Thursday, April 7, 2011

I fail

Last night, Fiona was doing something typical Fiona, that is being destructive for no apparent reason. She was pushing her feet against a table with glass sides and broke a pane of glass. I heard the crack, and when I came over to investigate found her reaching through the broken pane to try to grab the glass pieces. I freaked, yelled 'are you crazy?!' and sent her to her room because I honestly didn't trust myself to talk to her at that moment. I had no words, no idea how to deal with the situation. I called Paul, and he calmed me down, assured me that the glass was crap and he's broken them himself (this was a thrift store find). I told him I didn't know what to do with Fiona anymore, I am a complete failure at parenting her, I have no ideas left on how to be HER mom. I thought she was in her room, I thought she couldn't hear. But she could, and did. He went to talk to her about how dangerous broken glass is because, in fairness, how the hell was she supposed to know that? I heard her sobbing, hysterical because 'mama is mad at me! she said she doesn't know what to do with me!' FUCK.

Somehow, he calmed her down, we talked, I reassured her for the trillionth time that I do love her, and we all moved on. Except I can't help but feel I broke another piece of her.

I suck at this parenting thing. I don't know how to be the mom she needs. I do everything wrong, and have since she was little. I can't help but feel that her mental health issues are all my fault. I broke her, I couldn't handle how intense she was, how intense she is, so I'm always telling her to stop. Stop crying, stop singing, stop yelling, stop running, stop talking. Be quiet, go away, leave me alone. Why am I such a bitch? Why can't I just let her be? Why do I always feel I need to fix her?

I want her to love herself and who she is. She is so amazing in so many ways. She defies the status quo, she does what she wants. She is so thoughtful, too thoughtful really, her imagination and her mind take her to scary, dark places more often than not. She is full of life and energy and brings joy to so many people.

I am so scared for her and her future. More than anything, I'm scared she'll turn out to be like me.