- he's not just watching anymore

2008-07-12T10:06:00.003-04:00

This article from Yahoo News regarding privacy protection is a must read. Basically a federal judge has ordered YouTube to release their viewing records in relation to the billion dollar Viacom lawsuit against them, which maintains that they are suborning copyright infringement by allowing people to post clips of TV shows, movies, music videos and other media that does not belong to them. My question is, how far are they going to take this? The potential for personal prosecution is great. Not only could the people who posted the clips eventually be sued for copyright violations, so could the viewers! According to the Yahoo article: "The YouTube database includes information on when each video gets played. Attached to each entry is each viewer's unique login ID and the Internet Protocol, or IP, address for that viewer's computer — identifiers that, while seemingly anonymous, can often be traced to specific individuals, or at least their employers or hometowns" (JESDANUN, July 2008). Scared yet? It gets worse.

The article discusses more than just the Viacom/YouTube lawsuit. The journalist goes on to discuss other cases where private records have been sought and received for use as evidence. For example, the US Justice Department subpoenaed search records from the major search engine providers related to people's online pornography search habits. Did you know that every search you perform is saved corporately for 1 year?! I can understand if they are tracking illegal activities such as child pornography how such records would be valuable, but in this case they are attempting to;"to prove that the 1998 law is 'more effective than filtering software in protecting minors from exposure to harmful materials on the Internet'."(McCullagh and Mills, 2006). In other words, the goal was to find out how many people were search for legal pornographic images, not illegal ones. Does the government really need to know that?

In light of such information and the certainty that companies have more data on our lives than we could ever imagine it seems the only recourse for the individual is to become exceedingly careful with the data we share. And quit watching videos on YouTube.

Chicken

2008-07-11T11:15:00.003-04:00

There are a lot of things I'm afraid of; spiders, snakes, COCKROACHES! but I don't believe in passing on my irrational fears to my kids so I usually put on a brave act in front of them. I'm the queen of spider catching without flinching. I've even promised my daughter she can have a pet snake when she's ten (she loves the slimy things). Today however, my bravery failed me, and it was when confronted with this thing.

The picture is from flickr.com, I was too freaked out to think of snapping a picture. I eventually succeeded in vacuuming the creature up but it put up a really good fight. I admit it, I screamed like a banshee a couple of times. Now Fiona is tiptoeing through the house, afraid of encountering one. Way to go mom.

Something to smile at

2008-07-09T10:01:00.002-04:00

Thanks to The Shifted Librarian for posting this video on her blog. I loved it so much I wanted to make sure all my friends saw it, so I'm posting it too. To learn more about the creator of the video check out this article in The New York Times.

Next star of the WNBA? Photo heavy

2008-07-07T14:56:00.000-04:00

Fiona got a basketball hoop and ball for her birthday about 8 weeks ago, but lame-ass mom that I am I just got around to unpacking it and putting it together this weekend. It was worth the effort, she loved it and played for about for about 2 hours straight. Here are a few shots. If you look closely at the last one you can see the ball going into the hoop, way to go Noni!

Photo challange: Fireworks

2008-07-07T14:48:00.000-04:00

This is my first attempt to take part in one of my friend's photo challenges, and my first attempt to post multiple pics to a blog entry, so bear with me...

My dear friend Jess challenged us to to post pictures about fireworks this week. Ours were pretty lame and never left the ground, however the kids still liked them, as you can see by their faces.

They're holding glass jars because before the "show" they were trying to catch fireflies. Honestly that was probably more fun than the fireworks, but at least they were sweet enough not to say so.

Strange child

2008-07-04T19:12:00.000-04:00

My kids have always been pretty good about avoiding any of those strange, slightly dangerous activities that are characteristic of children. They never put things in their mouths as babies, never showed any interest in the medicine cabinet or cleaning products, never tried to climb the shelves (okay, Fiona did it once) or pull dressers down on themselves. I thought I had gotten away with pretty low-maintenance kids, at least in this area. Until today that is.

Fiona came asking if I could "get a bogey" out of her nose. I was cooking, distracted and said to just blow her nose already! She replied that she had already tried that... I said she'd have to wait. She starts to walk away, then says the fateful words "What if it's not a bogey, what if it's a Polly Pocket?" WHAT?! Sure enough, she shoved a Polly Pocket magnetic purse up her nose. With quite a bit of fussing and some pain on her part we managed to pull the darn thing out with tweezers. I still don't know what possessed her to stick something up her nose, and I probably never will. So much for my low-maintenance kids.

Just checkin in

2008-07-03T17:38:00.001-04:00

I used to write these "Just checking in" posts on MM fairly regularly, to keep my friends caught up on the daily stuff going on in my life, and I figured I'd continue the trend here. As I'm not in the mood for a lot of verbiage (shocking I know) I thought I'd give you just a bulleted list today:

* Yesterday was my birthday, nothing special happened, although I did enjoy a nice surprise today when I dropped my kid's off at my best friend here in town's house and she had a cake and mini-party ready for me. Thanks D, that was so sweet!

* School is going the same as always. Busy, lots of projects to work on and not enough time to do them. I'm currently working on a research proposal to study the usefulness of information literacy programs in technical college settings, an essay on a controversial topic in collection development (I've yet to pick my topic) and generally trying to catch up on readings and quizzes as I'm a few weeks behind...

* The kids are over summer vacation, or at least they are over being with each other 24/7. They are constantly fighting and screaming at each other, and Fiona has a major breakdown at least 3 times a day. When does school start?

* On the plus side, Fiona is back in gymnastics and doing great, and I found a new class for Saskia called "Cheernastics". It's gymnastics with a little bit of cheer thrown in. Since cheerleading is the one sport that she is interested in, this seems like a good way to trick her into doing the workout she'll need in order to gain the strength necessary to one day be a cheerleader.

* That's about it. For the weekend we have no big plans, just grill something and maybe hang out at the park for a bit.

Wishing all of you a great 4th of July weekend, love and hugs, C.

I am SUCH a dork!

2008-06-29T18:45:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling rather unloved because my last two posts had no comments every time I checked on them. I went tonight to publish a new post and for the first time in two days had a look at my "dashboard" only to see that there were 15 comments awaiting moderation! I am such a dork, I totally forgot that when I went public (just for you, Jules baby) I set the comments to requiring moderation. Duh. At least I know now that my friends do still love me. Now can you see me blushing through the computer?

I think I'd better undo that darn moderation thing! Oh, and Joss love, I got your comment but deleted it after saving your info so that the whole world won't get ahold of your number.

Love ya'll.

When a Bee's Got to Pee

2008-06-28T21:16:00.001-04:00

"When a Bee's got to pee, a Bee's got to pee!"

My 4 year old daughter said this to me a few weeks ago and all I could think was, "WTF?" Oookay... but since then I've discovered where she got this pearl of wisdom, from The Mighty B, a new show on Nickelodeon. I have to say, both my daughters and myself are nuts about this show. Bessie, the main character is "the world's most ambitious Honeybee Scout". She is also a complete geek. Being a certified geek myself, I can really relate to the antics of Bessie, and the other characters crack me up, especially Portia and her mom, Mrs. Gibbons. Don't we all know mom's like this one?

When the music's over...

2008-06-22T23:43:00.001-04:00

turn out the lights. Well, the music isn't really over Jim, it's just moved.

For those of you in the know, yes, I'm referring to the end of my Maya's Mom life. I've been on MM just short of one year now. It's served me well, linked me to several fantastic, fabulous friends. I am grateful to MM for the people it has brought me in contact with, grateful for the support those people have given me, the good times they brought and the bad times they carried me through. But in the words of a dear friend, it's time to move on.

As my fellow MMers (and ex-MMers) know, a few months ago we had some very bad ju-ju on the site. Several wonderful people were stalked, threatened and harassed by a certifiable psycho in SAHM's clothing. I told myself all along that I wasn't deeply affected by it, I thought I handled the situation with class and discernment, I thought I didn't let it get to me. But since then I have found myself participating less and less in the site. I found that I am not as cool as I thought I was. I found that my trust had been broken, and that I was incapable of letting new people in. So I stuck to my group of friends and became more and more discontented with the site. Eventually I had to realize it wasn't just the place, it was me.

I'm happy to be moving on, to be turning over a new leaf with this brand-new blog of mine. I hope very much that my friends I met through MM will stay in touch with me here. I want to say thank-you to them, for all they've given me. You are a wonderful group of women, and I appreciate each of you. I wish you all the best in your life journey, and hope I continue to be a part of it.

XOXO ~Chrissi

A long story and a telling dream

2008-06-21T23:29:00.000-04:00

There's a story I've been meaning to share with my newer friends for a long time, but I've never quite managed to get up the energy. It's the story of an old friend, a strange conflict and a year of silence. It ends, or continues, with a strongly telling dream.

I had a friend when I lived overseas. This friend and I met in a baby play group, our first-born are about 6 months apart. We connected at first because we were two ex-pats from the same country in a foreign place, but we found over time we had a lot in common. There was a lot different too. She is much more outgoing than me, much more vibrant, much more demanding. She has a big heart and can be very generous, but can also be very selfish. She lives constantly surrounded by drama and needs people very, very much. I on the other hand love people, but also need my alone time. I rarely ask for favors, and don't expect people to be there for me at the drop of a pin. But we are both introspective, we are both spiritually inclined, and we have a lot of spooky similar characteristics that have caused us to say at times that we must be long lost relatives of some kind.

This friend became over time my best friend. We talked every day on the phone for hours at a time, for about 4 years. However things weren't always great. Like sisters, we had fights. At one point she stopped talking to me for about 3 months. She was upset with life-choices I had made (hates my husband, didn't think I should go through with my second pregnancy) and didn't want to be around me. It hurt me terribly, as she was my only friend and my only connection in that country. She forgave ME my indiscretions shortly before my second was born and we went back to being friends. But I never really forgave her for abandoning me.

To step back for a moment, I have to say this is our pattern, my pattern. She gets upset with me, I apologize. I never tell her when I'm upset with her. I hold it all inside and let it build, not healthy, just my way.

After my second was born I had major PPD. My husband was in another country, I was alone in a foreign place with no money, no family, no car, and two children under the age of 3. And my best friend was going through a split with her man and would call for hours to cry on my shoulder. My shoulders were too weak for that. I felt she only came back to me as a friend because she needed my support, but she wasn't giving me hers. Lots of little things contributed to the feeling, but it was a bleak time.

We went on the same way for another year and half or so. Then I moved to the States. We still talked every day, sometimes for hours. She came and visited us several times. But that in itself was the root of more problems.

To make a long story a little shorter, she and my husband hate each other with a passion. Her visits became increasingly problematic and stressful for me. Without going into a lot of detail as to why, I began to develop a lot of resentment towards her. I felt taken advantage of, yet again.

One year ago she was supposed to come visit and stay for several weeks. She never asked if she could come, just planned it. I gave as many subtle hints as I could that it was a bad idea before I had to flat out say she couldn't come. She was horribly upset and we fought and cried for hours. Then we didn't speak for a week. She called again and we discussed everything and I thought we were fine. But I haven't heard from her since.

After a few weeks it was clear there was a problem. I was going through my own stresses and didn't feel strong enough to deal with her. I knew I would get all the blame for everything, as usual. And I was feeling angry about a lot of past things I had never let out. So I didn't call.

It's been almost exactly a year since we last spoke. I think of her and her children often and I think of calling or writing, but I still don't want to deal with the fallout. However...

a couple of days ago my eldest had a fight with her best friend. I was telling her how every friendship has problems, all friends fight, the important thing is to work it out. I felt like such a hypocrite! That night I had a dream that my friend and her children came to visit. We had a long talk and in the end we hugged and I told her how much I had missed her. I woke up with a pit in my stomach, thinking it was real. Admitting to myself for the first time honestly that I do miss her.

I still don't know if I am ready to open the can of worms, however I think I'm a good step closer. Perhaps one of these days I'll sit down and write her a letter like this one, in which I let her know how I feel. Perhaps soon...

Getting started is the hardest part

2008-06-21T19:57:00.000-04:00

Whenever I have a big project to do, or any homework for that matter, I find myself procrastinating getting started for the longest time. Hours, days, weeks.... Even with a deadline, I will put off that starting moment as long as I can. I don't know why, once I do start I plug along and it's not that bad. I sometimes even enjoy it! But for whatever reason I just hate to start something...

What I love about my job

2008-06-19T21:06:00.001-04:00

For anyone who doesn't know, I work as a librarian at a small, private college. My job has it's ups and downs, like any job. Sometimes I get frustrated dealing with the corporate policies and seemingly irrational decisions that get passed down for us to deal with. Sometimes I question whether this is the place for me. But there is one saving grace that makes it all worth while, the interaction I get to have with the students.

It's funny in a way, because when I started library school I wasn't interested in serving the public at all. I had no interest in reference and thought I would spend my days in technical services or the IT department, working with the backbones of the library. Imagine how shocked I was when I started working and found that I liked helping people answer their questions. And over the year I've spent here that like has turned to love. I love working with students, I love connecting them with information they wouldn't otherwise find.

The students here often come from hard or disadvantaged backgrounds. They are trying make a better life for themselves, for their families. But it can be hard to succeed academically when you have never been given the skills necessary for a college career. If you've never learned how to use a library, never learned how to find, evaluate or cite information, it's hard to succeed. That's where I come in.

The beginning of each new quarter I spend most of my working hours going into classrooms and teaching students how to use our virtual library, how to search databases for articles or books and how to evaluate websites. I often feel like a saleswoman during these presentations, trying to convince the students with my pitch that yes indeed, these are the resources for you! Save time, save work, impress your instructors! Let me show you how it's done!

At the end of each session I feel wiped out, but in a good way. This is my passion, opening these student's eyes to the world of information. It's hard work, but it's worth every effort if I've reached even one of them. It's my passion, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

A little about me...

2008-06-18T10:59:00.000-04:00

or conversely titled, "why I'm starting a blog".

My name is Christina, aka Chrissi and I am a 30-something mom, librarian and graduate student. I've been blogging via a social networking site called Maya's Mom for almost a year now, and I've decided to strike it out on my own. The majority of my first posts will be older imports from journal entries I wrote on Maya's Mom. I want to keep all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. When I get caught up with that I will attempt to entertain you with some of the newer antics stemming from my crazy, hectic life.

Gratitude

2008-06-17T00:26:00.000-04:00

Today I am grateful for my husband, without whose help I could never do all that I do. He works hard all day at his job, then comes home and works hard around the house to cook, clean, shop and care for the kids so that I can study and go to classes. He's a good dad and he loves his children very much, he'd do anything for them. He's way more fun than me and most of the time less strict then I am as well, and the kids love him with every fiber of their being.

Tattoos

2008-06-13T00:25:00.000-04:00

I'm too lazy to take pictures of my tattoos, but I still wanted to write something.

I have 2 tattoos. The one on my left leg I honestly regret. I was 18 and I just really wanted a tattoo, without knowing what. So I just picked a design I liked in a parlor. It's a sort of gypsy, fortune teller figure, like something out of a dungeon's and dragon's comic book. I liked it at the time because it was beautiful and represented the mystical side of me. I don't like it now because it has little connect to my present life. And at about 4 inches high it's damn inconvinient, I can never wear skirts or dresses to work. I've thought about getting it removed but I don't have the money and I'm worried about scarring. I guess now she serves as a symbol of the danger of acting without thinking.

My other tattoo is on my right ankle, right on the bone (hurt like hell!). I got it when I was 16. A friend did it with a needle and ink and it looks like a jail-house tattoo. It's a small Celtic sun symbol. I was really into Wicca at the time and I like the image.

My friend died when he was only 20 and I was reluctant to do anything with the tattoo for a long time, but now that I'm turning 32 and have had this for half my life I feel it is time to make a change. So for my birthday this year I am going to get the sun symbol redone and put a moon symbol on the opposite side, then have them connected into an anklet design. In the bands of the anklets I will have my two daughter's names written. The design will symbolize the interconnectedness between light and dark, good and bad, and how my love for my daughters carries me through both, again and again, never ending.

Our Girl Scout camping adventure

2008-06-09T00:22:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, my six year old daughter and I went camping this weekend at a Mother/Daughter event through Girl Scouts. Here's a little photo chronicle of the trip...

Friday night we arrived way early because I was the OPF (Outdoor Program Facilitator) for our troop house. I met "my" First-Aider and one of her friends, both of whom rocked and made the weekend 1000 times better than it would have been had they not been there. I was supposed to build a fire for our house that night, but it kept storming, then stopping, then starting again. So no fire...

Several of the people staying in our house (36 in all) arrived really late, which threw our schedule off a lot. One mom came in late and had a huge fit over the bunks that were left for her and her girls. I hadn't even met her yet and she was in my face, screaming, saying someone had to move or she would be too hot, that we had to give her our fan (as OPF I was allowed to bring one to set up in the main room, but this mom was so late all the beds in the main room were taken and she was in a seperate room), that she was never coming to camp again (like I should care?!) etc. So the first night was very unplesant, stuck in the cabin as we were.

I'll just stop to say a little something about being "in charge" here. I kind of liked it because I got to make the rules and set the tone of the experience. So no stewing privately because I didn't like how others were behaving, I got to tell them exactly what to do and when to do it (talking about things like light's out, cleaning etc). On the other hand I had to deal with all the shitty problem people and ended up doing way more than my fair share of work. It was pretty exhausting.

Saturday morning we walked the 1 mile or so down to the dining hall for breakfast. Almost the entire day was spent here. This is a picture of Saskia with some of her new friends before breakfast.

After breakfast was scrapbooking, which Saskia really is in to, a good choice for her.

During this time the girls got to go out in small groups for a 45 minute long planetarium thing (they had one of those portable ones). The theme for the weekend was two-fold, partly "tea party" and partly space and stars, another good fit for my little astronomer.

After that Saskia and I went on a 30 minute hike and visited the camp store. Then came lunch, followed by Try-It work. She earned the "Space Explorer" Try-It this weekend. At this point mom was so sick of crafts, but there were more to come! Try-It work was followed by a teapot painting party. Actually they were teapot shaped coasters. Then we had a tea party, here's my munchkin enjoying her petits fours:

Then, finally at 3:00 (what do you mean it's only 3:00!!!! It feels like I've been up for 15 hours at least) we went boating. We didn't know it until we docked, but we rowed a field mouse all around the lake. It jumped out of it's hiding place when we hit the dock and ran up the boat, under all the girl's feet, causing them to scream and jump and nearly tip us over. It's amazing that no one fell in. We tried to convince them it was cool, after all how many girls can say they've given a mouse a boat ride?

Here's a really horrible picture of me with my girlie and a cute one of her rowing the boat:

After boating was dinner, then the Ford Amateur Astronomy Club came out and gave us a presentation about the Solar System, planets, constallations and the like. They brought 5 massive telescopes (which I forgot to take a picture of, bummer) for the girls to star gaze. We were supposed to be able to see Saturn and Jupiter, but the clouds were way to thick, no one could see anything. I did find out there is a free planetarium in the town next to ours though, so I promised to take my daughter there soon.

Minus the star-gazing we spent the rest of the evening around the campfire.

We sang lots of songs that I remembered from my days in Campfire as a girl, it was very sentimental I admit I nearly cried. I'm a dork, I know.

We were back at the cabin around 10pm and started cleaning and packing for the next day. Interestingly 6 of the moms in our house bailed, some with legit reasons others not. So the last 7 moms were left to do all the cleaning (Girl Scouts always leave a place cleaner than they found it!). In the end it was probably good that some of them left, as one was the b**** from Friday night and her bff and I found out Sunday morning that the rumor in their troop was that they were bringing alcohol to the event, which is strictly forbidden. They did pack in a huge cooler so I bet the rumors were true. Just what I would have needed after that long day, drunken loud-mouths to kick out.

Sunday we had to finish cleaning, had breakfast, loaded the car and checked out.

All in all it was an awesome weekend, despite the responsibilities and the few difficult people I encountered. Saskia and I had some great bonding time. I am so greatful to the moms of these 3 girls, they and their daughters were so welcoming and kind to us and included us in their group without a second thought. That's what Girl Scouts is supposed to be! I'm also thankful to the awesome volunteers, especially the older girls who did a great job entertaining and working with our little ones. I hope to have such grounded teens!

It was a trip to remember forever.

The party

2008-05-20T00:20:00.000-04:00

We celebrated Fiona's 4th birthday this Sunday. I'd love to show you pictures, but my camera is off at the Kodak repair center and I don't know how to upload stuff from DH's camera (or should I say, I'm too lazy to spend time figuring it out).

Sunday morning was crazy stressful with baking the cake, cleaning and decorating. DH helped clean, which is awesome. I know I am lucky to have a man who helps so much around the house. At least, that is my mantra which I tell myself over and over again when it takes him 5 times as long to get anything done as it would've taken me. :)

My bf irl came over at one to help decorate. Between her kids and mine all of the straightening up I had done for hours before was destroyed in about 20 minutes, LOL.

At two the other guests started to arrive. I had planned out our 2 1/2 hours as following: 2-2:30 make-overs, 2:30-2:50 pin drop game, 2:50-3:10 bowling game, 3:10-3:30 musical chairs, 3:30-3:50 story game, 3:50-4:30 cake, presents and some free play time at the end. Well, it didn't quite go that way! We were done with the first 4 events by 3:00, so then we went into free play. There was a fight between two girls, and one wanted to leave so we jumped ahead and did the story game early, then went back for a little free play until cake & ice cream time.

It was interesting because the girls didn't play together as a group, they divided up into pairs based on who knew each other before the party. The 4 eldest girls were more or less on their own in two pairs for the whole party. Fiona and the other two little girls sort of played on their own. All in all it was a nice party, just a little strange with the dynamics between some of the girls.

By the time 4:30 rolled around I was exhausted! After cleaning up a little I had to sit down and try to get my head together, as I had an e-conference at 6:00. I managed to get through that, then I was DONE. I went to bed at 9pm!

It was a great weekend and a fun party; now it's back to the grindstone. I have lots of projects due this week so I won't be around much. Lots of love to everyone!

When I was little I wanted to be...

2008-05-15T00:18:00.000-04:00

When I was little, up until the age of 8 or so I wanted to be an archaeologist or Egyptologist. I was fascinated by ancient cultures and used to read lots of historical fiction, I even wrote a report in the 3rd or 4th grad about the mummification process.

Starting somewhere are 4th or 5th grade I became fascinated by the law. I watched LA Law all the time, carried a briefcase instead of a backpack to school and planned to become a prosecuting attorney, I even had my school picked out, Gonzaga University in Washington. I worshiped Sandra Day O'Conner and dreamed about becoming Attorney General of the US or sitting on the Supreme Court. I wanted to "put the bad guys away".

Later in high school sometime that dream started to fade and I went through a bunch of different career plans, OBGYN, CSI, astronomer, chemist... I loved science in high school.

When I got to college I had a fabulous history professor who rekindled my love of history and archeology, and encouraged me to pursue it. So I got my B.A. in history, with a minor in anthropology/archeology. The problem was, my only career path was to get my PhD and research or teach. I would have enjoyed that, but I was impatient and a little scared. I worked in the library and loved it, so that's when I started thinking about becoming a librarian. I get to combine pieces of all the stuff I like, so it's really the perfect job for me. :)

Mother's Day

2008-05-12T00:17:00.000-04:00

My Mother's Day was mostly lovely. The kids have been itching with anticipation all week. I suppose that is a benefit to them being young, I know in another 5 years they won't give a damn about Mother's Day. But for now, it's right up there with Christmas, except all about Mama.

My dear husband and adorable kids let me sleep in this morning, then brought me breakfast in bed. I got my presents from the girls; lots of homemade cards, a pin cushion that Saskia made me at school, marigolds for my garden, a teddy bear which Saskia bought me when rollerskating INSTEAD OF getting an ice cream cone (which is what the money was for, the darling) and a wooden flower with a picture of Fiona in the middle which she made at preschool. The Paul lugged in his present to me, a patio chair so that I can sit outside and work while the girls play over the summer. As dorky as that sounds, it was really nice. We have no patio furniture and I've been pining for something so that I can let them play outside, as I'm too paranoid to let them out by themselves, yet too busy to stay out for long with them.

Then I spent an hour lounging in bed, drinking coffee and watching America's Next Top Model reruns. At noon I finally turned on my laptop and phone, only to be surprised by another wonderful present, a gift certificate to L'Esprit from my dear friend Cristina, aka HomeSlice! I was in shock, it was such a sweet, considerate thing to do. Thanks again Homey! I have no idea what I have done to earn such fabulous friends as I've made here on MM, but I am so thankful for each and every one of you!

After some time bumming around the Net and MM I made myself get down to business, which was homework. My to-do list by Tuesday: take 2 quizes, write a 2 page paper, and do research for 4 projects. This was the frustrating part of my day. I spent about 3 hours on the research for the first project and came away with little of value. Switched to project 2, found zilch. Took a break, did laundry, and came back to take the 2 online quizes. Did well on those, yay! Had dinner (which DH cooked, because techinically I wasn't supposed to be working today, HA!), gave the kids a bath, rocked my baby in the rocking chair (I can't believe she'll be four on Wednesday!) read to the girls and took them to bed. Got up again and wrote the paper. And here I am. I'm content with the work I did, bummed that I didn't spend more quality time with my kids on this Mother's Day, and full of love for the two little bundles of joy I brought into this world.

Thank you mom and dad

2008-05-06T00:16:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, my parents spent the last 9 days with us here in MI. I delivered them to Windsor, Ontario today, where they will hop on a train to sight-see across Canada on their way home to Washington state.

I am so grateful for my parents. They did so much for us while they were here, from babysitting to home improvement to landscaping to buying us lots of stuff, including filling up my gas tank twice. I suppose as a grown up I should refuse these gifts, and part of me feels very guilty for letting them spend so much money on us. But instead I choose to feel grateful, for the love and assistance they have given us.

My parents live so far away, they can't just babysit on a moment's notice (not even a month's notice!) and they can't do things with us more than once a year or so. They make up for it by spoiling us rotten when they do get the chance to see us. I hope that we can make up for it some day, but in the meantime I will just be grateful that I have such wonderful, loving parents.

Thank you mom and dad, you have no idea how much we appreciate you. Not just for the money you spend, but for the love you show, for the kindness, for the acceptance, for the support and approval you give. We love you.

Just stoppin' by

2008-05-04T00:14:00.000-04:00

To say hi and catch you up on my week...

I've been a little MIA lately and I apologize for not keeping in touch better. My parents have been visiting from Washington state since last Saturday, they are leaving on Monday. It's been really nice. The girls are getting totally spoiled by grandma, who is giving them oodles of attention and playing with them all the time. I don't know what I'll do when she leaves, Fiona especially is going to be devastated to lose her playmate. She'll probably expect ME to pay attention to her, can you imagine?! J/K... kindof...

My dad has been working around the house, he's the ultimate handyman. Him and DH spent a few days removing black mold (eeewww) from one of the basement rooms that we hadn't been using. They re-cemented the floor, put in new wall paneling and carpet and DH has now set it up as an office for himself. It look great and DH is thrilled! Then my dad worked on my yard for me for a couple of days, he pulled out several huge flowerbeds (someone who lived in our house a long time ago was obviously a gardening fanatic, but I don't have the time to maintain their work and everything was horribly overgrown). So now I have big patches of empty earth that will eventually be sewn with new grass, as soon as I make sure all the weed roots are dead.

My parents are great and we get along pretty well. There have been some minor tensions, which usually manifest themselves by everyone being really sarcastic and snarky with each other for a little while before settling down. It's honestly not that bad, which I'm very thankful for.

Dad has also bought us lots of presents, I think he sees how much we struggle to get by and he feels the need to help us out, which I'm cool with. He bought DH a lawnmower and weed-eater (we didn't have a lawnmower!) and I got a water-cooler (woo-hoo, no more plastic bottles giving me a guilty conscious) an some work on my car done. The kids got new shoes and some clothes.

I'll be driving them over to Canada on Monday and I'll be really sad to see them go. We don't get together nearly as often as I'd like and we'll miss each other a lot.

In other news, Fiona's surgery has healed really well and she is doing great. She is totally obsessed with doctor stuff right now and played surgeon for 6 hours straight yesterday, she set up a hospital in her playroom and had several patients to take care of. For some reason she insists that we call her Dr. Melody, don't ask me why...

Saskia is doing great at school and gymnastics, her teacher pulled me aside Thursday night to say that she is the most diligent student he has, that she keeps trying until she gets it right and refuses to give up. That's so wonderful, because those of you who know Saskia may recall that she is normally a quitter, she usually isn't interested in doing something if she can't get it perfect the first time. So I'm really proud of her for devoting herself to this, even if it is the most expensive sport she could have picked.... :)

I'm at the end of my week off from school, classes start again Tuesday. I'll be going full time this summer so you probably won't see as much of me as usual, I'll be juggling a very full load. By the time August rolls around and I get a month off I'll probably be in a vegetative state... oh well.

Fiona's surgery

2008-04-27T00:14:00.000-04:00

Many of you have already read bits and pieces regarding Fiona's surgery, feel free to skip this journal if you like. I'm mostly writing it for myself, as I do not keep a diary or blog my MM journals are the best way for me to remember key events.

We had to be at the hospital on Wed. morning at 10:30. We checked in, then were herded (believe me, this verb is the BEST description of what happened) along with apx. 20 other people to the children's surgery waiting area. This room was horrible. Super loud and overcrowded, with nothing for the kids to do and soap operas blaring on the TV. The receptionist was absolutely apathetic. She refused to get off her butt for any reason. She had no PA, so every time she would call a patient only those people sitting next to her desk could hear her. Things like that are particularly annoying to me, like nails on a chalkboard. As if I wasn't antsy enough!

We had to sit in this horrible room with a hungry, thirsty and bored 3 year old for nearly 2 hours. Then we were called back to the actual hospital bit. The nurses there were very nice and helped me lose a little bit of the anger I was feeling towards the place. We had to wait again for about 45 minutes for the anesthesiologist to come check Fiona out. She had a slight cough so the first one called in a second, who called in a third.... I guess any kind of respiratory problem can be a complication with anesthesiology so they wanted to make sure she was okay. They gave her a clean bill of health and prepped her for the surgery. I got to put on the full gear (mask, head cover, gown) and carry her into the OR. I laid her down and held her hands while she breathed in the stuff to put her to sleep... It was awful, I was glad to be there for her but seeing the fear and panic in her eyes was terrible. Still she was very brave, didn't cry or move. When she was out I gave her a kiss and a nurse rushed me out.

The next hour was very nerve wracking. I broke down and cried when I walked out, it was so awful to see her lying on the table unconscious. She was supposed to be in for about 45 minutes, once that hit I started to panic, "Why haven't they called us yet?!"

After about an hour the doctor called, she did fine. She was taken to a recovery room until she woke up, then moved to a waking room, at which point Paul and I were able to join her. She was sleeping when we came in, looked like a little angel. I felt so happy to see her okay, and also so bad that I had put her through this experience.

She was groggy for a while and complaining of pain, but they sent us home anyway. Once home, she would have flair ups of pain which got worse as the day wore on. By 9pm she was screaming in pain... she also had a fever so I called the hospital. The doctor I talked to was very relaxed and kept insisting once she peed (which she hadn't yet) she'd be fine. The problem was she was refusing to go. Finally around 9:30pm I got her to more or less fall asleep on the loo and she relaxed enough to let go. After that she was much better.

Before we move on to Thursday, let me say something about how we were feeling. Before the surgery all I had told her was that she was going to go to the hospital, go to sleep, wake up and come home. Because of that she did really well in the hospital and very brave. But afterward she was traumatized. When she saw her scar for the first time she freaked. I told her it was where the doctor fixed her boo-boo and she screamed, "What boo-boo?!" Duh, she didn't even know there was anything wrong. Now all of a sudden she goes to sleep and wakes up with a scar? How horrible.

There were other signs that the experience was traumatic. She would have these flashes of panic and bursts of crying for no reason. She freaked out about getting her first dose of medicine and screamed "Not the mask!" Since then I have to keep reassuring her that "the mask" is only at the hospital.

She's been very clingy, very demanding and very frayed. It didn't help that Thursday she got slammed with a bad sinus infection which made her fever shoot up to 102 degrees and left her with a headache that wouldn't go away. She cried for 3 hours straight until I switched her from the Tylenol with codeine that the hospital had given us to plain Motrin. 30 minutes later her fever and headache were gone and she got out of bed for the first time since she came home. Friday we took her to the pediatrician and he prescribed antibiotics to get her over that hurdle.

Now she is on the road to recovery. She is still emotionally tender, in fact she had a panic attack/melt-down this morning at 6:30am because I had to go to work. She NEVER cries because I'm going to work.

Her physical recovery will also take longer than the doctor led us to believe, in fact everything has been worse than anyone made it out to be, which pisses me off. I understand not wanting parents to worry but they should be allowed to know the truth about what to expect.

I've written a lot here, I'd be surprised if anyone is still with me. Just a few last words on the emotional impact of this minor surgery:

*It wasn't minor to us. It was nerve-wracking, and it was traumatic. Not the same trauma as if, say, your child had a major accident but traumatic all the same.

*It was traumatic for Fiona. Even though she can't remember the surgery, she KNOWS that something happened to her and her psyche is affected. She's nervous and scared and I hate that.

Pffft. I'm sure there is more I wanted to note down about this, I should've journaled two days ago while it was fresh but now my brain is jelly. If anyone has read this all, thanks for listening!

Pajama Rama

2008-04-15T00:13:00.000-04:00

Saturday night was our big Girl Scout event, The Pajama Rama Skate and Slumber party. My troop has been looking forward to the event for months, it's what we raised funds for while selling cookies and the girls ask about it at every meeting. My daughter was on pins and needles all of last week, she couldn't focus on anything, she was so excited.

We met at the roller rink at 10:00pm. On the way S and I stopped at Target, to buy her a pair of her very own rollerblades. After the other leaders and I got the troop settled in, I went off to rent some skates. I probably haven't skated since I was 13 or so, I was nervous but it came back to me really quickly. From then on it was just fun! All of the girl's moms came with them, so I didn't have to worry about anyone except my daughter. We skated, played air hockey, and goofed around. At 1am they had a make-over, and at 2am was the pajama fashion show, followed by dancing until 3. At 3 lights went out and we were supposed to sleep on the rink, but it was way too loud and the girls were way too hyped to sleep!

S was actually tired and getting mad that she couldn't sleep, so I bribed her with donuts and we took off at 4am. The event was over at 5am anyway, so we didn't miss much. We came home and crashed until 11. When we got up she clearly didn't want our time to be over, as she asked me to read to her in bed for nearly an hour.

It was fabulous, we had so much fun! At one point the DJ played "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and I nearly cried, it felt like I was the 6 year old!

Normally S and I butt heads a lot, we are way too much alike personality wise! But this night was special, no fights, just lots of love to go around. I'll remember it forever.