When the music's over...

turn out the lights. Well, the music isn't really over Jim, it's just moved.

For those of you in the know, yes, I'm referring to the end of my Maya's Mom life. I've been on MM just short of one year now. It's served me well, linked me to several fantastic, fabulous friends. I am grateful to MM for the people it has brought me in contact with, grateful for the support those people have given me, the good times they brought and the bad times they carried me through. But in the words of a dear friend, it's time to move on.

As my fellow MMers (and ex-MMers) know, a few months ago we had some very bad ju-ju on the site. Several wonderful people were stalked, threatened and harassed by a certifiable psycho in SAHM's clothing. I told myself all along that I wasn't deeply affected by it, I thought I handled the situation with class and discernment, I thought I didn't let it get to me. But since then I have found myself participating less and less in the site. I found that I am not as cool as I thought I was. I found that my trust had been broken, and that I was incapable of letting new people in. So I stuck to my group of friends and became more and more discontented with the site. Eventually I had to realize it wasn't just the place, it was me.

I'm happy to be moving on, to be turning over a new leaf with this brand-new blog of mine. I hope very much that my friends I met through MM will stay in touch with me here. I want to say thank-you to them, for all they've given me. You are a wonderful group of women, and I appreciate each of you. I wish you all the best in your life journey, and hope I continue to be a part of it.

XOXO ~Chrissi

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for my husband, without whose help I could never do all that I do. He works hard all day at his job, then comes home and works hard around the house to cook, clean, shop and care for the kids so that I can study and go to classes. He's a good dad and he loves his children very much, he'd do anything for them. He's way more fun than me and most of the time less strict then I am as well, and the kids love him with every fiber of their being.

Tattoos

I'm too lazy to take pictures of my tattoos, but I still wanted to write something.

I have 2 tattoos. The one on my left leg I honestly regret. I was 18 and I just really wanted a tattoo, without knowing what. So I just picked a design I liked in a parlor. It's a sort of gypsy, fortune teller figure, like something out of a dungeon's and dragon's comic book. I liked it at the time because it was beautiful and represented the mystical side of me. I don't like it now because it has little connect to my present life. And at about 4 inches high it's damn inconvinient, I can never wear skirts or dresses to work. I've thought about getting it removed but I don't have the money and I'm worried about scarring. I guess now she serves as a symbol of the danger of acting without thinking.

My other tattoo is on my right ankle, right on the bone (hurt like hell!). I got it when I was 16. A friend did it with a needle and ink and it looks like a jail-house tattoo. It's a small Celtic sun symbol. I was really into Wicca at the time and I like the image.

My friend died when he was only 20 and I was reluctant to do anything with the tattoo for a long time, but now that I'm turning 32 and have had this for half my life I feel it is time to make a change. So for my birthday this year I am going to get the sun symbol redone and put a moon symbol on the opposite side, then have them connected into an anklet design. In the bands of the anklets I will have my two daughter's names written. The design will symbolize the interconnectedness between light and dark, good and bad, and how my love for my daughters carries me through both, again and again, never ending.

Our Girl Scout camping adventure

As many of you know, my six year old daughter and I went camping this weekend at a Mother/Daughter event through Girl Scouts. Here's a little photo chronicle of the trip...

Friday night we arrived way early because I was the OPF (Outdoor Program Facilitator) for our troop house. I met "my" First-Aider and one of her friends, both of whom rocked and made the weekend 1000 times better than it would have been had they not been there. I was supposed to build a fire for our house that night, but it kept storming, then stopping, then starting again. So no fire...

Several of the people staying in our house (36 in all) arrived really late, which threw our schedule off a lot. One mom came in late and had a huge fit over the bunks that were left for her and her girls. I hadn't even met her yet and she was in my face, screaming, saying someone had to move or she would be too hot, that we had to give her our fan (as OPF I was allowed to bring one to set up in the main room, but this mom was so late all the beds in the main room were taken and she was in a seperate room), that she was never coming to camp again (like I should care?!) etc. So the first night was very unplesant, stuck in the cabin as we were.

I'll just stop to say a little something about being "in charge" here. I kind of liked it because I got to make the rules and set the tone of the experience. So no stewing privately because I didn't like how others were behaving, I got to tell them exactly what to do and when to do it (talking about things like light's out, cleaning etc). On the other hand I had to deal with all the shitty problem people and ended up doing way more than my fair share of work. It was pretty exhausting.

Saturday morning we walked the 1 mile or so down to the dining hall for breakfast. Almost the entire day was spent here. This is a picture of Saskia with some of her new friends before breakfast.

After breakfast was scrapbooking, which Saskia really is in to, a good choice for her.

During this time the girls got to go out in small groups for a 45 minute long planetarium thing (they had one of those portable ones). The theme for the weekend was two-fold, partly "tea party" and partly space and stars, another good fit for my little astronomer.

After that Saskia and I went on a 30 minute hike and visited the camp store. Then came lunch, followed by Try-It work. She earned the "Space Explorer" Try-It this weekend. At this point mom was so sick of crafts, but there were more to come! Try-It work was followed by a teapot painting party. Actually they were teapot shaped coasters. Then we had a tea party, here's my munchkin enjoying her petits fours:

Then, finally at 3:00 (what do you mean it's only 3:00!!!! It feels like I've been up for 15 hours at least) we went boating. We didn't know it until we docked, but we rowed a field mouse all around the lake. It jumped out of it's hiding place when we hit the dock and ran up the boat, under all the girl's feet, causing them to scream and jump and nearly tip us over. It's amazing that no one fell in. We tried to convince them it was cool, after all how many girls can say they've given a mouse a boat ride?

Here's a really horrible picture of me with my girlie and a cute one of her rowing the boat:

After boating was dinner, then the Ford Amateur Astronomy Club came out and gave us a presentation about the Solar System, planets, constallations and the like. They brought 5 massive telescopes (which I forgot to take a picture of, bummer) for the girls to star gaze. We were supposed to be able to see Saturn and Jupiter, but the clouds were way to thick, no one could see anything. I did find out there is a free planetarium in the town next to ours though, so I promised to take my daughter there soon.

Minus the star-gazing we spent the rest of the evening around the campfire.

We sang lots of songs that I remembered from my days in Campfire as a girl, it was very sentimental I admit I nearly cried. I'm a dork, I know.

We were back at the cabin around 10pm and started cleaning and packing for the next day. Interestingly 6 of the moms in our house bailed, some with legit reasons others not. So the last 7 moms were left to do all the cleaning (Girl Scouts always leave a place cleaner than they found it!). In the end it was probably good that some of them left, as one was the b**** from Friday night and her bff and I found out Sunday morning that the rumor in their troop was that they were bringing alcohol to the event, which is strictly forbidden. They did pack in a huge cooler so I bet the rumors were true. Just what I would have needed after that long day, drunken loud-mouths to kick out.

Sunday we had to finish cleaning, had breakfast, loaded the car and checked out.

All in all it was an awesome weekend, despite the responsibilities and the few difficult people I encountered. Saskia and I had some great bonding time. I am so greatful to the moms of these 3 girls, they and their daughters were so welcoming and kind to us and included us in their group without a second thought. That's what Girl Scouts is supposed to be! I'm also thankful to the awesome volunteers, especially the older girls who did a great job entertaining and working with our little ones. I hope to have such grounded teens!

It was a trip to remember forever.

The party

We celebrated Fiona's 4th birthday this Sunday. I'd love to show you pictures, but my camera is off at the Kodak repair center and I don't know how to upload stuff from DH's camera (or should I say, I'm too lazy to spend time figuring it out).

Sunday morning was crazy stressful with baking the cake, cleaning and decorating. DH helped clean, which is awesome. I know I am lucky to have a man who helps so much around the house. At least, that is my mantra which I tell myself over and over again when it takes him 5 times as long to get anything done as it would've taken me. :)

My bf irl came over at one to help decorate. Between her kids and mine all of the straightening up I had done for hours before was destroyed in about 20 minutes, LOL.

At two the other guests started to arrive. I had planned out our 2 1/2 hours as following: 2-2:30 make-overs, 2:30-2:50 pin drop game, 2:50-3:10 bowling game, 3:10-3:30 musical chairs, 3:30-3:50 story game, 3:50-4:30 cake, presents and some free play time at the end. Well, it didn't quite go that way! We were done with the first 4 events by 3:00, so then we went into free play. There was a fight between two girls, and one wanted to leave so we jumped ahead and did the story game early, then went back for a little free play until cake & ice cream time.

It was interesting because the girls didn't play together as a group, they divided up into pairs based on who knew each other before the party. The 4 eldest girls were more or less on their own in two pairs for the whole party. Fiona and the other two little girls sort of played on their own. All in all it was a nice party, just a little strange with the dynamics between some of the girls.

By the time 4:30 rolled around I was exhausted! After cleaning up a little I had to sit down and try to get my head together, as I had an e-conference at 6:00. I managed to get through that, then I was DONE. I went to bed at 9pm!

It was a great weekend and a fun party; now it's back to the grindstone. I have lots of projects due this week so I won't be around much. Lots of love to everyone!

When I was little I wanted to be...

When I was little, up until the age of 8 or so I wanted to be an archaeologist or Egyptologist. I was fascinated by ancient cultures and used to read lots of historical fiction, I even wrote a report in the 3rd or 4th grad about the mummification process.

Starting somewhere are 4th or 5th grade I became fascinated by the law. I watched LA Law all the time, carried a briefcase instead of a backpack to school and planned to become a prosecuting attorney, I even had my school picked out, Gonzaga University in Washington. I worshiped Sandra Day O'Conner and dreamed about becoming Attorney General of the US or sitting on the Supreme Court. I wanted to "put the bad guys away".

Later in high school sometime that dream started to fade and I went through a bunch of different career plans, OBGYN, CSI, astronomer, chemist... I loved science in high school.

When I got to college I had a fabulous history professor who rekindled my love of history and archeology, and encouraged me to pursue it. So I got my B.A. in history, with a minor in anthropology/archeology. The problem was, my only career path was to get my PhD and research or teach. I would have enjoyed that, but I was impatient and a little scared. I worked in the library and loved it, so that's when I started thinking about becoming a librarian. I get to combine pieces of all the stuff I like, so it's really the perfect job for me. :)

Mother's Day

My Mother's Day was mostly lovely. The kids have been itching with anticipation all week. I suppose that is a benefit to them being young, I know in another 5 years they won't give a damn about Mother's Day. But for now, it's right up there with Christmas, except all about Mama.



My dear husband and adorable kids let me sleep in this morning, then brought me breakfast in bed. I got my presents from the girls; lots of homemade cards, a pin cushion that Saskia made me at school, marigolds for my garden, a teddy bear which Saskia bought me when rollerskating INSTEAD OF getting an ice cream cone (which is what the money was for, the darling) and a wooden flower with a picture of Fiona in the middle which she made at preschool. The Paul lugged in his present to me, a patio chair so that I can sit outside and work while the girls play over the summer. As dorky as that sounds, it was really nice. We have no patio furniture and I've been pining for something so that I can let them play outside, as I'm too paranoid to let them out by themselves, yet too busy to stay out for long with them.



Then I spent an hour lounging in bed, drinking coffee and watching America's Next Top Model reruns. At noon I finally turned on my laptop and phone, only to be surprised by another wonderful present, a gift certificate to L'Esprit from my dear friend Cristina, aka HomeSlice! I was in shock, it was such a sweet, considerate thing to do. Thanks again Homey! I have no idea what I have done to earn such fabulous friends as I've made here on MM, but I am so thankful for each and every one of you!



After some time bumming around the Net and MM I made myself get down to business, which was homework. My to-do list by Tuesday: take 2 quizes, write a 2 page paper, and do research for 4 projects. This was the frustrating part of my day. I spent about 3 hours on the research for the first project and came away with little of value. Switched to project 2, found zilch. Took a break, did laundry, and came back to take the 2 online quizes. Did well on those, yay! Had dinner (which DH cooked, because techinically I wasn't supposed to be working today, HA!), gave the kids a bath, rocked my baby in the rocking chair (I can't believe she'll be four on Wednesday!) read to the girls and took them to bed. Got up again and wrote the paper. And here I am. I'm content with the work I did, bummed that I didn't spend more quality time with my kids on this Mother's Day, and full of love for the two little bundles of joy I brought into this world.

Thank you mom and dad

As many of you know, my parents spent the last 9 days with us here in MI. I delivered them to Windsor, Ontario today, where they will hop on a train to sight-see across Canada on their way home to Washington state.

I am so grateful for my parents. They did so much for us while they were here, from babysitting to home improvement to landscaping to buying us lots of stuff, including filling up my gas tank twice. I suppose as a grown up I should refuse these gifts, and part of me feels very guilty for letting them spend so much money on us. But instead I choose to feel grateful, for the love and assistance they have given us.

My parents live so far away, they can't just babysit on a moment's notice (not even a month's notice!) and they can't do things with us more than once a year or so. They make up for it by spoiling us rotten when they do get the chance to see us. I hope that we can make up for it some day, but in the meantime I will just be grateful that I have such wonderful, loving parents.

Thank you mom and dad, you have no idea how much we appreciate you. Not just for the money you spend, but for the love you show, for the kindness, for the acceptance, for the support and approval you give. We love you.

Just stoppin' by

To say hi and catch you up on my week...



I've been a little MIA lately and I apologize for not keeping in touch better. My parents have been visiting from Washington state since last Saturday, they are leaving on Monday. It's been really nice. The girls are getting totally spoiled by grandma, who is giving them oodles of attention and playing with them all the time. I don't know what I'll do when she leaves, Fiona especially is going to be devastated to lose her playmate. She'll probably expect ME to pay attention to her, can you imagine?! J/K... kindof...



My dad has been working around the house, he's the ultimate handyman. Him and DH spent a few days removing black mold (eeewww) from one of the basement rooms that we hadn't been using. They re-cemented the floor, put in new wall paneling and carpet and DH has now set it up as an office for himself. It look great and DH is thrilled! Then my dad worked on my yard for me for a couple of days, he pulled out several huge flowerbeds (someone who lived in our house a long time ago was obviously a gardening fanatic, but I don't have the time to maintain their work and everything was horribly overgrown). So now I have big patches of empty earth that will eventually be sewn with new grass, as soon as I make sure all the weed roots are dead.



My parents are great and we get along pretty well. There have been some minor tensions, which usually manifest themselves by everyone being really sarcastic and snarky with each other for a little while before settling down. It's honestly not that bad, which I'm very thankful for.



Dad has also bought us lots of presents, I think he sees how much we struggle to get by and he feels the need to help us out, which I'm cool with. He bought DH a lawnmower and weed-eater (we didn't have a lawnmower!) and I got a water-cooler (woo-hoo, no more plastic bottles giving me a guilty conscious) an some work on my car done. The kids got new shoes and some clothes.



I'll be driving them over to Canada on Monday and I'll be really sad to see them go. We don't get together nearly as often as I'd like and we'll miss each other a lot.



In other news, Fiona's surgery has healed really well and she is doing great. She is totally obsessed with doctor stuff right now and played surgeon for 6 hours straight yesterday, she set up a hospital in her playroom and had several patients to take care of. For some reason she insists that we call her Dr. Melody, don't ask me why...



Saskia is doing great at school and gymnastics, her teacher pulled me aside Thursday night to say that she is the most diligent student he has, that she keeps trying until she gets it right and refuses to give up. That's so wonderful, because those of you who know Saskia may recall that she is normally a quitter, she usually isn't interested in doing something if she can't get it perfect the first time. So I'm really proud of her for devoting herself to this, even if it is the most expensive sport she could have picked.... :)



I'm at the end of my week off from school, classes start again Tuesday. I'll be going full time this summer so you probably won't see as much of me as usual, I'll be juggling a very full load. By the time August rolls around and I get a month off I'll probably be in a vegetative state... oh well.

Fiona's surgery

Many of you have already read bits and pieces regarding Fiona's surgery, feel free to skip this journal if you like. I'm mostly writing it for myself, as I do not keep a diary or blog my MM journals are the best way for me to remember key events.

We had to be at the hospital on Wed. morning at 10:30. We checked in, then were herded (believe me, this verb is the BEST description of what happened) along with apx. 20 other people to the children's surgery waiting area. This room was horrible. Super loud and overcrowded, with nothing for the kids to do and soap operas blaring on the TV. The receptionist was absolutely apathetic. She refused to get off her butt for any reason. She had no PA, so every time she would call a patient only those people sitting next to her desk could hear her. Things like that are particularly annoying to me, like nails on a chalkboard. As if I wasn't antsy enough!

We had to sit in this horrible room with a hungry, thirsty and bored 3 year old for nearly 2 hours. Then we were called back to the actual hospital bit. The nurses there were very nice and helped me lose a little bit of the anger I was feeling towards the place. We had to wait again for about 45 minutes for the anesthesiologist to come check Fiona out. She had a slight cough so the first one called in a second, who called in a third.... I guess any kind of respiratory problem can be a complication with anesthesiology so they wanted to make sure she was okay. They gave her a clean bill of health and prepped her for the surgery. I got to put on the full gear (mask, head cover, gown) and carry her into the OR. I laid her down and held her hands while she breathed in the stuff to put her to sleep... It was awful, I was glad to be there for her but seeing the fear and panic in her eyes was terrible. Still she was very brave, didn't cry or move. When she was out I gave her a kiss and a nurse rushed me out.

The next hour was very nerve wracking. I broke down and cried when I walked out, it was so awful to see her lying on the table unconscious. She was supposed to be in for about 45 minutes, once that hit I started to panic, "Why haven't they called us yet?!"

After about an hour the doctor called, she did fine. She was taken to a recovery room until she woke up, then moved to a waking room, at which point Paul and I were able to join her. She was sleeping when we came in, looked like a little angel. I felt so happy to see her okay, and also so bad that I had put her through this experience.

She was groggy for a while and complaining of pain, but they sent us home anyway. Once home, she would have flair ups of pain which got worse as the day wore on. By 9pm she was screaming in pain... she also had a fever so I called the hospital. The doctor I talked to was very relaxed and kept insisting once she peed (which she hadn't yet) she'd be fine. The problem was she was refusing to go. Finally around 9:30pm I got her to more or less fall asleep on the loo and she relaxed enough to let go. After that she was much better.

Before we move on to Thursday, let me say something about how we were feeling. Before the surgery all I had told her was that she was going to go to the hospital, go to sleep, wake up and come home. Because of that she did really well in the hospital and very brave. But afterward she was traumatized. When she saw her scar for the first time she freaked. I told her it was where the doctor fixed her boo-boo and she screamed, "What boo-boo?!" Duh, she didn't even know there was anything wrong. Now all of a sudden she goes to sleep and wakes up with a scar? How horrible.

There were other signs that the experience was traumatic. She would have these flashes of panic and bursts of crying for no reason. She freaked out about getting her first dose of medicine and screamed "Not the mask!" Since then I have to keep reassuring her that "the mask" is only at the hospital.

She's been very clingy, very demanding and very frayed. It didn't help that Thursday she got slammed with a bad sinus infection which made her fever shoot up to 102 degrees and left her with a headache that wouldn't go away. She cried for 3 hours straight until I switched her from the Tylenol with codeine that the hospital had given us to plain Motrin. 30 minutes later her fever and headache were gone and she got out of bed for the first time since she came home. Friday we took her to the pediatrician and he prescribed antibiotics to get her over that hurdle.

Now she is on the road to recovery. She is still emotionally tender, in fact she had a panic attack/melt-down this morning at 6:30am because I had to go to work. She NEVER cries because I'm going to work.

Her physical recovery will also take longer than the doctor led us to believe, in fact everything has been worse than anyone made it out to be, which pisses me off. I understand not wanting parents to worry but they should be allowed to know the truth about what to expect.

I've written a lot here, I'd be surprised if anyone is still with me. Just a few last words on the emotional impact of this minor surgery:

*It wasn't minor to us. It was nerve-wracking, and it was traumatic. Not the same trauma as if, say, your child had a major accident but traumatic all the same.

*It was traumatic for Fiona. Even though she can't remember the surgery, she KNOWS that something happened to her and her psyche is affected. She's nervous and scared and I hate that.

Pffft. I'm sure there is more I wanted to note down about this, I should've journaled two days ago while it was fresh but now my brain is jelly. If anyone has read this all, thanks for listening!

Pajama Rama

Saturday night was our big Girl Scout event, The Pajama Rama Skate and Slumber party. My troop has been looking forward to the event for months, it's what we raised funds for while selling cookies and the girls ask about it at every meeting. My daughter was on pins and needles all of last week, she couldn't focus on anything, she was so excited.



We met at the roller rink at 10:00pm. On the way S and I stopped at Target, to buy her a pair of her very own rollerblades. After the other leaders and I got the troop settled in, I went off to rent some skates. I probably haven't skated since I was 13 or so, I was nervous but it came back to me really quickly. From then on it was just fun! All of the girl's moms came with them, so I didn't have to worry about anyone except my daughter. We skated, played air hockey, and goofed around. At 1am they had a make-over, and at 2am was the pajama fashion show, followed by dancing until 3. At 3 lights went out and we were supposed to sleep on the rink, but it was way too loud and the girls were way too hyped to sleep!

S was actually tired and getting mad that she couldn't sleep, so I bribed her with donuts and we took off at 4am. The event was over at 5am anyway, so we didn't miss much. We came home and crashed until 11. When we got up she clearly didn't want our time to be over, as she asked me to read to her in bed for nearly an hour.

It was fabulous, we had so much fun! At one point the DJ played "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and I nearly cried, it felt like I was the 6 year old!

Normally S and I butt heads a lot, we are way too much alike personality wise! But this night was special, no fights, just lots of love to go around. I'll remember it forever.

She's the best friend ever

Homeslice, I love you! YOu are an awesome friend, a wonderful supporter and a lovely human being. I have always known this, and now thanks to your generosity my children do too!

You see, yesterday a package arrived in the mail for the girls. We opened it to find this gorgeous bag:



Saskia read the card to us,


which says "Happy Spring, Fiona and Saskia! I hope I get to meet you someday- your mamma rocks! Love Homeslice" Awww, you rock too Homey!

Then they dug into the package



The shirts are so beautiful! The girls absolutely loved them and put them on right away. Of course, Fiona spilled something on hers within five minutes and had to take it off again, but no worries, the stains washed right out. :) Needless to say everyone here is thrilled with their gifts.



I don't know if you can tell, but the patch has their names on it! So cute!

THANK YOU
HOMESLICE!

Resurrection and personal transcendance

Today our minister blew me away with an alternate theory of the resurrection. I plan to share the audio file as soon as he gets it up on his website, however until then I wanted to journal a brief synopsis, as well as I can remember, and talk a little bit about what it means to me.

There are some holidays which we Unitarian Universalists have a tough time with. Most UUs are not Christian, some are atheists, some are pagans, Jews, humanists or agnostics. So the two Christian traditions of Easter and Christmas are hard for some people to really sink their teeth into, in a spiritual way. Especially Easter, with it's central theme of the resurrection from the dead. However, Rev. Alex likes to push his congregation out of our zones of comfort, so today he chose to tackle that theme head on.

He started by explaining where the story of the resurrection came from. Taken in it's context, it makes a lot of sense. The Judeo world was immersed in Hellenic thought and philosophy at the time of Jesus' life. Rev. Alex explained to us that there was an important Greek philosophical model of the world which corresponds to the Christian concept of Heaven. Basically the Greeks believed (a full 600 years BEFORE Jesus came around) that this world is not the real one, rather it is one of pain, suffering and impermanence. The REAL world is one we must "transcend" into. The real world is everlasting, beatific, and absolutely perfect in it's radiant goodness. Rev. Alex explained it better...

Anyway he explained this is the philosophy that the resurrection is based on. This is where the principle Christian belief of God OUTSIDE of the world, and the transcendence into Heaven at the end of our life came from. But what if, like some historians believe, the resurrection from the dead didn't happen?

I'm going to skip ahead as there was lots of history and philosophy involved here and I don't remember the details well enough to do them justice. Basically here is where Rev. Alex argues his alternate interpretation of the resurrection, that is the daily, living resurrection of ourselves from ourselves.

We bury ourselves in anger, hatred, greed, stress, woe. Our own ego kills our spirit. But we can transcend that. We can resurrect ourselves.

When Jesus said, "the Kingdom of God is at hand" he wasn't talking about a distant heaven coming closer. He really meant, it's at hand! It's here, in every atom, in every tree, in every child. Rev. Alex said "turn your head and you see the Divine." Heaven is here, all around us. The divine spirit, what some people call God or Yahweh or Allah is HERE ALL AROUND US. We just have to let go of our ego, transcend the things we have chosen to bury ourselves in, and we can set our spirits free. And we can do it at any given moment.

~~So, that about sums up the key notes of the sermon.

On a personal note, I want to say this had a tremendous effect on me today. I want to transcend my anger, stress and all those things that have been holding my spirit back from peace and love. I can't do it yet, as I'm buried far too deep. But I can start on the right path. So I'll be working on letting go. I'll be working on loving more and hating less. I'll be working on not allowing this life I chose to stress me out. And maybe one of these days I'll be able to resurrect myself.

For Toni

I promised a while ago that I'd write a journal on love Thursday about my step-daughter, so here goes...

T is 16 now. Yes, that's right, just 15 years younger than me. Her dad and I got together when she was 9, and her first sister was born just after her tenth birthday.

T is a beautiful, smart and loving girl. She lives in Germany with her mom. When we lived in Germany, she spent every other weekend and most school holidays with us.

T was totally enamored with her first sister from the start. She would play and play and play with S! I remember once, before F (#3) was born, DH and I went out to dinner and his sister babysat T and S. S was maybe 18 months old and T was 11 1/2 or so. T decided that Auntie wasn't putting S to bed right and took the job on herself. She sat in the dark, rocking my baby for nearly an hour, singing to her so she could go to sleep. Now THAT is LOVE.

Unfortunately T took it REALLY hard when we moved to America. She broke off all contact with her dad for over a year. She and I were okay, and we emailed all the time. We had sort of a big-sister / little-sister realtionship going for a while. I hoped that she could learn from my experiences and not make the same mistakes I did...

Now T and her dad are back in touch, but she still has not wanted to come visit us in America. S misses her a lot, and talks about her all the time. F never really had a chance to get to know her... I hope that can change one day.

My dream? That T would choose to do a year of high school over here, or even go to college. I'd like to have her be a bigger part of our lives. She's such a cool kid, smart as a whip and so kind. I hope that one day, we can all be closer. We ARE family already, but I wish that one day we could have more....

PS- Sorry my pictures are all old, she is a typical teenager and refuses to share any current pictures of herself with us :( The first and last are from 2006.

Baby Love

A post I saw tonight about babywearing got me feeling very nostalgic for when my girls were little, so I thought I'd share a few baby pictures with you.



T My first baby in the hospital right after she was born

Baby wearing

Big sister (my step-daughter) and baby #1

Mama and baby #1

Baby #2 fresh home from the hospital

More sister love

And all three sisters together

Mama with baby #2

That's just a taste of our baby pics. For some reason I can't find a lot of my favorite ones, that's the problem with digital pictures isn't it? Change computers, reorganize files and suddenly you can't find stuff... Next week I plan to journal about my step-daughter and give you some more sisterly love pictures. Until then, I hope you enjoy my little photographic trip down memory lane!

Sunday update

For some reason I often feel the need to journal on a Sunday evening. Not sure why. Often I don't even have anything terribly interesting to say, like tonight...

I spent the weekend at home with my girls mostly. DH had to work all day Saturday. We tried to catch up on a little housework, laundry, etc. Not much got done.

Today the girls and I went to church to deliver GS cookies. We probably wouldn't have gone otherwise, it was so icy! We SKATED across the parking lot! Seriously, all 3 of us were wearing horribly impractical, high-heeled cowgirl boots and we nearly fell on our butts several times trying to get to the front doors. Of course, half our recipients weren't there... but it was a great service. We had a story-teller come and she told the most interesting Native American tales and sang some African-American spirituals. It was very relaxing and fun.

I spent the rest of the day catching up on one of my classes, and I will spend all of tomorrow catching up on the other class.

The girls are on winter break from school and I am considering taking them to Jungle Java or some other horrible place to keep them entertained so that I can study. The problem with that (besides the NOISE) is I am always mega paranoid at those places that someone will try to kidnap one of my girls, so I end up spending the whole time watching them like a hawk. Not exactly productive.

As for the other happenings in my life, the job thing, GS and so on, I am taking a page from a friend and refusing to think about them for the moment. One thing at a time, and right now school is at the top of the list. Once I make a decision I will be sure to let you know!

Have a great week my friends! XO

I'm back

I had planned to come back tomorrow, after this crazy Brownie Ceremony is done, but I couldn't stay away from my dear friends here any longer!

I only have a few moments this morning as I'm taking my wee one to see the new Veggie Tales movie in a little while, so I'll have to catch up with my messages and group talks later.

I just wanted to say a few words about why I needed a break and the things I thought about while I was gone.

I will admit I probably overreacted to the Chatter post. I was having a really bad day, fighting with a person I have to work closely with IRL, worrying about my Uncle in the hospital and feeling totally depressed about life. When I read that post I took it very personally. I couldn't understand how a friend could think such awful things about me. It made me feel awful, and I decided that I didn't need to come here to feel awful when I already had that IRL. So I took a thinking break.

I came to a few conclusions: first, I am not a bad person. Anyone who choses to think so doesn't really know me. I am REAL when I come on MM. You guys see the good, the bad and the ugly. You get to see my mood swings, my temper tantrums, and my bursts of love.

There are too many places in the world where I have to be fake and play nice. At work, at school, with neighbors, friends, relatives... all those places we have to be polite. Hold our tongues. Not say anything unless we agree. Only with our family can we always feel safe to say exactly what we feel. So feel honored guys, because my honesty here on MM shows that I think of you like family.

So I will continue to be just who I am here. Anyone who likes me for me is welcome to be my friend. Anyone who doesn't is welcome to go their own way. That's the beauty of this site, we don't ALL have to get along.

My second conclusion is, that as much as I love you guys I need to take some of the discussions here less seriously and less personally. Because it's not healthy for me to get as worked up over a chat as I did. My hiatus helped, and if I start to feel overwhelmed again I'll do the same thing. Just with less drama ;-)

Lastly, I figured out that I need to re-prioritize a little. I have been spending too much time online, to the detriment of my studies, my volunteer activities, and my family. So my new rule is, I get 30-45 minutes in the morning to catch up, then I'm not allowed back on until I complete whatever tasks I have for the day. Which means I will be less active in some of my groups, there just won't be time for me to respond to every post. If anyone has a problem with that let me know, and I'll re-evaluate my memberships.

If you stuck with me through all of that, thanks! Love you!

Just checking in

I haven't been able to be on MM much today, just popping in here and there for a minute or two. I miss you guys already! Unfortunately I think this will continue to be my fate, at least until I get settled into the rhythm of school...

Yes, that's right school started back this week and MAN, is this going to be a busy semester. Both of my classes are online, which requires more work than I could've imagined. In addition to DAILY discussions and readings, weekly video lectures and lots of group projects and writing long papers we are expected to actually TEACH a class. Both of my instructors are requiring this, I think they've been plotting....

In any case I am rather freaked out by this news, even though I know I am a good teacher. Teaching to my peers is intimidating!

So what else is up? I taught my last Sunday school class this morning. It was bitter-sweet, the kids were awesome and I will miss them but I needed to take something off my plate.

It was also my first Sunday back at church since November, not counting the Christmas Eve service. I must say it felt GOOD. I miss going there, even though I usually don't feel like I have the time. It did my spirit good to be amongst my friends again.

This evening I found out some bad news, my favorite uncle, the only relative of mine besides my parents that I actually LIKE, is in the hospital. He has a multitude of problems and it is looking like cancer. He has already fought that battle twice and won, but now it may have moved into his spine, which I guess is a pretty bad thing. He had emergency surgery and a biopsy today so hopefully we will know what is going on soon. He is a really great man, a life-long cowboy (for real!) and one of the most caring, kind people I have ever known.

Lots of love to all of my friends here. Good night!

My daughter's new do

I took my 6 year old to the hair salon today. She has had her hair trimmed many times, but this was her first time in a "real" salon, getting a new style. She was so excited! When we got there she flipped through the books and found a very cute cut. I was skeptical that it would work on her fine hair, but said we would ask the stylist. After all, her hair, her choice.

It turned out SO cute! She looks so grown up *sniff* I just love it!

for one more day

My daughter, S, and I went to a book signing by Mitch Albom, author of For One More Day, The 5 People You Meet in Heaven and Tuesdays with Morrie tonight. We had to wait over an hour because Mitch was delayed by an accident on the roads. Most of the people waiting (and there were a TON of them) were really nice. We had talked and laughed and it was so nice just to revel in goodness for a while. My daughter was AWESOME, she was so well behaved and so sweet to everyone, but she did get tired after a while.

We were probably about 30th or so in line. When Mitch Albom finally got there he made a short speech then asked that everyone let the elderly people and people with small children come up first. S was sitting on the floor in front of his table, looking sleepy, so he pointed to her and asked that we be allowed to go first! I let another woman who was probably 90 go before us though.

Of course, when I got up to the table I turned into a slathering idiot. I told him "I'm a big fan" and The 5 People You Meet in Heaven was life changing for me. DUR, talk about dorky. But he was nice and signed my books (got one for my mom too) and told S she was a good girl for being so patient.

Afterwards I told S that she is FOR SURE on Santa's good list now after behaving so well tonight!

One of the big impressions I took away with me is; It's all about attitude. A few people were complaining about the lines, the wait, the people (i.e. ME and the elderly) getting to cut to the front. They looked so sour, so sad. What did they get out of this night, except a signature and bad feelings?

I got love. Love of my daughter, love of the kind people around me who kept shunting us forward in the line. Appreciation for all that is good and kind in this world. I am so glad my daughter was with me to share in this special evening, and I will remember how I felt every time I read my book and look at Albom's signature.