An Apology

Today, I read something on a blog that really upset me. Who am I kidding, it made me furious. I responded with the same hateful and ignorant attitude as the blogger herself. I shared my rage: with people who didn't get it, with people who did, with my kids, with my cats, with my husband. I brought it out of the internet and into my home, head and heart. I let it ruin my evening and cast a pall on the family. I apologize for that. I apologize to my family, for taking my anger with a stranger out on them. I apologize to my home, for bring such negativity into it. And I apologize to myself: for the time and energy wasted, for sinking to that judgmental level that I dislike so much in other people, for exposing myself to something that I knew would upset me in the first place.

The internet is a strange land. For some people, the more they are exposed to, the more narrow minded their view becomes. I fell into that today. I still think the blogger was distasteful and wrong, but I didn't need to become that way myself. There will always be choices, attitudes and belief that I disagree with, that, in some cases, I abhor. My job is to keep myself and my family away from those people. I can't change them, they can't change me (as much as they'd like to). Holding on to anger about it won't hurt them any more than it will help me. So I'm letting it go, and praying that someday, the other people accept that they can't and shouldn't control my choices any more than I can control theirs.

Ch-ch-ch-Charity!

I'm part of this really amazing team on Etsy called April's Army. Members of the team came together because of our mutual love of the website, Regretsy. Regretsy started out mostly as a site that posted links to really f'ed up things for sale on Etsy. As the tagline reads, 'Where DIY meets WTF'. However, it's a lot more than snarky fun. The site is run by April Winchell, a previous writer for the Rosanne show and all around awesome person. She uses the website mostly for good, and only rarely for evil. ;-) She points out resellers, which abound on Etsy now-a-days, helps to get rid of counterfeiters and people steal other's designs, and best of all, generates a ton of money for charities.

Inspired by April's example of charity, our team has opened a shop on Etsy which is used exclusively to raise funds for people in need. Each month, we will run a sale with proceeds going to a specific charity. This month's sales will benefit For Jason, which is a shop whose proceeds are used 100% to help the owner's fiancee in his battle against pancreatic cancer. The sale will start Monday, April 25 and go through Sunday, May1. This month, I helped create a Barbie outfit for an April Winchell doll being made by Loki's Books N More (pictures soon!). I also collaborated on a fantastic doll with BendedBabies. Amy, the mastermind behind the mummy dolls of BendedBabies, and I have a lot in common. I enjoyed working together with her on our piece so much and am really in awe of how she turned out.

I fail

Last night, Fiona was doing something typical Fiona, that is being destructive for no apparent reason. She was pushing her feet against a table with glass sides and broke a pane of glass. I heard the crack, and when I came over to investigate found her reaching through the broken pane to try to grab the glass pieces. I freaked, yelled 'are you crazy?!' and sent her to her room because I honestly didn't trust myself to talk to her at that moment. I had no words, no idea how to deal with the situation. I called Paul, and he calmed me down, assured me that the glass was crap and he's broken them himself (this was a thrift store find). I told him I didn't know what to do with Fiona anymore, I am a complete failure at parenting her, I have no ideas left on how to be HER mom. I thought she was in her room, I thought she couldn't hear. But she could, and did. He went to talk to her about how dangerous broken glass is because, in fairness, how the hell was she supposed to know that? I heard her sobbing, hysterical because 'mama is mad at me! she said she doesn't know what to do with me!' FUCK.

Somehow, he calmed her down, we talked, I reassured her for the trillionth time that I do love her, and we all moved on. Except I can't help but feel I broke another piece of her.

I suck at this parenting thing. I don't know how to be the mom she needs. I do everything wrong, and have since she was little. I can't help but feel that her mental health issues are all my fault. I broke her, I couldn't handle how intense she was, how intense she is, so I'm always telling her to stop. Stop crying, stop singing, stop yelling, stop running, stop talking. Be quiet, go away, leave me alone. Why am I such a bitch? Why can't I just let her be? Why do I always feel I need to fix her?

I want her to love herself and who she is. She is so amazing in so many ways. She defies the status quo, she does what she wants. She is so thoughtful, too thoughtful really, her imagination and her mind take her to scary, dark places more often than not. She is full of life and energy and brings joy to so many people.

I am so scared for her and her future. More than anything, I'm scared she'll turn out to be like me.

She breaks my heart

On our way home from a friend's house tonight Fiona suddenly burst into tears. She apologized for not listening. Not because she didn't listen tonight, or today, or even yesterday; she felt bad because of all the times she hasn't listened in the past. I reassured her that she had nothing to apologize for, that I love her, that she is good and she needs to let go of these things and not be so hard on herself. But the floodgates were opened.

She shared her fear that I will leave her, or that I will be 'taken away'. She sobbed hysterically while she talked about her fear of losing me. She talked about her fear of going to school because of some horror stories boys in her class told her about a ghost at the school that cuts off kid's heads (yes, I've already emailed the principal and teacher!). She talked about how I make her feel safe, because I love her. I told her that her teacher loves her too, but she said that's not the same, because I'm her mom.

I said what I could to reassure her: ghosts aren't real, those boys are stupid bully liars (I know, not PC but I couldn't help myself), I will never leave her, no one can ever take me away from her, and most of all I love her always no matter what. The problem is, she doesn't believe me. She beats herself down, she thinks she's unworthy of love, she thinks she's bad. SHE IS SIX YEARS OLD. Why is she so hard on herself? How can I convince her that she is loved? How can I convince her that she is an amazing, beautiful, talented, smart, kind, vivacious, wonderful girl? Everyone who meets her is charmed by her. She has a light in her that burns so brightly, but she can't see it.

I am so scared of what her future holds. A lifetime of medication, of therapy, of depression and anxiety. Will her diagnosis shift to something even more sinister than what it is now? Will she abuse drugs or alcohol or herself in her depression? Will she live, or will she try to kill herself? What will her life be like? Will she ever learn to love and forgive herself? Will she ever learn to treat herself with respect and gentleness? How can I teach her these things?

It breaks my heart to see my little baby so incredibly sad and scared. It breaks my heart that my reassurances fall on deaf ears. I wish I knew what to do, how to be, to make it all better forever.

What I've Done

Anyone who is my friend on Facebook already knows that I went to see Linkin Park play at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit Tuesday night. It was, as Fiona would put it, OSUM! I don't want to forget a thing, so here's what I remember seeing, thinking and feeling. Warning, really long post to follow. I've split it up with headers so you can skip to the actual LP show if you want.

BEFORE THE SHOW
The show was scheduled to start at 7pm. I work downtown, so I went in to the office late and stayed until 6. It was a short drive (less than 5 minutes) to the Joe Louis but my anxiety was in full swing. What if I couldn't get parking? What if I got lost? What if someone accosted me on my way to or from my car (this IS Detroit we're talking about!)? Around 5, I poured myself some coffee to hopefully give me a jolt long enough to last through my drive home, but I about halfway through drinking it I noticed my hands were sweating, and I was having hot and cold flashes. These are the first two signals my body sends me when I'm starting to have a panic attack. Shit. Thankfully I carry Xanax for just such emergencies and when I notice the signs early enough, one little pill can prevent me from having a full fledged panic attack (which SUCKS. If you've never had one, you have no idea how much. I hope you never have to learn). So I popped the pill, dumped the coffee (caffeine + anxiety = BAD) and calmed myself down enough to get on my way safely.

AT THE ARENA
Driving to the Joe Louis was a piece of cake, and parking was great. There was security EVERYWHERE. Guess us Linkin Park fans can be a rowdy lot. I was pleased to see that I wasn't the only middle-aged, 'normal' looking person in the crowd. Sure, there were a lot of punk kids but there were also couples who I could easily work with or attend a PTA meeting with. Entering the arena, the first thing I noticed was alcohol everywhere. In addition to vendors selling it every few yards, there were guys selling cans of beer in at the foot of every set of doors to the arena itself. Oy. Personally, I don't like to drink at concerts, I want to remember every second and not be a bit foggy. But I knew I'd be surrounded by drunks and I was a little afraid of what kind of people I'd be sitting next to. Did I mention yet that I was all alone?! No protection!

I was in my seat by 6:15 and spent my time waiting for the show to start feverishly checking Facebook. I was very glad to have a smart phone to be able to keep in touch with friends, it made me feel less alone. The two seats on either side of me stayed open until Linkin Park started, which was kind of weird, but kind of nice too. The people behind me were drinking steadily, but they never got so drunk as to be obnoxious. The people in front of me did, but I tried my best to ignore them.

THE FIRST TWO BANDS
The first band was a mix of techno and metal. I didn't care for them. No idea what their name was, they were British and the accents mixed with the loud music made it impossible to understand a single word they said. The second band was better, more metal/ hard rock but still I don't think I'd buy their album even if I knew their name. Yes, they were just as unintelligible as the first band. Watching them, and the crowd in the pit in front of the stage (I was in the nosebleed section, as you can see from the photo) was interesting. It reminded me a lot of my early twenties, going to concerts in college and later in Germany where the name of the band or how good they were didn't matter, it was about the experience. The pounding music, the flashing lights made me feel that feeling of being lost in the music again, for a few brief moments. It was cool, and I sort of miss being able to descend that deeply in the music, but in the end my pounding head, aching legs and too present brain let me know that I am way too old for that anymore. It makes me a little sad, but I accept it.

LINKIN PARK!!!
The band opened with New Divide, the theme song from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. This is one of their very few songs that I don't know well, and the only song that made me feel a bit like a poser as everyone around me sang along and I only mouthed the words to the chorus. I honestly can't remember what they played next. One really great thing to their show, if you texted a code to a number during the show, you got emailed a link to an audio download of the ENTIRE show! It's not available yet, but I am so psyched for when I get it and can relieve the entire experience again and again...

DIGRESSION: PLAYLIST
Here's what I can remember of the songs they played, in no particular order:
Numb
Bleed it Out
Iridescent
Crawling
Waiting for the End
Leave Out All the Rest
No More Sorrow
Wisdom, Justice and Love
When They Come For Me
Burning in the Skies
What I've Done
Faint
Papercut
A Place For My Head

I know there was more, they played for about 1.5 hours, but I'm getting confused because I've listened to all their songs so many times that I can't remember if I'm hearing it in my head because they performed it or just because I know it that well and can recall it so easily.

BACK TO THE LINKIN PARK EXPERIENCE
Every song was amazing, they didn't play a single song I don't like. I was super excited when they played a clip from a Martin Luther King Jr. anti-war speech which they put on their album under the title 'Wisdom, Justice, and Love'. The text:

I come to this magnificent house of worship tonight,
Because my conscience leaves me no other choice.
A true revolution of values will lay hands on the world order and say of war:
This way of settling difference is not just.
This business of burning human beings with napalm,
Filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows,
Of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into veins of people normally humane.
Of sending men home from the dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged,
Cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice and love.

They followed it with my current favorite song: Iridescent. This isn't the best sounding video for it, but most closely resembles my experience

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
With no one there to catch you in their arms.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go.
Let it go.

Really, this song, these lyrics, sum up the whole experience for me. I felt so connected to Chester and Mike when they were singing and I really understood where they were coming from, especially Chester. He's got 4 years sober, and most of his music in the last years has been about facing your demons, letting go of your past, forgiving yourself and others. Just look at the lyrics to What I've Done, which is a song I've always loved but never really GOT as well as I did this night. The video is clearly about the shit we humans have done to fuck up the Earth. But watching Chester, singing with him, it was clear to me that the song is about recovery and self-forgiveness.

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

In fact, the whole concert was about recovery and self-forgiveness. It was exactly what I need at this moment in my life and it made me feel so strong and so confident in my choices. So much was illuminated to me about myself, I am so thankful I went. Thank you so much to Chester, Mike and the whole band for being so fucking honest. A lot of people don't like the new sound because they are stuck in the same old rut of hatred, anger and self-loathing, but the new music is about life, love and exploring new things. I love it, I need it, and I'm grateful for it.

Life is Good and Other Things

Alicia over at How I Became a Tattooed Mommy tagged me with this prestigious award. Which is a very good thing for me, since I haven't had much impetuous to write here lately. Perhaps not such a good thing for you, but that's not my problem. In order to accept, I have to thank Alicia (hertzlichen Dank, meine Liebe!) , answer some questions about myself, and pass it on. Here goes!

Q1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously so that you could be anonymous now? As you can tell, I am not anon here. Sometimes I worry about my kid's peers finding dirt on them and blackmailing them with it, but I figure that at least half of their peers' moms have blogs too so I'll just help them dig up dirt in return. I don't think I actually answered the whole question, but you don't mind, do you?

Q2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. Inner stubborn side? My husband would be laughing his ass off right now. Um, let's see... drawing a blank here. I'll try to come back.

Q3. What do you really see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Really, do I have to answer this with honesty? Okay, here goes: sallow, poxy tired skin, frizzy hair, a doughnut around my stomach and butt, yellow teeth, eyebrows that need to be plucked... I could go on but you get the picture. I'm depressed now. thanks self

Q4. What is your favorite summer cold drink? a butter bear over ice from Biggby's. Espresso, caramel, and chocolate. YUM

Q5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do? Surf the web, read blogs, take baths, watch reruns on Netflix. I'm currently working my way through every episode of Stargate ever made. I'm on season 5 out of 10 for SG1. Thank god for the 90's.

Q6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life? get totally out of debt is my #1. After that, save enough money to actually retire someday. that second one probably won't happen. Geez, I'm depressing today! Sorry

Q7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching? I was the overachieving shy person

Q8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see? I'm going to steal from Alicia here, holding my babies for the first time. I still can hear myself saying 'HI, I'm your mommy!' in that amazed, joyous, crying voice as I took Saskia, then 3 years later Fiona, from the doctor's hands. Awwww.

Q9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people or events? I mostly write about myself. I'm too much of a narcissist to devote much energy to writing about other people.

Q10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why? My degree is in Library Science. Does that answer your question?

And now to pass it on: These are all blogs I check DAILY. Which means they totally rock, go read them NOW.

1. Cristina over at HomeSlice
2. Ellie at One Crafty Mother, although she's at Blissdom for the next week so I don't know if she'll post
3. Kara at One Year of Home Schooling Uncensored
4. Sarah at Finding My Ground

striving for new, learning from old

It's the beginning of 2011, so of course my mind has been whirling around thinking of what I should say for that obligatory new year post. I've thought about writing out my resolutions and my take on resolutions, and I've thought about writing what I learned in 2010. So here's a little on each.

2011
I tend to think that big resolutions are silly and pointless. The "I'm gonna change my whole life" types of resolutions rarely are followed through with. Instead I've been trying to make small changes for the good. Here's some changes I'd like to make.

1) Be more aware of the food I eat and more diligent in checking things for allergens. If I can't find out the ingredients of the donuts in the conference room, the peppermint mocha at my favorite shop, or the candy in the dish in my boss's office are, I shouldn't eat them.

2) Run. Okay, so this is actually a big one. I'm doing the couch-to-5K. I have never been a runner, but I know that the exercise my body needs most is cardiovascular. I'm halfway to 40 this year and I can't walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath. Besides, running is free* and will help me with losing some of the baby fat that, considering my youngest baby is going on 7, I really should have lost by now.

Sidebar:I did my first day of the couch-to-5K today and it was wonderful and awful. Wonderful to be outside, moving through my quietly beautiful neighborhood as the snow fell. Awful to be in pain from head to toe after 20 minutes: My back and head hurt the worst, a sharp, jarring pain. My chest hurt, I was gasping for breath, my heart pounding, my legs jelly, the muscles from my feet to my calves aching as they stretched. When I got home I found I was 5 minutes short of the time I was supposed to do, so I did 5 minutes of sun salutations & decided that I should end every run with them. Not only did the poses stretch my legs and back, the deep breathing calmed my heart and lungs and the downward dog (which I hold for 5 breaths) got blood flowing back to my brain, ridding me of the headache. Awesome. I'm actually looking forward to my next session on Saturday.

3) Be kinder and more loving to my husband. If you know me well, you know where I'm coming from with this one. If you don't, you don't need to.

4) Be kinder and more loving to my kids. Fiona in particular needs more affection to fill that never satisfied hole in her, and Saskia is 9. In just a couple more years she's going to hate me, so best I get in some good foundations while I still can.

5) Learn more about my religion and be more involved at Temple, or at least make it to Shabbat services on a more regular basis.

2010
This probably needs it's own post, or a whole series of posts. But since it's on my mind, a few things I learned this year:

1) I am capable of big change. Really. Big. Change. And I'm proud of myself for doing it.

2) Intelligence is a gift to be treasured.

3) I often start sentences with, "I'm not very creative..." as a cop out. But I AM creative. And I enjoy being so.

4) It really IS all up to me. My attitude and my perceptions shape my reality, so I might as well make them good.

5) God is loving. He is not in the habit of punishing people, ever.

6) Humans have free will. So yeah, we fuck up a lot, but we can always make a different choice the next time around. Nothing is predestined.

7) I love Fiona BECAUSE of her idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them.

8) Saskia is WAY too smart for her own good. But just because she has the capability to think as an adult, doesn't mean she is one. She's still a kid. I need to remember that.

9) I have a panic disorder. It is not going away, ever. Accepting that, I can deal with it.

10) My husband is a good guy. He's smart, he's loving, and he accepts me for the crazy bitch that I am. He's a keeper.

Bonus
I am doing less in order to do more. I learned from 2010 that I can't have such a full plate. Kid's activities, volunteer work, my job, my obligations as a mom & wife and human being have been overwhelming me for a long, long time. I learned that it's okay to do less, and in ridding myself of some of my obligations I've found that I have time to do more. I have found time to sew, time to run, time to cuddle up with my hubby and time to play games with my kids. All give me so much more than those extra sports, Girl Scout events, and classes ever did.



*Except for the new shoes, gloves, hat, and sports bra I need to buy just to get started.