Sunday, June 29, 2008

I am SUCH a dork!

I've been feeling rather unloved because my last two posts had no comments every time I checked on them. I went tonight to publish a new post and for the first time in two days had a look at my "dashboard" only to see that there were 15 comments awaiting moderation! I am such a dork, I totally forgot that when I went public (just for you, Jules baby) I set the comments to requiring moderation. Duh. At least I know now that my friends do still love me. Now can you see me blushing through the computer?

I think I'd better undo that darn moderation thing! Oh, and Joss love, I got your comment but deleted it after saving your info so that the whole world won't get ahold of your number.

Love ya'll.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

When a Bee's Got to Pee

"When a Bee's got to pee, a Bee's got to pee!"

My 4 year old daughter said this to me a few weeks ago and all I could think was, "WTF?" Oookay... but since then I've discovered where she got this pearl of wisdom, from The Mighty B, a new show on Nickelodeon. I have to say, both my daughters and myself are nuts about this show. Bessie, the main character is "the world's most ambitious Honeybee Scout". She is also a complete geek. Being a certified geek myself, I can really relate to the antics of Bessie, and the other characters crack me up, especially Portia and her mom, Mrs. Gibbons. Don't we all know mom's like this one?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

When the music's over...

turn out the lights. Well, the music isn't really over Jim, it's just moved.

For those of you in the know, yes, I'm referring to the end of my Maya's Mom life. I've been on MM just short of one year now. It's served me well, linked me to several fantastic, fabulous friends. I am grateful to MM for the people it has brought me in contact with, grateful for the support those people have given me, the good times they brought and the bad times they carried me through. But in the words of a dear friend, it's time to move on.

As my fellow MMers (and ex-MMers) know, a few months ago we had some very bad ju-ju on the site. Several wonderful people were stalked, threatened and harassed by a certifiable psycho in SAHM's clothing. I told myself all along that I wasn't deeply affected by it, I thought I handled the situation with class and discernment, I thought I didn't let it get to me. But since then I have found myself participating less and less in the site. I found that I am not as cool as I thought I was. I found that my trust had been broken, and that I was incapable of letting new people in. So I stuck to my group of friends and became more and more discontented with the site. Eventually I had to realize it wasn't just the place, it was me.

I'm happy to be moving on, to be turning over a new leaf with this brand-new blog of mine. I hope very much that my friends I met through MM will stay in touch with me here. I want to say thank-you to them, for all they've given me. You are a wonderful group of women, and I appreciate each of you. I wish you all the best in your life journey, and hope I continue to be a part of it.

XOXO ~Chrissi

Saturday, June 21, 2008

A long story and a telling dream

There's a story I've been meaning to share with my newer friends for a long time, but I've never quite managed to get up the energy. It's the story of an old friend, a strange conflict and a year of silence. It ends, or continues, with a strongly telling dream.

I had a friend when I lived overseas. This friend and I met in a baby play group, our first-born are about 6 months apart. We connected at first because we were two ex-pats from the same country in a foreign place, but we found over time we had a lot in common. There was a lot different too. She is much more outgoing than me, much more vibrant, much more demanding. She has a big heart and can be very generous, but can also be very selfish. She lives constantly surrounded by drama and needs people very, very much. I on the other hand love people, but also need my alone time. I rarely ask for favors, and don't expect people to be there for me at the drop of a pin. But we are both introspective, we are both spiritually inclined, and we have a lot of spooky similar characteristics that have caused us to say at times that we must be long lost relatives of some kind.

This friend became over time my best friend. We talked every day on the phone for hours at a time, for about 4 years. However things weren't always great. Like sisters, we had fights. At one point she stopped talking to me for about 3 months. She was upset with life-choices I had made (hates my husband, didn't think I should go through with my second pregnancy) and didn't want to be around me. It hurt me terribly, as she was my only friend and my only connection in that country. She forgave ME my indiscretions shortly before my second was born and we went back to being friends. But I never really forgave her for abandoning me.

To step back for a moment, I have to say this is our pattern, my pattern. She gets upset with me, I apologize. I never tell her when I'm upset with her. I hold it all inside and let it build, not healthy, just my way.

After my second was born I had major PPD. My husband was in another country, I was alone in a foreign place with no money, no family, no car, and two children under the age of 3. And my best friend was going through a split with her man and would call for hours to cry on my shoulder. My shoulders were too weak for that. I felt she only came back to me as a friend because she needed my support, but she wasn't giving me hers. Lots of little things contributed to the feeling, but it was a bleak time.

We went on the same way for another year and half or so. Then I moved to the States. We still talked every day, sometimes for hours. She came and visited us several times. But that in itself was the root of more problems.

To make a long story a little shorter, she and my husband hate each other with a passion. Her visits became increasingly problematic and stressful for me. Without going into a lot of detail as to why, I began to develop a lot of resentment towards her. I felt taken advantage of, yet again.

One year ago she was supposed to come visit and stay for several weeks. She never asked if she could come, just planned it. I gave as many subtle hints as I could that it was a bad idea before I had to flat out say she couldn't come. She was horribly upset and we fought and cried for hours. Then we didn't speak for a week. She called again and we discussed everything and I thought we were fine. But I haven't heard from her since.

After a few weeks it was clear there was a problem. I was going through my own stresses and didn't feel strong enough to deal with her. I knew I would get all the blame for everything, as usual. And I was feeling angry about a lot of past things I had never let out. So I didn't call.

It's been almost exactly a year since we last spoke. I think of her and her children often and I think of calling or writing, but I still don't want to deal with the fallout. However...

a couple of days ago my eldest had a fight with her best friend. I was telling her how every friendship has problems, all friends fight, the important thing is to work it out. I felt like such a hypocrite! That night I had a dream that my friend and her children came to visit. We had a long talk and in the end we hugged and I told her how much I had missed her. I woke up with a pit in my stomach, thinking it was real. Admitting to myself for the first time honestly that I do miss her.

I still don't know if I am ready to open the can of worms, however I think I'm a good step closer. Perhaps one of these days I'll sit down and write her a letter like this one, in which I let her know how I feel. Perhaps soon...

Getting started is the hardest part

Whenever I have a big project to do, or any homework for that matter, I find myself procrastinating getting started for the longest time. Hours, days, weeks.... Even with a deadline, I will put off that starting moment as long as I can. I don't know why, once I do start I plug along and it's not that bad. I sometimes even enjoy it! But for whatever reason I just hate to start something...

Thursday, June 19, 2008

What I love about my job

For anyone who doesn't know, I work as a librarian at a small, private college. My job has it's ups and downs, like any job. Sometimes I get frustrated dealing with the corporate policies and seemingly irrational decisions that get passed down for us to deal with. Sometimes I question whether this is the place for me. But there is one saving grace that makes it all worth while, the interaction I get to have with the students.

It's funny in a way, because when I started library school I wasn't interested in serving the public at all. I had no interest in reference and thought I would spend my days in technical services or the IT department, working with the backbones of the library. Imagine how shocked I was when I started working and found that I liked helping people answer their questions. And over the year I've spent here that like has turned to love. I love working with students, I love connecting them with information they wouldn't otherwise find.

The students here often come from hard or disadvantaged backgrounds. They are trying make a better life for themselves, for their families. But it can be hard to succeed academically when you have never been given the skills necessary for a college career. If you've never learned how to use a library, never learned how to find, evaluate or cite information, it's hard to succeed. That's where I come in.

The beginning of each new quarter I spend most of my working hours going into classrooms and teaching students how to use our virtual library, how to search databases for articles or books and how to evaluate websites. I often feel like a saleswoman during these presentations, trying to convince the students with my pitch that yes indeed, these are the resources for you! Save time, save work, impress your instructors! Let me show you how it's done!

At the end of each session I feel wiped out, but in a good way. This is my passion, opening these student's eyes to the world of information. It's hard work, but it's worth every effort if I've reached even one of them. It's my passion, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A little about me...

or conversely titled, "why I'm starting a blog".

My name is Christina, aka Chrissi and I am a 30-something mom, librarian and graduate student. I've been blogging via a social networking site called Maya's Mom for almost a year now, and I've decided to strike it out on my own. The majority of my first posts will be older imports from journal entries I wrote on Maya's Mom. I want to keep all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. When I get caught up with that I will attempt to entertain you with some of the newer antics stemming from my crazy, hectic life.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Today I am grateful for my husband, without whose help I could never do all that I do. He works hard all day at his job, then comes home and works hard around the house to cook, clean, shop and care for the kids so that I can study and go to classes. He's a good dad and he loves his children very much, he'd do anything for them. He's way more fun than me and most of the time less strict then I am as well, and the kids love him with every fiber of their being.

Friday, June 13, 2008


I'm too lazy to take pictures of my tattoos, but I still wanted to write something.

I have 2 tattoos. The one on my left leg I honestly regret. I was 18 and I just really wanted a tattoo, without knowing what. So I just picked a design I liked in a parlor. It's a sort of gypsy, fortune teller figure, like something out of a dungeon's and dragon's comic book. I liked it at the time because it was beautiful and represented the mystical side of me. I don't like it now because it has little connect to my present life. And at about 4 inches high it's damn inconvinient, I can never wear skirts or dresses to work. I've thought about getting it removed but I don't have the money and I'm worried about scarring. I guess now she serves as a symbol of the danger of acting without thinking.

My other tattoo is on my right ankle, right on the bone (hurt like hell!). I got it when I was 16. A friend did it with a needle and ink and it looks like a jail-house tattoo. It's a small Celtic sun symbol. I was really into Wicca at the time and I like the image.

My friend died when he was only 20 and I was reluctant to do anything with the tattoo for a long time, but now that I'm turning 32 and have had this for half my life I feel it is time to make a change. So for my birthday this year I am going to get the sun symbol redone and put a moon symbol on the opposite side, then have them connected into an anklet design. In the bands of the anklets I will have my two daughter's names written. The design will symbolize the interconnectedness between light and dark, good and bad, and how my love for my daughters carries me through both, again and again, never ending.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Our Girl Scout camping adventure

As many of you know, my six year old daughter and I went camping this weekend at a Mother/Daughter event through Girl Scouts. Here's a little photo chronicle of the trip...

Friday night we arrived way early because I was the OPF (Outdoor Program Facilitator) for our troop house. I met "my" First-Aider and one of her friends, both of whom rocked and made the weekend 1000 times better than it would have been had they not been there. I was supposed to build a fire for our house that night, but it kept storming, then stopping, then starting again. So no fire...

Several of the people staying in our house (36 in all) arrived really late, which threw our schedule off a lot. One mom came in late and had a huge fit over the bunks that were left for her and her girls. I hadn't even met her yet and she was in my face, screaming, saying someone had to move or she would be too hot, that we had to give her our fan (as OPF I was allowed to bring one to set up in the main room, but this mom was so late all the beds in the main room were taken and she was in a seperate room), that she was never coming to camp again (like I should care?!) etc. So the first night was very unplesant, stuck in the cabin as we were.

I'll just stop to say a little something about being "in charge" here. I kind of liked it because I got to make the rules and set the tone of the experience. So no stewing privately because I didn't like how others were behaving, I got to tell them exactly what to do and when to do it (talking about things like light's out, cleaning etc). On the other hand I had to deal with all the shitty problem people and ended up doing way more than my fair share of work. It was pretty exhausting.

Saturday morning we walked the 1 mile or so down to the dining hall for breakfast. Almost the entire day was spent here. This is a picture of Saskia with some of her new friends before breakfast.

After breakfast was scrapbooking, which Saskia really is in to, a good choice for her.

During this time the girls got to go out in small groups for a 45 minute long planetarium thing (they had one of those portable ones). The theme for the weekend was two-fold, partly "tea party" and partly space and stars, another good fit for my little astronomer.

After that Saskia and I went on a 30 minute hike and visited the camp store. Then came lunch, followed by Try-It work. She earned the "Space Explorer" Try-It this weekend. At this point mom was so sick of crafts, but there were more to come! Try-It work was followed by a teapot painting party. Actually they were teapot shaped coasters. Then we had a tea party, here's my munchkin enjoying her petits fours:

Then, finally at 3:00 (what do you mean it's only 3:00!!!! It feels like I've been up for 15 hours at least) we went boating. We didn't know it until we docked, but we rowed a field mouse all around the lake. It jumped out of it's hiding place when we hit the dock and ran up the boat, under all the girl's feet, causing them to scream and jump and nearly tip us over. It's amazing that no one fell in. We tried to convince them it was cool, after all how many girls can say they've given a mouse a boat ride?

Here's a really horrible picture of me with my girlie and a cute one of her rowing the boat:

After boating was dinner, then the Ford Amateur Astronomy Club came out and gave us a presentation about the Solar System, planets, constallations and the like. They brought 5 massive telescopes (which I forgot to take a picture of, bummer) for the girls to star gaze. We were supposed to be able to see Saturn and Jupiter, but the clouds were way to thick, no one could see anything. I did find out there is a free planetarium in the town next to ours though, so I promised to take my daughter there soon.

Minus the star-gazing we spent the rest of the evening around the campfire.

We sang lots of songs that I remembered from my days in Campfire as a girl, it was very sentimental I admit I nearly cried. I'm a dork, I know.

We were back at the cabin around 10pm and started cleaning and packing for the next day. Interestingly 6 of the moms in our house bailed, some with legit reasons others not. So the last 7 moms were left to do all the cleaning (Girl Scouts always leave a place cleaner than they found it!). In the end it was probably good that some of them left, as one was the b**** from Friday night and her bff and I found out Sunday morning that the rumor in their troop was that they were bringing alcohol to the event, which is strictly forbidden. They did pack in a huge cooler so I bet the rumors were true. Just what I would have needed after that long day, drunken loud-mouths to kick out.

Sunday we had to finish cleaning, had breakfast, loaded the car and checked out.

All in all it was an awesome weekend, despite the responsibilities and the few difficult people I encountered. Saskia and I had some great bonding time. I am so greatful to the moms of these 3 girls, they and their daughters were so welcoming and kind to us and included us in their group without a second thought. That's what Girl Scouts is supposed to be! I'm also thankful to the awesome volunteers, especially the older girls who did a great job entertaining and working with our little ones. I hope to have such grounded teens!

It was a trip to remember forever. Laughing