Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Without a church home

As some of you know, I've left my church. I guess it really never was my church to begin with actually. I never did become a member, for personal reasons which are completely rational to me, but which seem to not be accepted by the church staff as valid. Anyway, if I wasn't a member? Was it even my church? I attended off and on, sometimes frequently and sometimes not, for over three years. I taught there, I organized events there, I gave money there. I prayed there and grew there and found friends there. So yeah, I think it was mine. Now it's gone.

I won't go into all the specifics of why I left here. What it boils down to is I was unhappy. I've always enjoyed the services but nearly everything outside of those 60 minutes was frustrating. Perhaps it's just that my personality doesn't fit with that of a UU congregation. Because even though I know I am UU when I read the tenants, I can't get comfortable in that space. I have a controlling nature, I am organized, I expect certain behaviors from certain people and I am disappointed when those around me are dismissive of those things. I have spent too much time ranting to my husband about things I've witness that I disagree with, too much time crying my eyes out because I was so frustrated at the lack of responsiveness, and sometimes responsibility from staff. After my last nervous breakdown, which was precipitated by many other things but initiated by extreme distress caused by communication (and lack there of) with a particular staff member at church I knew it wasn't healthy for me to continue putting myself through the stress that place causes me. Still, it took one final outrageous act to push me into making it official.

I also won't go into the responses I've received from staff, other than to say they were hurtful. But in fairness I was hurtful too so it's just a big ole ball of hurt feelings all around. The story of my life it seems.

I will say that I am really, really sad right now. I feel a bit lost. I simply cannot seem to find the right place to meet my spiritual needs. I fear it doesn't exist, at least not in this place and time. I'm at a point in my life where spirit is the most important thing I need to find and work on, but I have no path to follow or support while I walk it.

I worry about publishing this, I don't want to be seen as a troublemaker by those church members who read my blog. But it is MY blog, it's my space to work out what I am going through, and as my friend Cristina so eloquently shows me in each of her blog posts that is okay.


leaner said...

I feel the same way. I can't seem to put my whole self into a church because there is always something that bothers me about the teachings, or the people, or something. I feel like I NEED that sense of belonging, but can't find it.

And yes, your blog, you get to say what you want. Good for you.

homeslice said...

yes, you are right - your blog, your space. no specifics have been given and everything was written respectfully. if others have a problem with your blog, the quickest way to deal with it is to click the little red "x" in the upper right hand corner. i'm sorry you are going through this - church and spirituality should be a comfort, not a stresser.

Lweeks said...

As Cristina said - church is for comfort and support. It is also for community. I'm sorry hon, I really am. I totally understand that you need your spiritual ground right now. Try to remember that the God of your understanding dwells within you - you needn't try to fit into a place but rather follow your own heart and instincts and there God will be. More to say but will say in a private note. Love you tons.

Bin said...

It is always sad to hear that someone felt hurt and unhappy in a church. My prayers go with you. Hope you can recover from it soon, and find a fit spiritual home.