What I've Done

Anyone who is my friend on Facebook already knows that I went to see Linkin Park play at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit Tuesday night. It was, as Fiona would put it, OSUM! I don't want to forget a thing, so here's what I remember seeing, thinking and feeling. Warning, really long post to follow. I've split it up with headers so you can skip to the actual LP show if you want.

BEFORE THE SHOW
The show was scheduled to start at 7pm. I work downtown, so I went in to the office late and stayed until 6. It was a short drive (less than 5 minutes) to the Joe Louis but my anxiety was in full swing. What if I couldn't get parking? What if I got lost? What if someone accosted me on my way to or from my car (this IS Detroit we're talking about!)? Around 5, I poured myself some coffee to hopefully give me a jolt long enough to last through my drive home, but I about halfway through drinking it I noticed my hands were sweating, and I was having hot and cold flashes. These are the first two signals my body sends me when I'm starting to have a panic attack. Shit. Thankfully I carry Xanax for just such emergencies and when I notice the signs early enough, one little pill can prevent me from having a full fledged panic attack (which SUCKS. If you've never had one, you have no idea how much. I hope you never have to learn). So I popped the pill, dumped the coffee (caffeine + anxiety = BAD) and calmed myself down enough to get on my way safely.

AT THE ARENA
Driving to the Joe Louis was a piece of cake, and parking was great. There was security EVERYWHERE. Guess us Linkin Park fans can be a rowdy lot. I was pleased to see that I wasn't the only middle-aged, 'normal' looking person in the crowd. Sure, there were a lot of punk kids but there were also couples who I could easily work with or attend a PTA meeting with. Entering the arena, the first thing I noticed was alcohol everywhere. In addition to vendors selling it every few yards, there were guys selling cans of beer in at the foot of every set of doors to the arena itself. Oy. Personally, I don't like to drink at concerts, I want to remember every second and not be a bit foggy. But I knew I'd be surrounded by drunks and I was a little afraid of what kind of people I'd be sitting next to. Did I mention yet that I was all alone?! No protection!

I was in my seat by 6:15 and spent my time waiting for the show to start feverishly checking Facebook. I was very glad to have a smart phone to be able to keep in touch with friends, it made me feel less alone. The two seats on either side of me stayed open until Linkin Park started, which was kind of weird, but kind of nice too. The people behind me were drinking steadily, but they never got so drunk as to be obnoxious. The people in front of me did, but I tried my best to ignore them.

THE FIRST TWO BANDS
The first band was a mix of techno and metal. I didn't care for them. No idea what their name was, they were British and the accents mixed with the loud music made it impossible to understand a single word they said. The second band was better, more metal/ hard rock but still I don't think I'd buy their album even if I knew their name. Yes, they were just as unintelligible as the first band. Watching them, and the crowd in the pit in front of the stage (I was in the nosebleed section, as you can see from the photo) was interesting. It reminded me a lot of my early twenties, going to concerts in college and later in Germany where the name of the band or how good they were didn't matter, it was about the experience. The pounding music, the flashing lights made me feel that feeling of being lost in the music again, for a few brief moments. It was cool, and I sort of miss being able to descend that deeply in the music, but in the end my pounding head, aching legs and too present brain let me know that I am way too old for that anymore. It makes me a little sad, but I accept it.

LINKIN PARK!!!
The band opened with New Divide, the theme song from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. This is one of their very few songs that I don't know well, and the only song that made me feel a bit like a poser as everyone around me sang along and I only mouthed the words to the chorus. I honestly can't remember what they played next. One really great thing to their show, if you texted a code to a number during the show, you got emailed a link to an audio download of the ENTIRE show! It's not available yet, but I am so psyched for when I get it and can relieve the entire experience again and again...

DIGRESSION: PLAYLIST
Here's what I can remember of the songs they played, in no particular order:
Numb
Bleed it Out
Iridescent
Crawling
Waiting for the End
Leave Out All the Rest
No More Sorrow
Wisdom, Justice and Love
When They Come For Me
Burning in the Skies
What I've Done
Faint
Papercut
A Place For My Head

I know there was more, they played for about 1.5 hours, but I'm getting confused because I've listened to all their songs so many times that I can't remember if I'm hearing it in my head because they performed it or just because I know it that well and can recall it so easily.

BACK TO THE LINKIN PARK EXPERIENCE
Every song was amazing, they didn't play a single song I don't like. I was super excited when they played a clip from a Martin Luther King Jr. anti-war speech which they put on their album under the title 'Wisdom, Justice, and Love'. The text:

I come to this magnificent house of worship tonight,
Because my conscience leaves me no other choice.
A true revolution of values will lay hands on the world order and say of war:
This way of settling difference is not just.
This business of burning human beings with napalm,
Filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows,
Of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into veins of people normally humane.
Of sending men home from the dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged,
Cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice and love.

They followed it with my current favorite song: Iridescent. This isn't the best sounding video for it, but most closely resembles my experience

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
With no one there to catch you in their arms.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go.
Let it go.

Really, this song, these lyrics, sum up the whole experience for me. I felt so connected to Chester and Mike when they were singing and I really understood where they were coming from, especially Chester. He's got 4 years sober, and most of his music in the last years has been about facing your demons, letting go of your past, forgiving yourself and others. Just look at the lyrics to What I've Done, which is a song I've always loved but never really GOT as well as I did this night. The video is clearly about the shit we humans have done to fuck up the Earth. But watching Chester, singing with him, it was clear to me that the song is about recovery and self-forgiveness.

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

In fact, the whole concert was about recovery and self-forgiveness. It was exactly what I need at this moment in my life and it made me feel so strong and so confident in my choices. So much was illuminated to me about myself, I am so thankful I went. Thank you so much to Chester, Mike and the whole band for being so fucking honest. A lot of people don't like the new sound because they are stuck in the same old rut of hatred, anger and self-loathing, but the new music is about life, love and exploring new things. I love it, I need it, and I'm grateful for it.

Life is Good and Other Things

Alicia over at How I Became a Tattooed Mommy tagged me with this prestigious award. Which is a very good thing for me, since I haven't had much impetuous to write here lately. Perhaps not such a good thing for you, but that's not my problem. In order to accept, I have to thank Alicia (hertzlichen Dank, meine Liebe!) , answer some questions about myself, and pass it on. Here goes!

Q1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously so that you could be anonymous now? As you can tell, I am not anon here. Sometimes I worry about my kid's peers finding dirt on them and blackmailing them with it, but I figure that at least half of their peers' moms have blogs too so I'll just help them dig up dirt in return. I don't think I actually answered the whole question, but you don't mind, do you?

Q2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. Inner stubborn side? My husband would be laughing his ass off right now. Um, let's see... drawing a blank here. I'll try to come back.

Q3. What do you really see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Really, do I have to answer this with honesty? Okay, here goes: sallow, poxy tired skin, frizzy hair, a doughnut around my stomach and butt, yellow teeth, eyebrows that need to be plucked... I could go on but you get the picture. I'm depressed now. thanks self

Q4. What is your favorite summer cold drink? a butter bear over ice from Biggby's. Espresso, caramel, and chocolate. YUM

Q5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do? Surf the web, read blogs, take baths, watch reruns on Netflix. I'm currently working my way through every episode of Stargate ever made. I'm on season 5 out of 10 for SG1. Thank god for the 90's.

Q6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life? get totally out of debt is my #1. After that, save enough money to actually retire someday. that second one probably won't happen. Geez, I'm depressing today! Sorry

Q7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching? I was the overachieving shy person

Q8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see? I'm going to steal from Alicia here, holding my babies for the first time. I still can hear myself saying 'HI, I'm your mommy!' in that amazed, joyous, crying voice as I took Saskia, then 3 years later Fiona, from the doctor's hands. Awwww.

Q9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people or events? I mostly write about myself. I'm too much of a narcissist to devote much energy to writing about other people.

Q10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why? My degree is in Library Science. Does that answer your question?

And now to pass it on: These are all blogs I check DAILY. Which means they totally rock, go read them NOW.

1. Cristina over at HomeSlice
2. Ellie at One Crafty Mother, although she's at Blissdom for the next week so I don't know if she'll post
3. Kara at One Year of Home Schooling Uncensored
4. Sarah at Finding My Ground

striving for new, learning from old

It's the beginning of 2011, so of course my mind has been whirling around thinking of what I should say for that obligatory new year post. I've thought about writing out my resolutions and my take on resolutions, and I've thought about writing what I learned in 2010. So here's a little on each.

2011
I tend to think that big resolutions are silly and pointless. The "I'm gonna change my whole life" types of resolutions rarely are followed through with. Instead I've been trying to make small changes for the good. Here's some changes I'd like to make.

1) Be more aware of the food I eat and more diligent in checking things for allergens. If I can't find out the ingredients of the donuts in the conference room, the peppermint mocha at my favorite shop, or the candy in the dish in my boss's office are, I shouldn't eat them.

2) Run. Okay, so this is actually a big one. I'm doing the couch-to-5K. I have never been a runner, but I know that the exercise my body needs most is cardiovascular. I'm halfway to 40 this year and I can't walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath. Besides, running is free* and will help me with losing some of the baby fat that, considering my youngest baby is going on 7, I really should have lost by now.

Sidebar:I did my first day of the couch-to-5K today and it was wonderful and awful. Wonderful to be outside, moving through my quietly beautiful neighborhood as the snow fell. Awful to be in pain from head to toe after 20 minutes: My back and head hurt the worst, a sharp, jarring pain. My chest hurt, I was gasping for breath, my heart pounding, my legs jelly, the muscles from my feet to my calves aching as they stretched. When I got home I found I was 5 minutes short of the time I was supposed to do, so I did 5 minutes of sun salutations & decided that I should end every run with them. Not only did the poses stretch my legs and back, the deep breathing calmed my heart and lungs and the downward dog (which I hold for 5 breaths) got blood flowing back to my brain, ridding me of the headache. Awesome. I'm actually looking forward to my next session on Saturday.

3) Be kinder and more loving to my husband. If you know me well, you know where I'm coming from with this one. If you don't, you don't need to.

4) Be kinder and more loving to my kids. Fiona in particular needs more affection to fill that never satisfied hole in her, and Saskia is 9. In just a couple more years she's going to hate me, so best I get in some good foundations while I still can.

5) Learn more about my religion and be more involved at Temple, or at least make it to Shabbat services on a more regular basis.

2010
This probably needs it's own post, or a whole series of posts. But since it's on my mind, a few things I learned this year:

1) I am capable of big change. Really. Big. Change. And I'm proud of myself for doing it.

2) Intelligence is a gift to be treasured.

3) I often start sentences with, "I'm not very creative..." as a cop out. But I AM creative. And I enjoy being so.

4) It really IS all up to me. My attitude and my perceptions shape my reality, so I might as well make them good.

5) God is loving. He is not in the habit of punishing people, ever.

6) Humans have free will. So yeah, we fuck up a lot, but we can always make a different choice the next time around. Nothing is predestined.

7) I love Fiona BECAUSE of her idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them.

8) Saskia is WAY too smart for her own good. But just because she has the capability to think as an adult, doesn't mean she is one. She's still a kid. I need to remember that.

9) I have a panic disorder. It is not going away, ever. Accepting that, I can deal with it.

10) My husband is a good guy. He's smart, he's loving, and he accepts me for the crazy bitch that I am. He's a keeper.

Bonus
I am doing less in order to do more. I learned from 2010 that I can't have such a full plate. Kid's activities, volunteer work, my job, my obligations as a mom & wife and human being have been overwhelming me for a long, long time. I learned that it's okay to do less, and in ridding myself of some of my obligations I've found that I have time to do more. I have found time to sew, time to run, time to cuddle up with my hubby and time to play games with my kids. All give me so much more than those extra sports, Girl Scout events, and classes ever did.



*Except for the new shoes, gloves, hat, and sports bra I need to buy just to get started.

It gets better*

I just had a conversation with my daughter; one of those big, meaningful conversations which I as a parent want so desperately to get just right, yet I have no idea what to say. So I pause, and I think, and I try to remember what it was like to be 9, when everything seemed so HUGE. When I had secrets, and fears, and no one to talk to about them; when I believe that betrayals, and mistakes, and bad feelings were forever. Then I open my mouth, and speak from my heart. Tonight I said something like this:

I remember what it was like to be 9. When you're a kid, or a teenager, everything is so big and every situation feels like it will last forever. Secrets feel huge, like their eating your insides. You feel like you have no one to talk to and that you have to handle everything yourself. Things can be so scary, and you worry about making mistakes all the time. One day you'll be in a situation where someone is doing something, or wants you to do something, that feels wrong, like a knot in your stomach. If that hasn't already happened, it will, many times throughout your life. In that moment you have to decide what to do. Do you go with your friends, or with what you know is right? It's really hard to do the right thing, sometimes it feels impossible, like you don't have any choice at all. But there is something you need to know: the only person you have to live with your whole life is yourself. Even though it feels like the end of the world if a friend is mad at you, or stops being your friend, it's not. It gets better. No bad situation or feeling is forever. I know it's hard, but I'm here to help. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to go it alone.



My daughter's know I was bullied in elementary school. We moved to the city when I was going into 5th grade, and my unpopular, uncool, country bumpkin self was the perfect target of the mean, popular girls. They put mean notes in my desk, pinched me and hit me when the teachers weren't looking, ripped up my jacket and bag in the coat room. They told all the other kids that if anyone played with me, they would be shunned by the popular girls. So pretty much no one did, except for one other girl who was equally unpopular. It was a year of hell, and I never told anyone. Why? I look back now and wonder why I thought I had to take care of it myself. Was I too ashamed to tell my parents? Did I think they would make it worse? Or were they just so distant that I didn't think they would care? I wonder why they didn't notice anything, why they didn't question and pry until the truth came out. Maybe they did and I just don't remember, maybe I just wasn't willing to tell. Whatever the case, it was awful, and I was alone, and I don't want my daughters to ever feel anything like that.

The ramifications of bullying exceed so far beyond the initial hazing. My bullies left off after a year, and I was even accepted into their clique for a little while. I went to sleepovers at their homes, hung out with them at school. Why they let me in I will probably never know, but I know why I went so gladly into my tormentors arms: I wanted friendship and I wanted to be part of the 'in' crowd. But even then I knew I wasn't really a part of the group. I was conditioned to see myself as a loser, a loner, and a freak. I was broken, and it was just the beginning.

I'll skip the teenage angst and melodrama, this is after all a sort-of family blog. Sufficed to say, I was miserable for many, many years during which ending it all seemed like a very attractive proposition. Thank God, I never went that far, and a long time later I began to realize that life had gotten better. I realized that if I had acted on those feelings back then, I would've prevented just as much good from happening as bad. I wouldn't have had all the wonderful experiences I've had; traveling in Europe, meeting my husband, having my children.

It gets better. It ALWAYS gets better. No matter how dark, how painful, or how devastating our experiences are, they always pass. I promise.




*I'm not trying to co-opt anything with this title, I just believe in the message. These three words, this phrase, say it all really. The rest is just filler.

And the winner is...

lucky number 19! Congratulations Alicia, you are the winner of Ellie's beautiful raindrop ring and earring set. I'll be contacting you to get your shipping details and you can expect to receive your gift sometime after Ellie returns from her conference in LA.

Thanks everyone for participating!

Happy Holidays!

What?! She's talking about holidays?! It's October, is she nuts?!

Let me explain...

I had this idea last night while perusing the etsy shop of a friend. It seems like many people I know have been putting their creativity to work over and have opened online shops. So I decided that this year, I am going to do my best to do all my holiday shopping from friends. Granted, I can't fulfill all of my children's wishes this way, but parents, siblings, teachers and friends will be easy to shop for given the creativity and talent these ladies possess. And because I have a feeling their products will be in high demand come November & December, I decided to start early! Besides, the first day of Hanukkah is December 2nd, and that's right around the corner!

Then I thought, wouldn't it be great if we all tried to shop this way? Instead of heading for Walmart, Target or the mall this year, how about we all try to support our friends and loved ones in their creative endeavors? Hence, this post. I'd like to start a list of all the amazing, talented people we know and love. If you or one of your friends has a shop you'd like to share with us, please link to it in the comment section and I'll update this post to add the link here. Let's support each other and make this a unique holiday season!

To get us started, check out these fabulous ladies shops:

Shining Stones - Gorgeous jewelry designs by Ellie

Poppy and Prue - Adorable and affordable soy candles by Kate

Sassy Monsters - the cutest baby and kid clothes ever! Sweet, sassy, and well-made, these clothes in Cristina's shop are the bees knees.

FREE STUFF!

Sorry about the spam title, I am just SO EXCITED about this and I couldn't resist! I am hosting my first ever giveaway, courtesy of the amazing Ellie from One Crafty Mother. I honestly can't remember when I discovered Ellie's blog but I know it was in the last year or so and since then it's been my crack. Kidding! Considering that a lot of Ellie's writing concerns her recovery from alcoholism that joke is in pretty bad taste, but in a way it's true. Ellie is a phenomenal writer. Her experiences and insights have so much to offer anyone, no matter what issues they have in their life. I've found a lot of inspiration from her writing, and from her jewelry! At least once a month I go to her store, Shining Stones just to ogle the pretties. So imagine how psyched I was when I received the honor of being able to giveaway TWO of her beautiful pieces right here to one of my lucky friends! See, aren't they gorgeous?!

So now you want to know how to win these pretties right? It's easy, just do one or more of the below to enter! The contest will run until October 15th when I will pick a winner user random.org.

1) Leave a comment with your email address below to let me know you'd like to be entered into the contest (use randomname AT provider DOT com to fool the spam bots)

2) Follow me using Google Friend Connect in the upper left hand corner of my blog, then leave a comment to let me know that you did so.

3) Follow Ellie at One Crafty Mother then leave a comment here to let me know that you did so.

4) Follow Ellie on Twitter : @onecraftyellie then leave me a comment to let me know you did so... but don't ask me how to do it cuz I've never been on Twitter.

5) "Like" Ellie's Facebook page One Crafty Mother and leave me a comment that you did.

6) Go to the shop Shining Stones and leave a comment letting me know your favorite piece with a link back to it. For every comment you leave you get another entry into the contest!

Remember not to nest your comments or they won't count! In addition, for the next two weeks until October 15th you can get a discount in Ellie's shop on any item! To take advantage of the 15% discount, go to Ellie's shop here: www.shiningstones.etsy.com and select your item(s). At checkout, click on "other" for method of payment, and put the following promotional code in the message to seller: GIVEAWAY15. You will get a message saying "contact seller to arrange payment", but Ellie will contact you to set up a direct bill (at the discounted rate) via paypal, check or money order.

So go click! Shop! Comment! Enjoy!