Girls

A recent conversation with my eldest went something like this:

Me: Where should we go when your sister comes to visit this summer?
Her: Paris!
Me: Why would Toni fly all the way to America from Germany just to turn around and fly back to France, which is right next to Germany? Besides, I can't afford to fly 5 people to Paris, it's too expensive.
Her: Then let's go to Florida.
Me: Um, think locally dear. No place that requires an airplane.
Her (getting upset): Well there's nothing to do around here! (I have to give her this one)
Me: We could go to Chicago.
Her (disgust dripping off her tongue): Chicago?! What's in Chicago?
Me: Well, the American Girl store is in Chicago. They have lots of cool stuff for your dolls, there is even a restaurant where you can eat with your dolls.
Her (voice full of sarcasm more appropriate for a girl 10 years older): Uh, eating in a restaurant with your doll is so five-years old.

At this point she's pissed and I'm annoyed. We walk into the house and my husband, noticing the mood asks "what's wrong?". I reply, "she's mad at me". She screams like a banshee, "I AM NOT MAD!" and races upstairs to her room, slams the door and, I presume, throws herself on her bed. If she had a cell phone she'd be calling her BFF to tell her how her parents just "don't understand her" and we are "so unfair".

I tell ya, girls can be lovely, and honestly I much prefer them to boys, but they(we) are so high-strung! It's like we live on the edge of our skin, and the slightest disturbance can knock us off balance. Girls are so changeable, so sensitive, so perceptive and so easily pissed off. I have so many memories of behaving exactly like this, oh the drama. And to be honest I still have my moments. I know these sound like stereo-types, and perhaps it's not all girls (and women) but just me and mine? Although I've noticed many of the same behaviors in my girl scouts. Perhaps it's socialization, perhaps it's a hormonal change occurring at this age (eight-nine), maybe it's learned behavior from older female role models and moms (ya think?!) but many of them have become such little smart-asses! They can be so sarcastic, and they are all terribly impressed with their own wit. Oh, wait, that's me again isn't it?

I fear I have a very intense journey ahead of me the next few years. Hell, maybe the rest of my life, if my daughters follow too closely in my footsteps. It's draining, and frustrating, yet funny to (oh WHAT-ever Girl!). Sounds like... life.

AAArrrragghhh!

Fiona is sick. AGAIN. That child has a viral or bacterial infection at least twice a month. Always with the congestion, cough, fever. And the rest of us get sick fairly often too. Why?! I mean, I know I am not winning any housekeeping awards or anything. I dust maybe once a year. Okay, I lie. I never dust. We vacuum our hardwood floors maybe every 2-4 weeks, and the bathrooms get cleaned once a month or so. So yeah, my house is probably germy. But what about all those studies that say that people are getting sick more now because of hyper-cleanliness? So shouldn't my kids' immune system be boosted by the, um, state of my home?

Then there is nutrition, yeah it's not like the kids eat vitamins. No veggies, not much fruit. Their diet consists mostly of carbs, proteins, dairy and sugars. However trying to get my children to eat a vegetable, or take a vitamin, is a true Mission Impossible. It. Can. Not. Be. Done.

And allergies. Fiona is allergic to everything environmental, as am I. Cats, yep, we have 3. Dust, did I mention I don't dust? Pollens should be down since it's winter, but we are both allergic to mites and are supposed to have all hypo-allergenic bedding, mattresses etc but that costs up the Ass and we can't afford that shit. So we take allergy medicine daily and hope for the best.

So I guess you are all laughing yourselves silly right now thinking "and she still wonders WHY her kids are sick all the time?" Well, yeah! I mean I get that our allergies in particular make us more prone to respiratory infections, but still!

I'm hoping that one of my dear friends can give me some suggestions as to how I can make our lives healthier, without, you know, requiring me to dust. Or get rid of the cats. Or feed my kids vegetables. Other than that, all suggestions please!

P.R.O.U.D

I'm sitting on the couch (working from home rocks!) listening to Fiona do a word search at the table. She recites the letters she is looking for over and over until she finds them. "N.O.O.D.L.E, N.O.O.D.L.E" etc. She's doing awesome. Have I mentioned lately that she is FIVE?! Maybe I'm out of touch, but it seems to me that being able to do a word search in Kindergarten is pretty cool. Speaking of Kindergarten, report cards came home Tuesday and that girl got "Achieving above grade-level expectations" in EVERY subject except physical education. She is so my kid :)

Praise the Lawd

January is finally over! I swear this last month was the longest month I have ever lived. Normally February is the month which seems to drag on like a monster truck being pulled by snails, but this year it was January which just went on and on and on and on... and you get the picture.

I think it's because this January was so very busy, or maybe it was just because I spent nearly every day working from the time I got up until the time I went to bed. Wait, I do that all the time. But this month was extra filled with long days and stressful projects and events of a not so pleasant nature. But it's done! The month is ovah! And while I am a little worried that February, the 32 year-long undefeated winner of Worst Month of the Year may yet prove to be even worse than January I am comforted by the fact that at least there are only 28 days of that bad boy.

Night

I feel as though I am in a dark abyss. Sadness this heavy is something I usually only experience at the lowest lows of my depression cycles. I feel paralyzed, my mind is numb with shock. It's turned off, tuned out, the way a mind does after experiencing a horrifying trauma. Yet as lethargic as I feel, as opposed to tuning in as I am at this moment, I know the healthy thing is to let myself feel these feelings. I need to think, and to act. This is the first step towards that.

This deep, psychological sadness and trauma was not brought about by an event in my life, rather by events which occurred 65 years ago in Poland, Hungary, Holland, Italy and of course, Germany (among other places I'm sure). The events are those which we all know about, which we've all read about, which we've all shook our heads over and briefly thought, "why?" about before going on to our every day lives. The Holocaust. The attempted annihilation of a religion and a race. The mass murder of 6 million Jews and many other human beings. It's just history to most people now-a-days, isn't it? Sure, we remember on Holocaust Remembrance Day (Jan. 27th) or on Yom Hashoah(the 27th of Nissan, this year April 11th). We are reminded on occasion by television shows, movies or books; which to a greater or lesser extent try to capture the horror of these events. But how often do we let it touch us? How often do we actually feel, even in the smallest of ways, the horror of Auschwitz, of Chelmno, of Birkenau? Of the cattle cars, the showers, the furnaces? The torture, the apathy, the pure evil which spread itself across Europe like the plague from 1933-1945? The fact of the matter is we can never feel the true horror those men, women, children and families felt. But we MUST remember, lest we one day repeat history.

A quote from the preface to "Night" by Elie Wiesel:

"For the survivor who chooses to testify, it is clear: his duty is to bear witness for the dead and the living. He has no right to deprive future generations of a past that belongs to our collective memory. To forget would be not only dangerous but offensive; to forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time... The witness has forced himself to testify. For the youth of today, for the children who will be born tomorrow. He does not want his past to become their future."

It is my fear, that as Holocaust survivors pass away and Holcaust deniers raise the volume and intensity of their lies, that we will forget. Then God help our children, because humankind will not.

____________________________________________________________________

Night, by Elie Wiesel has stirred all this darkness in me and sent it bubbling to the surface. It is hard to believe in a loving God, or in human decency, in the face of such horrors as are described within the pages of this book. Elie documents his family's deportation from Hungary to the concentration camps in Poland by crowded cattle cars. He vividly recalls living children being tossed into fires at Birkenau. Living. Children. Fed to flames, because they could not "work". His mother and sisters, murdered without a second glance. He tells us of the conditions he and his father endured at Auschwitz, where "arbeit" did not set anyone free of anything except a quick death. The way the prisioners were forced to flee, on foot, in winter, from the advancing Red Army. The way they were herded once more into cattle cars and deported to Germany, only to be massacred once they got there. Why? Why? Why? How did so many regular people, normal Germans, go stark raving mad all at once? Don't get me wrong, I know many Germans were not Nazis. Many felt compassion for the Jews among them, tried to help them. But many more DID NOT. And even ignoring them for the moment, what about all those SS officers and military personel. I am sure there was a mob mentality, that men (and women) became conditioned to the cruelty. But even that does not begin to touch on the reality of what those people did to other human beings. To children. No explanation, no psychology, could ever begin to explain the mass insanity that pervaded the Nazi party.

If you have not read Night, I highly recommend it, despite the horror I felt upon reading it, and the sadness I feel now. This is reality. This really happened. It cannot be forgotten. I understand with my whole heart for the first time, the utter necessity for the state of Israel. Jews MUST have a homeland. For centuries, it did not matter how long a Jew had lived in a country. How many generations had been raised there. If they considered themselves Italian, or German, or Dutch. In less than one generation a buried hatred spurned on by poverty, economic depression, war and greed boiled over to an attempt to destroy an entire people. Those people must have a homeland, a safe haven where they can return if ever in danger again. No amount of integration will change that need. I still disagree with many Israeli political and military decisions, (just as I disagree with many American ones!) but I am now ferverently dedicated to the existance of a Jewish state. In that sense, my reading of Night has brought me more than sadness, it's brought me a new understanding and passion.

Thank you, Elie Wiesel, for sharing your darkest hour with the world. May we never forget.

The last words of Night:

"One day when I was able to get up, I decided to look at myself in the mirror on the opposite wall. I had not seen myself since the ghetto.

From the depths of the mirror, a corpse was contemplating me.

The look in his eyes as he gazed at me has never left me."

Decade in Review

I stole this idea from a friend's Facebook status and decided to expand a little on it. Presenting Christina's high- (and perhaps low-) lights of 2000-2010:

2000

• Rung in the new millennium with my then boyfriend Henning in his hometown of Kiel, Germany. Specifically, I got really drunk and uh-hum and was puking right around midnight. In hindsight, that should've been a sign.
• Spent the year working for an aeronautical IT company and partying hard
• Met my future husband
  
• Traveled around Spain in October
• Got pregnant with my first child in November

2001

• Spent a miserable, hot summer in a small apartment with no air-conditioning above a major, loud, and stinky Frankfurt intersection
• In August, the suffering was all made worth while with the birth of my baby girl, Saskia
• In December traveled back to see my family
• Saw my grandfather for the very last time. I'm so grateful he was able to meet his first great-grandchild
• Got stuck in the US because Saskia did not have a passport. That's right, customs let us in but wouldn't let her out. Thanks to the hard work of my local Republican senator I was able to get her an American passport and new, free tickets back to Germany. Never say the Republicans aren't good for anything. If you really want something done, they are the ones to ask.

2002

• Spent the first half of the year as a SAHM. In July we moved to the town of Friedberg, a nice little town halfway between Frankfurt and Giessen. We were still living over a major intersection though.
• Went back to work part-time, which required a 45 minute train commute each way. Saskia stayed with a lovely Spanish woman in a neighboring village on the three days a week I worked.

2003

• Saskia moved to "Kinderhaus" which was a co-op childcare center
• In the summer I got pregnant with my second daughter

2004

• I spent the first half of 2004 traveling a lot; to Frankfurt for work and to Giessen to visit my midwife in her birthing center. There were a few instances of "passenger rage" on the trains and buses.... hey, pregnant women are exempt from putting up with assholes, it should really be a law.
• Paul was sent to Antwerp, Belgium to work and only came home on the weekends. It sucked.
• In May Fiona was induced at a nearby hospital. Little bugger didn't want to come out! Happily my mom was there when she was born. For that I am very thankful
• Spent the rest of 2004 as a SAHM of one toddler and one baby. Didn't realize it but had major PPD and spent every day fantasizing about jumping out the window. Thankfully I got better once Paul came home and I wasn't a single parent anymore. Hey, I did say there may be low-lights in here, didn't I?
• Oh yeah, in the fall of 2004 we moved again, to a tiny village called Assenheim. I loved, loved, loved that village. You could walk across the whole thing in 20 minutes. We lived next to a castle AND a church from the 15oo's. The building we lived in was owned by the Count (hence the castle) and dated back several centuries. There was a cemetery in our backyard. It was so cool! The Niddatal river flowed passed the castle and we crossed it over a lovely wooden bridge each day to bring Saskia to Kindergarten. I still miss that village.

2005

• In the spring I traveled to visit my parents in Wenatchee, Wa with the girls. Saskia was 4 and Fiona was 7 months old
• Paul was offered a job in the US and in August, we moved to Michigan
• Nov. 11 Paul and I were married in the most pathetic wedding ceremony ever, in the county clerk's office in Detroit. Trust me, we'll do it better next time around (vow renewal in 2015?)
  

2006

• Paul worked days for a GM-related logistics firm and I worked nights at Kroger. By far the worst job I ever had!
• I applied for, and got accepted at Wayne State University in the Library and Information Sciences program
• We traveled to Nebraska for a family reunion in the summer. I saw my favorite uncle for the last time
  
• In the fall I started on my MLIS
• In December GM bought out the company Paul worked for and laid off most of the staff, including him

2007

• Paul was able to find a job with another logistics firm, thanks to contacts he made when working in Antwerp. Phew!
• In the spring I started working as a library assistant at a technical college
• In the summer we bought our first house, a beautiful but decrepit fixer-upper from 1929 in a great neighborhood
• In the fall Saskia started first grade at her new school and was told she was not welcome in the current Girl Scout troop. So I started my own, along with two women who would become good friends over the years.

2008

• I continued to work at my library assistant job part-time, attended school full time and co-lead Girl Scouts. There's not much more you can add to that!
• In the fall I graduated with my masters and a focus in Information Sciences.
  
• I also started a new, full-time job as a web developer. Go figure.
• The girls did what growing girls do. Tried activities, made friends, learned and expanded their minds.
• My parents visited from Wa, it was wonderful!
  

2009

• I worked. Paul worked. The kids grew.
• I moved to the leader position in my Girl Scout troop. I love each of my girls and am so thankful to have them in my life!
• The kids became involved in a theater group and we found a new, comfortable home with great people and friends.
• In August, we made our first trip "Up North", vacationing near Lake Michigan. Finally, I saw why people think Michigan is a pretty state. Living near Detroit all this time I had never seen much beauty.
• Fiona was invited to join the pre-competitive gymnastics team.
• Fiona was also diagnosed with a mental illness. Treatment and therapy have been working wonders in her behavior and happiness. After years of having a miserable child, my happy "Coyote" is back!
  
• In October my dad came to visit and we had a great time. He helped around the house, with the cars and in general made my life a lot easier for 10 days. Thanks dad!

2010

• I know, it hasn't happened yet! Just a taste of what is perhaps to come...
• Winter: Paul and I are starting an Introduction to Judaism class at a nearby temple
• Spring: My parents may come to visit
• Summer: My step-daughter, Toni may come to visit from Germany
• Fall: Saskia will start 4th grade, Fiona will start 1st. We will continue to be actively involved in Girl Scouts, theater and perhaps gymnastics.
  
• Life goes on....
  

I've started a new blog!

You are all falling over yourselves with excitement, aren't you? More like laughing yourselves silly thinking "new blog, she doesn't even post here!" Yeah, yeah, I'll try to do better I promise.

This one is more of a journal, so it's not terribly pretty or anything. I know, I make it sound so exciting, don't I? Without further ado, I present: The Search for Adonai . This is a blog about my religious journey. Read if you like, or if not that's okay too.